Low enough

I will write a happy post on his wonderful show a bit later. Right now the tears make it hard to write.

I can't stop seeing GBM info out there. I can't turn away from the list that shows person after person with this disease show a "lifespan" of months. 8 months, 1 year, 15 months....

I want more time. I want him.

I don't want him to die. I don't want my husband to suffer. I don't want him in pain. I don't want him to forget who he was.

I'm so scared today. I'm scared of the chemo, how it hurts him. I'm scared of his brain. I'm scared of what will happen the day he wakes up and doesn't know who I am.

So, I will cry right now while he is asleep. I will write out how my heart breaks every minute he cannot be "normal". Or when I see children and know that is a comfort I will never know.

Some days I feel a very young 23 years old.

Some days I feel so very old and sad.

And no. I don't think of my own future. I still cannot imagine being alive or wanting to live in a world without him.

I just want my 60 years together.