Thursday, January 6, 2011

Now What?

No I haven't updated much.

I'm honestly still just processing what I'm doing now, and Wash too. He's still getting the effects of his last round out of his system and dealing with the fallout physically from more than a year of pouring poison into himself.
We went to the docs today and he's going to be getting checked soon to rule out if his spleen has been damaged by the drugs. I hope not, and probably not, but they want to rule it out.
His appetite has been off for a couple weeks now and he's losing weight again. Just when he was getting above 150 with regularity.

I worry. Too much. What else do I do? Can I do?
Worry about money. New drugs, more co-pays, more bills... always. And even off the chemo now I'm still struggling to find the money for all his medicines. But I doubt that is what you want to really read about.

He's stressed. And dealing with depression. And grief. Dying in your 20s is just... hard. Even with the most well intentioned people out there. It's still hard. Living every day, finding a reason to is hard. I have to stand in for that for him most days. Sometimes just the kitten will do. Some days... I'm not sure. I'm not sure what he thinks about all the time anymore. It hurts me that I cannot fulfill, cannot give him what he most desires. It hurts me too that I have to stand back and watch it all. The good, the bad, the scary shit your pants moments, I see them. And it's unfair, but it's the only thing I can really leave for him. I can honour his request to uphold his dignity- unless it's Wash himself laughing.
He doesn't want people- his friends or family- to see him suffering, or in a bad condition. He wants time with them while he still remembers them and himself. It's hard, but I intend to hold up for his wishes.
For the next month I'd guess it's just a game of waiting and recovering. See how he does off the chemo. See what improves or doesn't. See what grows back or doesn't. Then, we move on.

I'm just not sure to what. I'm hitting this 60 years too soon. How do you spend the time left? A couple years if he is oh so very lucky. Maybe a few good months or a year. No income. I don't know if he has a "2nd" plan, what to do?
Always, the verb, Doing. Not Being.

I am scared to just let myself Be.

Words of Wisdom, would you Whisper to me?

1 comment:

  1. Follow your heart. It's all you can do. And watch The Last Unicorn. That movie has some good shit in it...and soundtrack by America. Who could hate America? hehehehe. Hang in there, you're doing the Lord's work sister. You will get your reward, trust. The meek shall inherit the Earth and all that shit someday. You got yours worries.