Baking chocolate

I'm doing better today. Every day is a bit of a struggle in some way- but I suppose that is true for anyone.

I have not been able to get any reading done for myself. Nor have we watched the most recent Dr Who episode. The part of me that enjoys those things, reading and sci-fi- all the things as it were- feels numb still.

I feel overall like living one day at a time is easier, but trying to really feel my old personality is hard. To face what I have to I have to dissociate. It drains away the parts of me that are- me. My 'colour'. My happiness.

I can be rational this way. I can be productive and functional. But I feel like a machine wearing skin, so much less than human.

Right about now we could use a good fundraiser. It's absolutely horrid and inhumane, but I often helplessly find myself wondering how much longer I can afford to care for Wash. When he's at his last month/weeks Hospice will kick in and insurance covers that. As long as he is "stable" it is all out of pocket for me, and that's not cheap. Well, his medication runs about $1000/month now as opposed to when he was on chemo and his meds were $11,000.00-23,000.00/ month.

Wash gets $740.00 a month from social security and then we subtract out $115.25/month for his insurance premiums which are deducted automatically. We also get $280.00/ food stamp (no cash benefits) for each month. This is not a "supplement" for us, this is my food budget. It is up to me to fill the gap each month for rent, electricity, gas, car insurance, pet food/supplies, entertainment, co-pays, clothes, sundries- Wash has special needs now after brain surgeries and a year of chemotherapy. It's a frakking big gap and it exists each month. Neither of us have credit cards.

Sigh.

So, it's the rational practical part of me that each day, sometime each week wonders how much longer I can really do this. Emotionally I am honestly not sure which is more detrimental to me; taking care of Wash or worrying how I will be able to afford to take care of Wash.

I am happier though, that as opposed to a year ago I'd like to think that I have grown enough now to be able to ask for help with more ease.

Any of our readers want to help raise some funds?

I had a chance last night to watch "The Blind Side". I can see why it won so many awards. Wash took the time while I watched my "Sandy chick-flick" to catch up with some friends in town. He got some good conversation in and socialization both of which he needs. Then we watched "Trekkies 2" together and laughed our butts off. After attending two cons with Wash this year I can say I have a much greater appreciation for the documentary now. I will say- I was a bit sad they did not follow up on the family that dresses in Trek uniform/works as a dental group. They were so interesting on the first "Trekkies" movie and I would have loved to see how the family has grown/changed in the decade since the first film. Aside from that, it was quite enjoyable and I know that Wash appreciated watching it with me- he is certainly the bigger Trek fan among us.

I have had to stay away from the news lately. Watching so many people -many of whom have so much money and power that 'worry' is a foreign language to them- speak of people like my husband as disposable, as trash, as human beings who should just die and unburden society from the expense of their birth and circumstances.... it makes me sick and mad. Mostly, it makes me angry, which is really more akin to dangerous. I tend to be able to remember a grudge for life, and I have made a few since Wash got ill.

My reaction tends to be to want to retaliate in the smartest way possible. Sometimes that means waiting. Sometimes that means making myself better, smarter, stronger to challenge what threatens me.

I turn 25 this year. In my state that is the minimum age to run for city counsel or Governor. Right now my focus is Wash and will be until he dies, hopefully the way he wants, when he wants.

But the talk of turning human beings into numbers... the stripping of rights from women and the LGBTQ community... the unions collapsing... social security- literally the namesake of our social responsibility for care of the elder, ill, infirm, widowed- being robbed ... and a war longer than almost any other in our 200+ year history taking money, time, and the lives of our citizens and those of civilians overseas...

Frak.

I want my country and my state to stop tearing every person and thing DOWN and work on building UP for ALL.

That got offsides, didn't it?

I guess being this poor, this sick, this desperate has given me an insight at a young age that some politicians 60 years my elder could not empathize with.

I want to hope that things will improve, will get better.

For all.