Monday, May 9, 2011


Finally got a little money fronted to us so we have internet again and my cell phone should be turned back on tonight as well.

I think next year I need to spend this day in May with some other IF couples.

It just stings like fire in my veins and chest. Not jealousy; I'm trying to work through those feelings. Just the pain of Never-To-Be.

I don't need the men in Congress to tell me- my reproductive choice was made for me. Not by me.

This has been a really hard week.

Honestly- I hate the fact that my husband is 26 and dying. I hate even more that my State and the Representatives in office don't care.
I hate having to choose each month between pills, gas, my mobile(and only) phone.........
I hate that a young man dying of brain cancer who has already been robbed of so much is denied even certain comforts of living as he dies.
I hate saying "No" when he wants a new toy or book and I can't afford it and meds. I hate saying "Maybe" when I mean "No" because he wants to go out and we can't even afford that. Walks are nice, sure, but I can hate that the cancer makes him too tired for walks most days. I can hate that the next Comic-Con (Phx) is coming and he wants to go and I just don't know how to make it happen.

I love him so much... it hurts that I cannot give what he wants or deserves.

If I thought it would work, I would sell my soul for him to be happy the last few weeks/months (maybe a year?) he has.

But what I in fact can do, it is just not enough.

My heart just aches.


  1. What kind of books does he read?

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  3. Tashi I was just looking at the ComicCon site; full event passes are $35 [$$0 at door]. Is that what you need? I want to help with this.

  4. Have you tried asking you church? Those people are always wonderful about rallying for a cause. My church is tiny, but we do some really big things....I am sure yours does too. And if you are not a church-goer, you must know people who are. Ask them to tell their congregations about your situation. People will help. They may not donate a car, but they can provide meals, rides to MD appointments and pharmacies, and help with bills. Anyway, hope this helps.