Thursday, September 29, 2011

Shut off

I had lots to say the other day but it seems to have all left me.

We had a good start to the (Jewish) New Year with my family having dinner the other night. Yum. My mum picked up some honey-cake for us too.

Aside from just wondering what service next is to be shut off (we lost internet earlier this week and got it back with some help) and worrying about that, my brain is stuck on Wash. We went to the doc's this week- his ENT to check on the follow up for his eye cyst. I was freaking out as I had received a bill from them for $146~ from his first visit and I couldn't pay that or whatever they would charge to see Wash this week. Thankfully we both got some good news from that trip; the Billing dept had put Wash in as 'No insurance self pay' despite his insurance info being on the paperwork *I* filled out. So, 3 office staff later and two people in billing it was cleared up and erased. Small favours.
Wash meanwhile was treated to a less invasive scan of his sinus cavity and told it was NOT a cyst, or even a tumor. Just inflamed scar tissue. Apparently he broke his nose some 20 years ago and that's just how his head looks in a MRI. Thankfully he didn't need a biopsy, or worse more surgery.

He's just been distant and cranky lately. I ask him for help or to try something or he asks for guidance and then it just... gets ignored. Forgotten. I know that's the result of the cancer, or tumor, or surgeries.... I still get disturbed by it.

There are some other issues brewing as well, but not anything I feel comfortable talking about yet. Basically there have been some statements come out against Wash having comforts, or a Quality of Life- especially if it costs ME anything. To some, I guess his happiness at the end of his life doesn't matter just how much he "costs" to stay alive each day.
I have some ... anger issues, at this way of thinking.
Wash just turned 27. There's a 1% chance he will see 30.
To me, his quality of life is paramount in importance.

It's his life and death. He gets to decide what makes him happy while he can still FEEL happy, and he gets to decide when the pain is too much to go on anymore.
I get so tired and depressed having to explain this to other human beings. To me, it's fucking common sense.


  1. Seriously? There are people out there who think that Wash should live the remainder of his life in misery, until he dies quickly enough to be convenient to them?

    Yeah, I know. I deal with those folks every day. The Ayn-Rand-loving, pull-up-the-ladder-'cause-I've-got-mine people. They suck, and they will get theirs someday.

    Honey, I would send you all the money I've got, but I've got bills that the folks I owe that money to are howling about. Maybe if we each put aside a nickel a month, we'll have the wherewithal to build a bomb for the folks who don't see sick people as human.

  2. #1) Tashi, I read your post, (Above), about those who, as you say, are against Wash's having comforts or a Quality of Life, especially if it costs YOU anything. I'm usually pretty moderate, even-tempered, and slow-to-anger; but, frankly, it's almost hard for me to respond calmly to those who feel that way, you know.

    Everyone has their own BASIC needs, which (of course) have their BASIC $$-costs ............ but if you love your HUSBAND with your *whole being*, (as you do Wash) ............ and, at the age of ONLY 27 (!!), Wash faces the END of his life ............ well, (from your standpoint), basic-bare-bones ............ (genuinely/legitimately/understandably!!) just doesn't cut it, you know. Nor (in my opinion) should any of us, anywhere, be LULLED into thinking that you, as Wash's *wife*, SHOULD be thinking that way either.

    And I'm not talkin' about comforts/joys that are "Taj Mahal gilt"-lavish, but simply those reasonable, *merciful*, EXTRA comforts/joys that any one of us would want ............ if WE, ourselves, were in WASH'S shoes. (D.U.H.!!)

    #2) In the past few years, I've had to make three major decisions - (in my personal, Immediate Family life) - in which I knew that if I made the wrong decisions, each of the outcomes very possibly would be (no kidding) that of ............ a Crime Scene. Hard, HARD decisions to make; but they positively benefited others, at great (negative) "cost" to myself, though.

    However, sometimes at 3:00 o'clock in the morning, when our rental townhouse is dark and quiet; and I look at myself in the bathroom mirror ............ (i.e., just me, myself, and I) ............ and ask myself, "Did you, all things considered, REALLY DO The Right Thing??" Every single time, in the stillness of night, I've been able to really LOOK myself in the eye; and say, "Yes, Rosanna, you really DID DO The Right Thing, you know." Five, ten, fifteen, and twenty years from now, I STILL want to be able to receive the same honest answer from myself ............ in the bathroom mirror at 3:00 o' clock in the morning.

    #3) In your very thoughtful, reasoned, and well-considered decisions about Wash's end-of-life care----(*plus* Wash's end-of-life comforts/joys!!)----ONLY YOU, Tashi ............ will be looking at yourself in your bathroom mirror, (i.e., at 3:00 o'clock in the morning), five, ten, fifteen, and twenty years from now ............ and asking yourself that age-old (in the dark-of-the-night) question, "Did I, all things considered, REALLY DO The Right Thing??"

    I ............ (i.e., for one, as most of your *very supportive* Dear Readers here would also probably say) ............ already know what your answer, TO YOURSELF, will be.

  3. I'm one of those Ayn Rand supporters, but I still support the idea of comfort and care at the end of life.

    I have accompanied more than one on the journey, and whatever it takes, no matter what some of those "economic thinkers" say, it is worth supporting the happiness and comfort of a person who is departing.

    I, too, get very angry at those who look at this issue in terms of dollars. I am so very sorry you are hearing this kind of comments from people, I would love to be in a room with them for a very short time. Not only is it horrible thinking, it is heartless for them to be saying any such thing in your presence.

    Compassion is one of the most priceless gifts we can give.