Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Break it down

Catching up with some friends today, driving around, pharmacy trip, and it's Taco Tuesday so into Pho-town we will go for Family Dinner.

Things with Wash have been pretty nice lately- he is trying so hard to work on communicating with me and I am doing my best to just have more patience and less anxiety overall. The kitties help. Leto is finally big enough that he sleeps through the night so he and Aelphie have been sharing our winter bed. I have learned that Aelphie loves the corners of the bed and Leto loves covers and snuggling next to one of us. The purring really does help us both to relax, as does the love of the sweet cute fur-tubes.
Wash is cuddling with Leto right now. It's cute. Leto will "groom" Wash's beard.

We got through the Moff's "Jekyll" last night. Great show but harsh arch.

That's not what's really on my mind though. I'm frozen. Mentally. It's taken me a year to get to the point where I can really understand that my husband is dying of brain cancer. Now he's off chemo and it's not a "Hey! Done with chemo!" thing, it's a "I want some measure of Quality of Life before I die". I can understand that. I support him. Still hurts. I have hope, I do hope every day that I will get to go to sleep in our bed with him and wake up every morning to his living face- but I am not living in some fantasy world where I think he'll have five years. I know how lucky we will both be to get two or maybe three.

He is trying to decide on what he wants out of his life. Aside from children. Though we can have fun trying, it's not really going to get us anywhere. There have been three newborns that have come near/into our lives in the last month and to be honest, it stings. I'm so happy for them, but it just feels like a shock or burn to me that we cannot have that joy either. I have learned firsthand how hard life can be and yet there is still the part of me that just weeps at the unfairness of it. I know rationally that nothing is fair and I should be and am happy that I still have my love, but I can also still hurt so much that the few things out of life he wants are things that I cannot really do for him.

I have spoken to Wash before this, he is ok with sharing. Death is quite stigmatized in our country and he wants this ALL to be recorded. The good, the bad, the ugly sad days, all of it.

I just don't know what to do. I don't feel "free". There's no good routine yet, no vocalized "last wish" type thing... just us. Two geeks spending the day together.
I keep thinking that we have "time" now, we can be like newlyweds... except everything that comes after that part is void for us. No graduation, no house, no child, no career... everything the West defines as what is needed to be an "adult" member of society is stripped away. Where does that leave us?
It's just a very confusing time for the both of us and it seems like we have to decide right frakking now what to do with his / our life.

Last night-
Wash and Tashi watching a re-run of "The Soup" and see a scene from one of the reality/dating shows,
W: Oh thank the Gods! I never have to deal with that crap again.
T:Fuck you!
W: Huh? What?
T: What do you think's going to happen to me after you're gone?
W: Oh, crap. I'm so sorry. Want me to design you a Cyborg of me?
T:Always the romantic. Just don't die. That'll work for me.
W: Trying. I'm tryin' love.
T: There is no-
W: Don't say it.

Made for each other we are. He truly is one of a kind.

1 comment:

  1. In my middle age I've become comfortable with the idea of setting things in motion with the understanding that I won't always see how they end. Perhaps you and Wash should discuss ways to start something that will outlast both of you. Right now you are broke and I know that limits your options, but maybe you could plant a tree. Choose a really beautiful, significant one and plant it somewhere where it will be allowed to thrive.