Dissertation

Bear with me on this, I have been away true, but needed to escape everything but my own brain for a little while.

First things, so last week Wash and I got some official medical news that was just... shitty. There's really no other word. Not "I'm gonna die right now" type bad, but up there. It has taken me some time to deal with this medical issue physically myself and Wash has been taking some time to try and be supportive for and with me. Really the only other thing right now I want to say on it is that I will most likely not be writing around Father's Day this year. It won't be the same as we imagined.

We took time. Time to reflect a lot this week; I certainly had enough challenges come up. This

week I have to continue my "normal" job of dealing with the DES people who want to mess with our Food Stamps, and I am trying to figure out what is going on with Wash's insurance as he is being dropped from certain services with our AHCCCS insurance and I have to now not only figure out what is going on with Wash's MediCare- because apparenly I am supposed to change which plan on those he is currently on with something else. A lot of instructions telling me what NOT to do, but not that much help with which correct papers I need to file. Le sigh. Not to mention that AHCCCS changed their phone number on me in just a mere 4 days after mailing me a letter with an old disconnected phone number attached to it. On top of that I am also trying to figure the correct wording to send a letter to our landlord to settle up our "Garden Problem" so I can get both my backyard put into some semblance that does not seem like scortched Earth and hopefully some money to compensate for all the shit that has come from it.

As far as the car goes thankfully she is all fixed. $1400.00 I really did not have, nor that we wanted to spend all of the parents' emergency fund. The car runs now safely and we have Air Conditioning again which is so so SO important not just in summer in Arizona, but also for Wash who cannot regulate his own body temp. This way at least he and I can both get out a little bit more now. Though we are far too broke to buy gas or really do much of anything. I am beyond thankful that it was not worse, that it didn't die on the freeway that night, that we made it within a mile of both my parent's house and the car repair shop. I'm thankful that the car did not project out the explosion and it was contained under the hood so neither of us was burned. I am thankful as well that it was repairable and I am not (currently) having to shop for a new car that I really could not afford at all.

We've been this broke before. It is scary, but it is no longer a new feeling of fear. It feels like the fear of all that can be lost because we can't afford anything ... it's not fear anymore, just stress. No new fears, just the feeling of 'stress' now at having to try to figure out how to get money to pay for gas, rent, medicine, electricity... Always more and more stress.

My hope is to change that. My want is to change that. I don't want to be afraid, but I don't want to live the rest of my life so stressed that physically I hurt myself. I have been trying to ask for help lately. Honestly. I have been asking Wash to specifically help me more with things, and I have learned that when I ask him and he CAN... he will. He does for me. I have other friends and maybe it seems family who are willing locally to do what they can for me. I've found lately that sometimes just speaking and honestly out loud going over all that I have to do, all the things that overwhelm me tend to become less of a hostile feeling in my head. It doesn't "cure" anything and it doesn't make problems go away, but I do feel at least some relief, and lately that is what I have been searching for. A way to release all the crap and shit from my life and just try to enjoy what we have and what is around.

Wash won't be here forever. As happy as I am every moment of every day that I can share with my husband, I know always in the back of my head that I am having to remember more to enjoy and to love more- because I have the unfortunate luxury of knowing that I will not have a "long"

lifespan with the person I love more than myself. That hurts. The pain is tempered by the good

days though.

The beautiful summer moments where Wash can wake up and be walking by himself before noon. The days where we can meet up with old college friends and catch up on time gone by. Lovely days with moments for just the two of us. A nap. Cuddling with furry and purring cats. Midnight walks in cooler air where we talk of a future that might not happen and just try to be content with living in the now. We have those moments and I long for more. I have been taking time to learn how to live in it. It's an amazing thing; to feel so young, and old at the same time. To feel so much more mature than others in my age range, and yet, I'm not even 30. It's not that I have some great desire to grow older fast or suddenly be young again. It is just a further note in my mental file of myself that I'm NOT the young person I once was. I am an adult and lately, I have been feeling it.

One of our close friends (and Wash's frat bro) is an awesome kickass lass I'll give the moniker "Sr" for my blog. I've been helping her over the last little while learning to drive and getting her licensed and she in return gives us lovely company and laughs and smiles. She also recently donated to us an aquarium set-up. So, this week we will be picking up about 3-4 fish to enjoy watching swim around their new home. So far the kitties seem to accept the tank and have not been trying to knock it over or anything, but it also does not have fishes right now. I will say though, I do understand the appeal. With our tank when the lights are out in the room and it's just the tank's light... the movement of water, the colours, it just helps to center my brain into a more relaxed state. We ended up watching it (again, no fish) for about a half hour straight today. Wash has named the sunken ship we bought for it the vessel Harkkonen and I'm

considering just naming all the fish we get "Nemo". I'm not really seeing it as more pets, more as a way to invest in a way for me and Wash to relax at home.

We've been trying to find more "busy" things to do; lately it has been being over at our local library. I have a nice pile of non-fic to work through and we also have been raiding the PBS supply of DVDs over there as well. Lots of awesome BBC/PBS specials and other old movies we have both been enjoying catching up on. This week Wash has the Horatio Hornblower series to watch and I am set to hit up again the new BBC version of Robin Hood. I managed to get a copy of the last Christmas special of "The Vicar of Dibley" and holy-AdamBaldwin-height batman! I have to swoon and uncontrollably make "whoo" noises at the jaw-droppingly tall Richard Armitage. It doesn't help the room to de-fog when he starts smiling either. Good gods of Kobol I have a giant of a new crush.

Thankfully Wash is not a jealous husband towards the few people I "whoo" at on TV. Nor do I try and deprive him of any screen time for Stania Katic either.

The twitter version? Lots of shit-as usual- Wash and I still live and love, it's hot and horrid on my asthmar right now and we are beyond broke. But we still laugh with each other and I'm still thankful for all that I do have. Some days are good, some days are not so good, but they all end the same way.

My Wash by my side, a kiss, hearing "I love you, now and always", and the security with his touch.

He is my heart.