Sunday, February 21, 2010

Green bananas

Up early today- apparently I was snoring and shivering too much, so I left Wash to get some sleep without me.
I think I have to be getting a frakton closer to 130 lbs- I really have not been this skinny since summer 08- when I lost an extra 25 lbs from my own c-battle that summer.
It scares me. It scares me so much about my eating/ appetite. It still hurts after I eat- that 40 mins of digestion and the hour after my intestines burn. Plus, I literally have no appetite- my brain knows my body needs food and energy; but I can't get my stomach to make bowel sounds lately and I just don't want to eat- foods don't hold appeal to me and I eat three bites and feel full now.
For example yesterday I had;
*70 oz water
*24 oz juice
*2 x 3oz of pinto beans
*One bite lentils
*One bite mashed potatoes
* 3 sips of juice/yoghurt smoothie

And actually for me that might be a bit more than usual. FRAK! That's NOTHING ! And yet, I wake this morning and again not hungry. I want some hot tea only because I am cold.
Can't wait til Mon to talk to my PCP and Surgeon on the follow up about this. I'm not healthy and I don't want to go back to the hospital. I'm worried now that my liver maybe is infected now- maybe the gallbladder didn't come out in time- or my pancreas might be failing or something.

Yesterday evening was a long one. Wash and I had a rough emotional day. For him it was a "If I might die tomorrow or have fatal tumour in 3 months then why do anything anymore?" [Green Banana] kind of day. I held him as he and I cried for a few hours. It breaks my heart; I can feel his pain and his fear and sadness; but I can't make them go away in him all the time. My heart breaks too- after all I gave it to him to use. I want him happy. I want us happy. I still want to try at a life together- because I have to believe we will have one. If we both give up, might as well let him go out as he pleases when the pain comes again. I don't want that. I'm fighting for him, for us, for our future.

He also really cried around me for the first time about the loss of our future child. I think we both might be ready now to get a grave marker and maybe, maybe, try to move on. Won't and can't ever forget her, or what she would have meant to us, but we can try to move forward.
I told him as morbid as it may be, it's time to write out his bucket list.
I want to try for a normal life, yes, but I am still going to give him the best life I can while he is here. That wonderful man deserves nothing less.

Worked out in my garden yesterday- harvested the last of my Big Boy tomatoes from the winter season. Have a ton of new flowers up- and even my green bean plant is flowering too! We have about 4 new strawberries and another 3 or 4 flowers on the plant, the mint is doing so well, the parsley too- and the dill is almost a foot tall now! I'm still hoping this week to get more soil to put down my next set of spring seed and seedlings; I also have asked Wash to help me grow Stevia this year and we are building a new porch side garden too for the corn and beans this summer- my goal is that the corn will grow around the porch and act as a secondary 'privacy screen' to it.
Hey, if it happens, I'll post pics.

Today; want to go to church, get groceries and Wash's chemo meds picked up from the Pharmacy, try driving around my block a bit [haven't driven in almost a month now!] and get a game or two in with my love.

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