Like Ourselves

Good / Bad

Well, Wash is so gorram excited for Con. The downside of that was he didn't get a nap in at all yesterday and we went out for 3 (!) errands on top. He slept hard for around 10 ish hours.

An upside of this was another wonderful family dinner, though with a different older brother in town than the normal one (I think he was working last night). Although we did not stay long enough to catch up on Dr. Who with the fam, hopefully we might get a chance when we're taking a rest break from Con this weekend.

I'm terribly nervous. Trying to manage and watch over Wash, and see/enjoy Con myself, get everything else done on top that normally needs to be done, and then the people.

Just, so many people.

My Aspie's was worked up a bit yesterday; Wash informed me for a few hours I was having some tics.

I am trying to trust and let some things go, but my worries just consume me.

I had some bad nightmares last night as well. Though on that I refuse to blame eating pie with Wash at 11pm. Pie is always appropriate.

ALWAYS.

I'm trying so hard to just focus on the good and happy.

I had a nice surprise in the mail the other day as well; something so cool and wonderful I just about wee'd myself. A very special novel. I will write another post on that; my love of books is a separate portion of myself, and sadly not enough to overcome my own anxiety about this weekend.

I see it on the same level as say, sky diving or a giant roller coaster; mostly a mixture of anxiety and fear and hell and perhaps some enjoyment during and then after when I am back and in my safe place. A lot of this will be determined by how well I can seal off certain aspects of my personality to deal with the coming stresses. Too much and I can get through anything, but feel nothing. Too little mental prep and I will be too out of it to make it past Friday perhaps.

This is really not for me; though there are parts I am trying to enjoy. This is about giving Wash hopefully some memories he can hold onto and recall. This is about giving us moments together. Seeing him happy and smiling, and me going all fangirl around certain people *cough*Wil Wheaton*cough* and us getting to just be our geeky, nerdy selves.

The first movie we ever watched together was Serenity after all. We both had it just about memorized and it was just a sealing of the moment that we knew how "I" was to become "we".

We love each other. We love the same things and people and places.

This is what I try and remember to keep calm. I soothe myself by listening to the Wash that is in my heart. The one who still remembers every date, every kiss, every step taken together. Having my Wash to physically be around helps me too, again, hoping that it will all help me to just relax and enjoy.

He's napping now next to me. I love watching him sleep, so handsome. I never tire of seeing him smile and light up, I picture this weekend he will be doing a lot of it.