Friday, September 16, 2011

I don't want it to be over

The last two days have been....hard.

I'll get into it more later, too many doc's to visit today. I feel like shit.

I am beyond sad. I feel almost like a shell.

I worry that the marriage is just in name now. He's not himself. He hasn't been for a while.
My mum commented on it the other day. He can seem "Wash"for a few hours, but it rarely seems to last a whole day anymore.
I don't feel like a "wife".

I feel like a servant. Always on call. Worked for 23 months now with no "after work", no "vacation/holiday", no "respite time". Occasionally (few times a year) I might get 2-4 hours without having to care for Wash.

He's not treating me like a wife, or most days now even like a friend.

I'm tired and upset.

My husband was my best friend.
And now I feel so gorram alone.


  1. Tashi,
    Please know that even though Wash can't articulate his feelings I am positive he appreciates and loves you for all you do. All I can do is reiterate on his behalf, and my own that you are loved and all you do IS appreciated.
    Sending you much love and hugs.
    “Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

    I am not sure who said it but it was sent to me and it made me realise I was showing strengths I didn't know I had. You are strong too. xxxx

  2. This is one of these horrible situations where I desperately want to say something to cheer you up, but I know it is objectively impossible. You are in a horrible situation that neither one of you truly incredible people deserves, you are grappling with the inevitable loss of the person you love, and you have these very valid complaints about just dealing with all of this and running a household on a daily basis.
    And it probably won't get better. And there's nothing anyone can really do to take this burden away from you. But know that you are loved and admired from tens of thousands of people who have never even met you. Know that we are all rooting for you, we are all in awe of you, and we are all paralyzed by how helpless we are to help someone as truly extraordinary as you, Tashi. Truly.

  3. Saw this on Reddit.
    I am sorry for what you are going through. We are travelling along similar journeys, although, I'm not losing my husband, I'm losing my daughter, she's 5. She has brain-stem cancer. It sucks doesn't it. It doesn't feel like it's going to get better and steroids make these beautiful people into monsters. :( My heart goes out to you.