The Accident

So last night was not good. Had a bad afternoon, managed to save it that evening, then disaster again.

Wash had an accident in bed. On my half. Of course. Got it cleaned, got the bed linens changed, but I could not sleep on my side until it dried out. I slept on the couch.

I know he did not do it on purpose. I'm not mad, but it is just endlessly frustrating sometimes.

He is a 25, almost 26 year old grown-ass married man. However, his brain sometimes is stuck on a 5 year old setting. There's this balance I as his caretaker have to have; he is an adult, his is to some degree independent. He is also incapable of looking after himself or in his own best interests. I have to give him his freedom, and at the same time be able to watch him, catch him, clean him, and make sure he lives- lives well.

It's hard. To say the very least. We had his pre-chemo appointment this morning. He is "plateaued" as far as his neuro-oncologist thinks. He shouldn't get much worse brain-power wise, but he might not get much better. Honestly, I worry about him going back to school; being able to finish his degree. He is so close, and I want him to walk and get his diploma before he goes. I just worry with his total lack of multi or dual tasking and his severely impaired memory if he really can.

I haven't been too great either. Out of my anti-depressants and I'm a frakkin' wreck. My anxiety and depression have come back hard at me; I'm shocked at how quickly it hits me, those dark thoughts and feelings. It scares Wash and myself too. I'm strong enough to admit that much as Ihate medication I need it right now to be an effective caregiver for Wash. He deserves a healthy partner. He needs and requires it for himself to live; and as long as I am not properly medicated it's hard for me to be there for him. I can't afford the pills without insurance; it's well over $200/month just for the anti-depressants. Since they canceled my medical insurance in April I also had all my therapy sessions cancelled on me. It's hard. I can't talk to Wash about it all, and I don't have close friends to confide in. My family is also unsupportive of me and do not respect my priority of my husband first. Makes for a lonely and often sad existence.

He's napping now. Cuddled up next to me. Said he couldn't sleep in the bed last night without me. Cat's asleep up here too. It's a nice moment. It's these times I cannot remember when it gets dark in my head. The little things I can be thankful for/of. My garden is blooming and wonderful. I picked 3 huge strawberries for my cousin yesterday at our Mother's Day brunch. I love the growth and life out there. I'm saddened though that one of my red bell pepper plants seemingly has suddenly died. I have to look for the receipt, I think I can get a replacement for it.

I've been so lost lately. I have never not worked or not been in school. I'm not quite sure who I am as a person anymore; so much of my life is all about him now. I don't really know what I want, or even if I want.

My asthma has also been acting up lately; an odd thing now that it's getting warmer and drier down here. I really half hope I end up needing to go to the hospital at the next attack; I can't afford my control inhaler anymore ($200 + a month) and within like, 2 weeks of going off cause I can't afford to fill it my breath is a struggle. I'm back to using my rescue inhaler several times daily; when I was medicated I used it maybe once a week! I'm incredibly saddened by the fact that I have to have my own health suffer again right now. My state and Government have turned their back. I've become a number only to them and it's not the "right" one. So, if I get 'Need to be Hospitalized' sick I automatically get covered 'cause at that point the State again realizes that I am, in fact, sick.

Bastards.

I want to find a way to sue.