Sunday, October 2, 2011

Loose tongue

Alright, I need a safe place to say this and as it is my blog, frak it... I fucking hate the idea of "50/50" movie. I'm happy it was "inspired by a true story", but FUCK. Not everyone who is young and gets cancer ends up with 50% or better odds. Yes, statistically if a cancer is caught in a "healthier" younger person they have a better chance at survival, but it varies with every person and every cancer. Some people have to live with being VERY young and given a death sentence by their cancer. It isn't something to "overcome" in their life, it's a fucking god-damned death sentence. It isn't a "go through hell for 2 years and then be 'cured'" type. There is NO cure and there is NO long term survival odds. Long term for Glioblastoma tends to be over 2 years. Think about the mental trauma of knowing at BEST you might get 2 more years of life- and being told that at 25. I guess I am still angry.
I guess I resent most the movie is just unrealistic. There might be moments in the film that other cancer patients or their loved ones identify with, but the whole thing is just so far removed from my reality that to be compared to it just fucking hurts.
My husband is 27 now. He has brain cancer. He always will. He will never be "cured"- his type can't be! He will not hear the word "remission" and "glioblastoma" in the same sentence.
There is no Deus Ex Machina for my situation. No happy Hollywood ending. I'm happy it's the case for some people, I wish like hell it could be the case for more. My pain comes from facing my reality, which is the slow death of the man I love and want to spend the rest of MY life with.

But I really don't want to see JGL or Seth Rogan on my TV anymore, and I don't want to be reminded of the day I found a clump of Wash's hair so big that we decided that day he had to shave off what was left. I feel like even seeing the trailer on mute drives me deeper into remembering trauma. Wash hurts too. He see's the trailer and even the fucking title reminds him of what he has lost- what he grieves for; the loss of his chance at life. Someone empathize here and imagine if you were a scared 27 year old, already 'past' when he should be alive and every ad for a movie takes you on a flashback to the day in the hospital when you were 25 and just had two brain surgeries for a tumor you didn't even know was there and a old doctor with no bedside manner came up and said, "It's brain cancer, called Glioblastoma Multiforme, grade 4, radiation and chemotherapy are an option but the incidence of re-occurrance is about 98% and the mortality rate is 97% by 18-24 months."
It's a lot to bear. That kind of weight hurts. It eats at the soul just like a cancer.

I hope any of you all who want to see it go and enjoy it.

But, for me to have the positive cancer outlook just reminds me daily that my love's brain cancer isn't cureable, it's a 1% chance of making it 3-5 years. It's a horrid daily battle of my brain knowing it might be the last day I have with him and the painful hope I might get another one tomorrow. I just don't feel like I stand to watch a movie showing off the hope from how far we've come with 'cancer' and have it be so far from the realities that every cancer is different, and every person who has cancer doesn't always "win".

Who cheers for each day Wash decides to wake up and keep living despite the time bomb in his brain?
He's my heart and my hero.

//apologies to those JGL fans, nothing against him as an actor.


  1. You guys are both brave & being true to yourselves. Don't ever apologize for having feelings.

    You have a lot of loving thoughts coming your way, wish they could make everything magically better.

  2. *hugs*

    I can totally see where you're coming from. 'Cancer' is not a disease, it's hundreds of them, and I can only imagine how much it hurts to be reminded you got to deal with the worst of the worst.