Friday, February 17, 2012

Somebody that I used to know

The nature of brain cancer is such that -being in and of the brain- it is rather unpredictable.

Wash had a much better day today, and in turn I did as well.
I let him sleep in an extra hour in the morning, and he felt strong enough to actually go downstairs and eat breakfast at our table. That happens every few months or so, it was quite nice for me.
He also said he was in much less physical pain today than yesterday, so that seemed to contribute in a positive way.

My mum came and talked to me for a couple hours yesterday while our Social Worker stayed with Wash. He has a medical background as well, so I do not have to worry about Wash's level of care. I got a chance to vent about a lot of things, and just ponder some questions I do have to answer, at least to myself.

Had some of Wash's frat bros come over in the evening to help me watch him and do a few errands. I'm finding that asking for help is not a terrible thing, even if my brain thinks so, and Wash really responds well to company and stimuli that is not just, well, me.

So, today went a lot happier for us both. We had some more good talks with our SW, and Wash had his hair cut and beard trimmed by his CNA who came over in the afternoon. We even got in an episode of NOVA and he managed to stay awake through the whole thing. Then he crashed for about 2 hours.

There are some moments I live in 15 minute increments. Some nights I am tired enough that I do just fall to sleep instead of burning my brain thinking all night long.
I have to remember I do not bear this alone. There are other who have walked before me, and some who can share with me now. It is hard, hard often to remember this, but I have to.

He will be my husband until death. Parts of him might change or be lost, but he is still mine. He still fought and came back from death twice for me. I can mourn, but I cannot let myself forget.


  1. Wow, Tashi -- your last few paragraphs, in particular, are so profound. We aren't automatically "good" at handling such life-challenging situations. It sounds like you are learning a lot, or -- as your blog title suggests -- learning to hope.

  2. Although this isn't even in the same GALAXY as your & Wash's situation, Tashi, about 8 years into our (now 38-year) marriage, my husband was diagnosed with chronic Interstitial Cystitis of his urinary bladder; and (with the man I love, as you love Wash), I have learned the *real* meaning of............ "Until death do us part."

    Because of the intractable pain, there are those with Interstitial Cystitis who have committed suicide; and, in the past, some sufferers----i.e., in an attempt to just get RID of their bladder pain, which "feels like being constantly cut inside, with GROUND glass"----have, in desperation, opted to have their urinary bladders surgically REMOVED. Without really getting into specifics, my husband's life was, and has been, SIGNIFICANTLY changed by this (damnable!!) chronic illness............ along with my life. Fortunately, as my husband has aged, his worst symptoms have somewhat moderated, though, (which is often the case).

    Anyway, (very theatrically), "My Mama never TOL' me it was gonna be like this!!" When you also repeated those words, "Until death do us part"............ (to the man you love with your whole heart/mind/soul/being, Tashi)............ maybe neither of us, (particularly me!!), understood the FULL meaning of the word............ "U.N.T.I.L."............ and the incredible array/wide extremes of human emotions that can TRANSPIRE............ WHILE "until"............ is actually goin' on, you know.

    Despite all of our real situational differences, my good~~(college-educated, but just A Regular "Guys' Guy")~~husband, whom I love dearly, thought that tellin' "Our Story" to you, Tashi, would MAYBE............ (i.e., somehow)............ help you & Wash now.

    Prayers and ~ (((*hugs*))) ~ to both you & Wash ~

  3. It's very good to hear that there are some bright spots, few as they are. I know you treasure them. It is also good to see that you are willing to ask for help. Thinking about you two...

  4. Hi Tashi,

    I just want to remind you I think you are doing a remarkable job. I understand how difficult things are right now and, I admire your strength.

    Cherish those precious moments. They become special, many of us make our wedding vows saying, "in sickness and in health" but not all of us are tested on it.

    Sending you both much love xxx