Monday, December 5, 2011

Keeping secrets

I came to a realization this weekend; one that is simplistic and complicated at the same time.

Life must be unfair. There is no way- believing in a deity or no-for life to BE fair. Fairness implies some level of choice; either on the giver or receiver's end. Some things, some of the most basic things, there just is not that "choice" that is held in an illusion.

Wash did not choose his cancer.
He did not choose what type.
He did not ever choose when it came.
He did not choose the size of his tumor.
He did not choose the location.

He was "given" the choice to live or die. Duress takes on a much more living definition than flat words in a dictionary.

Wash spent a lot of time after his EEG recovering. The neurologist says it did not show evidence of epilepsy, but he did have physical sensations and issues on his right side after a light test; so there is something going on. He has some specialist conferencing about what new anti-seizure medication to switch him to. I know a clinical trial was mentioned, but I'm not sure if he qualifies due to his cancer status.

We have had some good moments lately. I hold onto those. I need to write about them more, find a way to hold on- there will never be enough for the short time I have my husband.
We spent most of a day watching "Fringe" in bed. He was still very tired and in a lot of pain on his right side. We watched, looked for the hidden Watchers or Auggie (August) and cuddled. We spent a lot of time in the moment. For us right now the future is so uncertain and painful to imagine; it still physically hurts to think, to mostly know, I will be a widow in my 20s. Thoughts hurt. The future will hurt. So, we spend time in the now.
We spent some nice time as a couple. Just a few walks, I cooked a little more than normal, and some extra "adult" time; time we both enjoyed getting to spend. It did not feel rushed or pressured, like we 'had' to. I simply tried to be in the moment and to enjoy sharing that moment with my best friend, who is also my husband.

Sunday was nice; Wash had not felt as good as that the whole week; his physical strong point. Mentally he was a bit slow, but I have helped him on those days before. The morning I spent in the kitchen making some vegetarian Crock-Pot chili / bean stew. We left that to cook and make our house smell awesome, and get me away from the Fair down the street with thousands of people. (I'll have to deal with that shit again come the New Year's Eve block party/Fiesta Bowl)
We headed across town to my brother's house and got to play with his new home theatre system; Wash had never seen "A Clockwork Orange" before, so we figured as good a time as any to see it! He seemed to enjoy the film, at least from a directorial standpoint. We came home, drove without any real trouble thankfully and noticed my odometer was close to a really cool number; though we did not hit it that night.

We came home for dinner and had a friend come over with his version of meaty chili- I had also made a cornbread with honey-glaze. To say it was a hit would be ... underwhelming the passion with which it was consumed. It was cold and rainy outside and the chili was warm and so delicious. It was a really fantastic evening, and in a week we should hopefully have one more for dinner- our friend comes back from Argentina at the end of this week. I cannot wait to hear all her grand adventures and see the photos.

We ended the evening with cookies I made and some lively BINGO games.

Today dealt with the neurologist again, and another rainy day. Though, we did get to drive the extra mileage needed to make my little Aspie brain so so so happy. 16 years old and my car hits this;

There's always more, but for today, I'm trying to just hold onto the good and happy and lucky.

1 comment:

  1. Tashi, one book ............ that's in the Library; and also inexpensive (used) on, too ............ that REALLY changed my life is, "Whoever Said Life Is Fair?: A Guide to Growing Through Life's Injustices," by SaraKay Cohen Smullens. Through-the-years, the book's had numerous, numerous reprintings, because it's a gentle, thoughtful book that doesn't "hammer" it's readers with dictums, but simply recounts stories from the author's (and her clients') own, real lives that lead her readers to really BELIEVE what we already DO know (subconsciously anyway!!) from our own personal, very hard experiences............ i.e., that Life is unfair.

    What you're personally doing, though----while simultaneously acknowledging that Life is indeed unfair; and also spending a lot of T.I.M.E. ~ I.N. ~ T.H.E. ~ M.O.M.E.N.T. ~ O.F. ~ N.O.W----is not only fighting the "good fight" against the Unfairness Of Life............ but you're also, in a way, winning the "good fight" against the Unfairness Of Life by REALLY LIVING LIFE with Wash ............ *I.N.* whatever time together you may have.

    Sometimes, when Life has almost beaten us (individually) down into *a pulp of nothingness," we can triumph, in a way, over those truly agonizing and totally unfair cruelties of Life by ............ (selfishly, but in a *good* way!!) enjoying and *S.A.V.O.R.I.N.G.* spending ............ Time In The Moment Of Now. You're savoring and "holding onto" those good moments and memories, Tashi, for sure.