Wash had an accident in bed. On my half. Of course. Got it cleaned, got the bed linens changed, but I could not sleep on my side until it dried out. I slept on the couch.
I know he did not do it on purpose. I'm not mad, but it is just endlessly frustrating sometimes.
He is a 25, almost 26 year old grown-ass married man. However, his brain sometimes is stuck on a 5 year old setting. There's this balance I as his caretaker have to have; he is an adult, his is to some degree independent. He is also incapable of looking after himself or in his own best interests. I have to give him his freedom, and at the same time be able to watch him, catch him, clean him, and make sure he lives- lives well.
It's hard. To say the very least. We had his pre-chemo appointment this morning. He is "plateaued" as far as his neuro-oncologist thinks. He shouldn't get much worse brain-power wise, but he might not get much better. Honestly, I worry about him going back to school; being able to finish his degree. He is so close, and I want him to walk and get his diploma before he goes. I just worry with his total lack of multi or dual tasking and his severely impaired memory if he really can.
I haven't been too great either. Out of my anti-depressants and I'm a frakkin' wreck. My anxiety and depression have come back hard at me; I'm shocked at how quickly it hits me, those dark thoughts and feelings. It scares Wash and myself too. I'm strong enough to admit that much as Ihate medication I need it right now to be an effective caregiver for Wash. He deserves a healthy partner. He needs and requires it for himself to live; and as long as I am not properly medicated it's hard for me to be there for him. I can't afford the pills without insurance; it's well over $200/month just for the anti-depressants. Since they canceled my medical insurance in April I also had all my therapy sessions cancelled on me. It's hard. I can't talk to Wash about it all, and I don't have close friends to confide in. My family is also unsupportive of me and do not respect my priority of my husband first. Makes for a lonely and often sad existence.
He's napping now. Cuddled up next to me. Said he couldn't sleep in the bed last night without me. Cat's asleep up here too. It's a nice moment. It's these times I cannot remember when it gets dark in my head. The little things I can be thankful for/of. My garden is blooming and wonderful. I picked 3 huge strawberries for my cousin yesterday at our Mother's Day brunch. I love the growth and life out there. I'm saddened though that one of my red bell pepper plants seemingly has suddenly died. I have to look for the receipt, I think I can get a replacement for it.
I've been so lost lately. I have never not worked or not been in school. I'm not quite sure who I am as a person anymore; so much of my life is all about him now. I don't really know what I want, or even if I want.
My asthma has also been acting up lately; an odd thing now that it's getting warmer and drier down here. I really half hope I end up needing to go to the hospital at the next attack; I can't afford my control inhaler anymore ($200 + a month) and within like, 2 weeks of going off cause I can't afford to fill it my breath is a struggle. I'm back to using my rescue inhaler several times daily; when I was medicated I used it maybe once a week! I'm incredibly saddened by the fact that I have to have my own health suffer again right now. My state and Government have turned their back. I've become a number only to them and it's not the "right" one. So, if I get 'Need to be Hospitalized' sick I automatically get covered 'cause at that point the State again realizes that I am, in fact, sick.
I want to find a way to sue.