Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Apropos on page 88

Oh today went shitty fast. Apparently I was grossly misunderstood and for that deserved to be yelled at.

See, he did great at his stand-up. And he loved doing it. BUT, there are two clubs that hold open mike nights locally. The soonest next time he could go on stage is my birthday weekend. And the prep would require that we do no activities that weekend save getting ready to go on stage and resting.
My birthday last year was the worst day of my life. He's aware that I really wanted to do something nice this year.
So, I explained to him that it kinda sucks how well he does at comedy; his success means my sacrificing again. I explained to him that I like seeing him perform and being happy. But it still sucks that it comes at a cost to me. See, I don't know if I will get another birthday to celebrate with my husband.

So, this basically comes out in a hissy/yelling at me fit. He's not talking to me, not communicating his issues. Then he blows up and spends 4 minutes attacking me because of all the things he hasn't told me which I am assumed to know.

He's not talking to me. Or asking questions. Or clarifying. He just makes his assumptions. I could not even ask him a question this evening, it was an attack. He cannot admit the truth as it is presented in front of him. It's his brain, frakking everything up.

He is upset that I am not playing with him that much right now. I just can't make him understand AND remember that I am the adult, and I have all the responsibilities. It's ok if he wants to sleep in until 11 am everyday, I have to be up. It's ok for him to spend a day playing at the local Games Despot but I have paperwork, phone calls, bills, insurance claims etc to do. And if I don't do them it's not like he can or will. It all ultimately lies with me and as much as I want to do everything he wants, sometimes I just can't.

It's tiring. It's exhausting taking care of everything. Trying to also be his brain and memory full-time too. It's all the cost, work, pain, responsibility, and work of BEING two people, with almost none of the rewards for me individually.

Yes, some days I am jealous. Yes, some days I am sad. Some days I am so depressed I wonder if I can move. But even my very best days I have worries and duties that he never has and is unable to recall are there.

I'm not really allowed to talk with him about this. That isn't being a very good friend or wife to him. I don't have many friends at all to confide in. The ones who are my age are all scared off by the death and sudden life change I have undergone. They don't really call me, or attempt to hang out anymore. The few older friends I have I don't always feel fully comfortable confiding in. And even when I do there's not many people I could call at 2 am to talk to.
It's sad. There was a time in my life I had at least a handful of then true to me friends who I could call at 3am and they would be there.
Not anymore.

It's a lonely existence. I feel both a very young woman and also so very jaded and old.

I'm not unhappy he did so well. I'm upset that the lack of timing and options for his own happiness means I have to compromise my own again. And the thing about cancer is, it's not Wash's fault there's only two clubs locally, or that the soonest spot is that weekend, or even that he wants to do it again right away; but Cancer means that I have to put it first always now. I have to put his needs, wants, happiness before my own every time. And since it's not his fault, or I can be mad at Cancer not Wash, I have to eat up the pain of my own wants. I have to smile and try to forget that there are things in this world I desire. I will not get them. And it's a mark of an awful person to put my needs, my wants before his own. He's dying not me. He has Cancer, not me. Therefor my wants/needs do not take priority or matter, and thus, I as a person with an identity do not matter.

Smile and make him happy Tash.

It hurts less if you also pretend you're not real.

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