Wednesday, February 22, 2012


To me, if a person reads a truth, a verifiable truth, and takes personal umbridge; that person either has a valid reason for being angry; or they feel guilty for empathizing with the painful portion of the truth.

But, I'm weird.

I'm writing this post as a letter; I won't use names to avoid further mmmm, pain, but I will share the story.

Dear MFW,

I think I would be crazy and unable to care for Wash if it was not for the humanity of Hospice Care. 1 & 2 are driving him sad and crazy all at the same time. I am seeing my husband in so much pain, and it hurts me as his caregiver and his wife to see that. I don't want to see someone I love in pain. Emotional or physical.

Rationally I can understand that shit happens. Things fall apart. Shit happens at a really super bad time, and then like dominoes, the rest fall too. I get that, I do. Truly.

Wash doesn't. He sees hurt and he cannot see the reason behind it. He cannot cognate like that anymore.

I know you are right when you say that they are making his death about them. It sucks and it is painful to say but it seems to be the truth. Denial is painful for those around.

Hospice has been so helpful though. As hard as it was to make the decision to call them in, I think it was one of the best things I could do for Wash. He is able to speak to others to gain emotional and physical support. And relief. He can talk about 1 &2 without feeling guilty about even admitting he has problems with them. He can speak about the pain they cause, and hear from a professional that perhaps 1 &2 cause him pain because they cannot face the pain the truth would bring to them. As hard as it is to understand, it is easier to hurt Wash than it is to face the painful truth themselves.

We are taking your advice and trying to enjoy this week instead. We are trying to focus on his happy and high level of Quality of Life and giving him the best life possible while he can still enjoy it. While he still knows who he is and who others are that love him.

I do not know how long it will take him to get passed this. I hope soon. It's hard to move past something you don't understand, and with brain cancer the real truth is he just does not understand everything anymore. Sometimes I fear we are too far passed when his "best" time would have been. The longer the wait the worse he does get and the more he does not understand change.

I feel more hopeful not that I can change this, or cause someone else to move past denial, but I feel hope that I have support; Hospice and a few friends have stepped up, some family too, to really make me feel like even on days I "can't" do this, I can. And I will. I feel more hopeful for myself as an individual and human coming out alive after this, after he goes.

I love you, and I could not do this much without you. Without knowing someone is hearing our story, our pain, our small triumphs.

Things will change, he will degrade, but I feel- today at least- that maybe I don't have to die with him. Maybe it will be ok for me to say "Good-bye" and not "Wait up".
I guess I have to fight to live to see.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Tashi, maybe............ (although this is another "hard thing," in a long, long series of legitimately VERY "hard things" for you!!)............ this is, if you will, a Little Victory just for yourself, (i.e., separate from Wash), where you're able to really FEEL~~~for One Brief Day at least~~~that maybe you don't have to die with Wash; and that after he goes, you might be able to come out alive yourself.

    Back when Wash was............ a completely unaltered/unchanged/cancer-free Wash............ IF he theoretically could've looked way-ahead, right into the future, (which is actually now!!), what Wash then would've *P.R.O.U.D.L.Y.* wanted to say TO kind/loving/caring you, Tashi~~~(i.e., about your "I Will Survive" Emotions, which you were able to FEEL for One Brief Day)~~~would've been that, in the MIDST of great sorrow, you were also simply............ Learning to Hope............ all over *again* for yourself, TOO, you know.

    Prayers and ~ (((*hugs*))) ~ to you & Wash both -