Friday, December 17, 2010

Something's Wrong

According to Wash I've been having more tics lately. I'm not really aware of these until someone tells me, so now I'm all stressed over trying to figure out what I'm stressed over.

I fought and managed to keep my health insurance and food stamps for my family so we can eat for the next few months.
I have the car in a semi-working order (we found out yesterday the heater AND A/C now are bust. I will have to figure out how to fix and pay for it, or else I need to figure out how to get a new-er car. Betty is going to be 15 in 2011. That's a good life for a car.

I have been able to see and speak to some friends this week and have been cooking up "Holiday Cheer" and making my home smell delicious.

So, I wonder what my new or bigger stressor is now?

I had someone speak to me this week; the conversation started off well enough, X was trying to give me some support- "I can see that you do have to work to take care of Wash and I see that, maybe no one tells you that."
That part, all true and good.
But, then, somehow X got onto this point... "I'm not here to judge you. But you need to figure out what you've done wrong(in the past year since Wash's been sick). You have to fail and make mistakes, and you just won't learn until you do. You need to think hard until you figure out what mistakes you've made and correct them."

.......... What?

So, all that personal therapy I've been undergoing and the issues I have been trying to let go of... back.
Why of course I've made mistakes, I let my husband develop brain cancer until it was too late! Stage 4!
And I have such control of course it's been my fault every time there was a medical frak-up, or his insurance was cancelled...
And my biggest mistake, oh, why that just has to be deciding to have my gallbladder get infected and melt. I just adored being in the hospital unable to work or care for Wash.

I just.... how the hell am I supposed to speak to these people? I have kept my husband alive for well over a year now. Believe me, if I had been making more mistakes he would be dead right now. His life depends on how correct, how efficient I can be, how close to it I can get.


I don't understand when people talk around a subject. If you feel I did something, say it. Otherwise I spend days suppressing my own immune system feeling like shit trying to imagine all the "wrongs" I have done.

So, frak that crap. It's a very Tennant Christmas over here and we are snuggled in against the cold, I make hot mint-chocolate to drink, and we have cats to cuddle with as we watch the new Dr Who dvd's we got as an early giftmas gift.
Focus on the good here.


  1. It amazes me that people find it appropriate to point out that your (or your partner's, or your dog's, or whatever's) getting sick is a punishment for your doing X or Y, or failing to do X or Y, in the past.


    The best response I've ever heard came from a young woman who also had a glio. When a "well-meaning" family member told her that her brain cancer was a result of her having sinned in the past, she replied, "Walp, since I've already paid for sinning, I guess I can tell you to go fuck yourself without reprecussions."

    Let me know if you need somebody to come punch people in the snoot for you. I'm not too busy.

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