Tuesday, February 26, 2013

There must be some way out of here

I think it has been long enough that I'm not spoiling this for anyone, but on the chance you have NOT seen season 4.0 or 4.5 of Battlestar Galactica and you even think you might want to; stop reading now.

I'll be at Emerald City ComicCon this weekend.
I'll be visiting with some very wonderful friends, some people who are supportive, caring, and people who love me and wanted to see me happy, do something nice for me.

This will be my first trip alone since I married.
This will be my first trip alone since I was widowed.

This will be my first 'Con alone, or without Wash.

I'm still planning probably on Friday going as Yves from TLG. Sunday, I'll be hunting Walkers in the convention hall.
But for Saturday (maybe Fri as well) I'll be going as Kara "Starbuck" Thrace.
Late series Kara.
Married Kara. Harder Kara.

When we were still hopeful about having a child, 'Thrace' was a middle name we both adored.
Our various electronics are named after Cylon models; we have Boomer, Athena, Anders, Leoben, and Tigh.
Wash saw the ending before I did. I was not caught up yet, and he wanted to see it when it was broadcast.
I remember him sobbing. I did too.

For different reasons now.

Kara had Anders.
I had Wash.
Kara watched as his brain went out, as it ceased to be 'human', more Cylon then.
I watched as the bits of humanity were slowly taken from Wash, his memories. His life.
We had the same kind of "goodbye", though on different circumstances.

I could not go to 'Con as Zoe Washburne. That still, is much too close.
Too many memories for me of hearing a wry laugh, "You nicknamed me in 2008. Did you know back then?"
Hearing my Wash play A.T. and keep asking me, "Tashi, why does my script for Serenity end on page 88, and yours goes to 130? Guys? ....?"

No, too much.

But Kara? I can be Kara. I can be strong like her.


Some day, I will attend a 'Con (or two) where I can meet Jane Espenson, Joss Whedon, "The Grand Moff" [as Wash would call him] and Ron Moore and get down on my knees and thank them.
I can thank them for creating something so wonderful it not only brought me to meet my husband, my soul mate, but gave him comfort in the last years of his life, dying of brain cancer.
When my husband could not remember what day of the week it was, he could still recite lines from BSG and Firefly.
When he could no longer run, I helped him to walk. When he could not walk, our friends rallied to help him crawl. When he could not even crawl, it was the worlds of Science Fiction; his favourite shows and characters that carried him home.
From "Firefly", he knew I could still fly true after he was gone.
From "BtVS", he knew we could both fight; hard, strong, and with heart.
From "BSG", he knew I would be there by his side. Imprinted on each other.
From "Doctor Who", he knew it was ok to let go, to leave, and to begin his next adventure after 'life'.
To explore.
To regenerate, but not as my Wash.

He loved the Cosmos, and the infinite possibilities that it contains.
And he loved the way that Science-Fiction brought together all those wonderful ideas, possibilities, worlds, characters, music, colours, shapes, creatures and beings.
That gave his life meaning.

So, I'll be looking out to thank people.
Perhaps, if you, Dear Reader, have the opportunity to meet one of these great creators before I do, you will also say thanks on behalf of my Wash.

'Never give up, never surrender!" - See you at 'Con!


  1. Gah! Lost my comment again!

    Anyway, I'm glad you're going to ECCC and I hope to see you there. I've sent you so many virtual hugs over the past few years, I'd love to be able to give you one in person. I hope you have a fabulous time.

  2. I don't know if Jewel Staite is on your priority list, but she will be at the Rose City Comic Con in Portland, Or. I would be happy to host you here, if you would like to come to that one (I know I'm a stranger.) (I can also probably get you free passes.)