Thursday, February 16, 2012


I feel my husband is no longer "there". It's a person I don't know living in my husband's skin. He's angry all the time. He's sad. He hates to "do" anything that is not play or fun. He won't have a real talk with me, and all my own concerns just become sharp barbs for him to cut me with.
Today, he said if I had stayed on the anti-depressants I would not have miscarried.

I can't handle this. It hurts *so much*.
I don't think I'm ever going to be having sex with him again. We sleep in the same bed still, but we don't even touch, unless he is taking the covers.
Yesterday his new nurse came for the first time to help him bathe.

He's still HERE, but the person I love is gone.
The man I married would not say those evil words. I know it's not "him". That's the cancer speaking again.
I hate cancer.

I am just so tired. So sad. I want to go to sleep and just never wake.

Cancer is not a good death. It does not give dignity.
It takes and takes and takes the very things we love. The parts of ourselves we can't function without.

I wonder just how much "Wash" is left? Is there any part of him that still loves me? I know he remembers who I am, but I don't think he remembers what I mean/meant to him anymore.

It's not fucking fair.

He's only 27. This is just not fair.


  1. Reminds me a little of Alzheimers, where the memory fades in reverse order. and the farther back it goes the higher the rage and anger. I was charmed when my grandfather started 'seeing' me as his wife, my grandmother, at the age she was when they started dating. was not so charmed at the anger and refusal to be redirected or comforted in any way that went along with it. [I was his full time daytime caregiver for a year.] And this is nothing compared to you...

    I'm so sorry Tashi. It's so bitter and so harsh. This is not how it was meant to be.

  2. Thanks for being honest about how you feel. I think that a lot of people reach this place when someone has been brain damaged, and it's hard to admit.

    I feel for you. I know you feel responsible to care the man you married, even as he's become disabled, angry, and selfish. His old self would be horrified by this behavior.

    I wish you well in coming up with a solution. I wonder if moving him into a more formal care setting -- a nursing home or group home -- is an option, in either of your minds.