I feel my husband is no longer "there". It's a person I don't know living in my husband's skin. He's angry all the time. He's sad. He hates to "do" anything that is not play or fun. He won't have a real talk with me, and all my own concerns just become sharp barbs for him to cut me with.
Today, he said if I had stayed on the anti-depressants I would not have miscarried.
I can't handle this. It hurts *so much*.
I don't think I'm ever going to be having sex with him again. We sleep in the same bed still, but we don't even touch, unless he is taking the covers.
Yesterday his new nurse came for the first time to help him bathe.
He's still HERE, but the person I love is gone.
The man I married would not say those evil words. I know it's not "him". That's the cancer speaking again.
I hate cancer.
I am just so tired. So sad. I want to go to sleep and just never wake.
Cancer is not a good death. It does not give dignity.
It takes and takes and takes the very things we love. The parts of ourselves we can't function without.
I wonder just how much "Wash" is left? Is there any part of him that still loves me? I know he remembers who I am, but I don't think he remembers what I mean/meant to him anymore.
It's not fucking fair.
He's only 27. This is just not fair.