Sunday, January 30, 2011

To forgive or forget?

Wash has been doing his best to keep me offline this weekend. Says I get too stressed from all of it and he wants more focus on him.
How can I disagree with that? So, he's limited me (I agreed) and that's sort of why I haven't been posting much.

Not sure how much I have to say right now. We just finished a huge chapter in the end book- he stopped chemo- and now we are both just frozen. What to do?

Pressure from all sides; go take this specific vacation, go there, visit family, do this or that... and I just cannot look into myself and find what it is that I'm looking, searching for.

I've had someone trying to contact me this past week. Someone I had known for 10 or so years. Someone who knew about Wash and I eloping, we were all that close.
Then Wash got sick.
And they wanted to have a wedding without any reminders of death.
So it's been a year, nothing. I think it wasn't just the pain of not being invited to the wedding, or getting even an announcement, it's that months later I wonder if "P" is trying to get back in my life? Why is P trying to talk to me? If P just wanted to return my things, they do have our address.

I had decided the best thing to do for my own mental health was cut these people I once loved so deeply out. It pains me.

I am not the same person I was before Wash got sick. Parts, but not truly. I've had to change with all this, despite how much I detest changing. When he got sick, when my life changed so quickly and turned into a miniature hell... they were gone. Wash's frat brothers stepped up from the start. My gal pals from Jez pulled together while he was in the hospital to make sure I was taken care of and looked after. Strangers who know about us only from what they read online have been more supportive to me that P&J who witnessed our marriage.

Should I, could I, how do I forgive that?

Wash is my best friend. I'm still terrified of what will happen when he goes.

Brain cancer is not contagious. Some people who called themselves our friends seem to think it is.

Wash says life is too short to stay mad or hold grudges. On some things I agree. On others... what kind of a person is it who abandons a dying friend and a super close friend who is also his wife?
Who am I to forgive their actions? Especially when they have not even asked for forgiveness.

Myself? I prefer to bury my pain internally and cut them out.


  1. Dealing with others in pain - real pain - is a funny thing. Some people always know the right thing to do, and can step up and be the rock you need. Others want to help but just don't know how and so avoid you, because they're immobilized by the giant scary thing in the room, and then continue to avoid you out of shame because they knew they should have stayed. (And of course, some people just turn out to be arseholes under it all.)

    If it's not too painful to confront P, ask him or her where he/she was when you needed them (curse English with its lack of a singular neutral pronoun!). The worst that can happen is you find out you were right, that P was oblivious to your needs and not worthy of forgiveness.

  2. I want to tell you something, I came across you blog thru 2 other blogs and now it is posted on my blog. You are amazing girl. Yes, you really are. I'm an ICU nurse and I've seen family members not able to cope and doing things per medicine to their loved ones that you wouldn't want to do to your pet.

    Enjoy every little second w/your husband. Who knows, you may have more time...then again maybe not. Love, touch, talk and try to accept.

    I know not of your pain (as to being there personally), but I have been on the other side as a nurse. No, not the same, but I truly understand.

    You and your husband will get thru this, then you will get thru this.

    You are doing more and have done more than most wives/friends will do for people they claim to love and care about in your short lifetime at this point.

    I know this may mean buckus to you from a stranger, but just know that I am in awe of you and your love and support of the person you love.

  3. I don't know what to say on this post. But I was here, and I read it. ~hugs

  4. Hey Sweet Girl-

    I'm not sure if this will help or hurt, but you are taking me back to a wound that lingers but is much now like an old scar I can look at without the rawness. March 23,1993 my 27 yr old vital, strong, woodsman husband died of colon cancer, almost a year to the day after diagnosis.

    What I know is that few...very,very few... of our young friends could cope. They showed up for brief hours suggesting this or that miraculous alternative cure (I heard that...; if you only eat this...; there is a Brazilian healer who...)but could not sit and be present for the day in/day out joys and excruciating sadness, grief and physical pain and WORK that E.'s waning life presented.
    What held and sustained us were the older folks of our small community. The "church ladies" as E. liked to call them, even though we were not church people. They came with food, picked up mail, ran errands, laid hands on E. and prayed, which made me squirm and made him smile with gratefulness for their love and attention. The older woodsmen, who could not express feelings or emotions, but who would come, unbidden, and plow our driveway, or show up, unasked, to feed and water E.'s beloved Belgian horses. An old man in town who loved birds, and would send a card...EVERY DAY...describing the birds at his bird feeder.

    Most young contemporaries never did come around, Tashi. E. died, friends married and had children, and they never were able to stay in touch or deal with my grief. Their fear of the random, the unknown, the hard work of actually living and dying with intention and grace...they could not do it.

    I am sorry for them. For they missed a most extraordinary life and an extraordinary, loving, graceful leaving. Nevertheless, I was held up and supported by the older, wiser men and women of my community.

    It is my fervent hope for you and Wash that you are held in the loving hands, not just of your internet community, but in the hands of some local wise men and women who will keep you supported in this journey.