Wednesday, March 20, 2013


Hospice is sending someone over to talk to me on Friday.

So. Just have to make it to then.

I've gone back a bit. Minute-by-minute now, trying to exist.

I never knew how exhausting it was to feel so empty, alone, grieving.

Life continues, for all others.
I haven't figured out how to stop thinking about the person I had expected to spend MY life with. How to stop all those thoughts that come up when you love someone, and marry, and think about what the future could bring.

How to stop or quiet down the Gaius-in-my-head.

I'm tired of hurting and feeling nothing at the same time.

I don't have trust in Life anymore.


  1. I am so happy somebody is coming to talk to you. Hang in there. I know it's a cliche right now, but when you're going through hell, keep going! One of the hardest things about grief is it's not linear. It comes in waves - you get a breather, then it hits you again. Just hang on, it will get better.

  2. Have you seen Finding Nemo? I use Dory's "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming" quite a bit--as a mantra for stressful situations, as a reminder that it will not always be as bad as this, but mostly, when I'm in a horrible place, to remind myself that it's enough to "JUST keep swimming." Right now, all you have to do is keep swimming till Friday.

  3. Tashi, it sux and i only can say that time will pass-years maybe-before it stops hurting every single minute. Your life will never be the old normal and that transition may be a slow one. I'm relieved that Hospice is coming-they're really good with grief and all of them i have met were just wonderful people. Hon, you are so smart to use what resources are available; it can only be helpful, hospice is the best.

  4. Hold on. Hold on for yourself. You will find the strength to go on and find something in life that gives you a fire and a goal and a purpose to move forward. I am glad to know you asked for help when you need it.