frak it.
Today I am feeling rather worthless. Valueless. Severe self hate.
From a biological standpoint, I purely fail. I should just take myself out of the system, using up resources that could be allocated to those who can successfully breed. Not me.
From a culture specific socio standpoint, I also fail.
My value placed on me from birth up by my family was to continue the name, pass the genes, raise kids, propagate the cycle. And for a long while, I didn't want to. Then I fell in love and got married to a man I thought would be a wonderful father. We wanted to enjoy each other, then expand as a family. We thought we had the time to wait.
Cruel joke.
Right now I care for Wash. 24 hour a day everyday. Dear, reader, this is something I've actually been doing since June 2009. With no breaks, time off, holidays... Since Nov of 2009 I've been caring for him as a husband and cancer patient too. I don't get a 'weekend'.
I'm not able to create future taxpayers. I'm not able to contribute now to taxes, as I don't get paid for the work I do. No one considers the person keeping someone alive to be "work" unless they're not related it seems. I cost money. Merely to exist.
With the medical debt and trashed credit score from Wash's incidents when he had the tumor I cannot afford to go back to school to finish my degree- or any. So, that cuts out education. I now have the start of a nice looooong gap in my work resume which I'm sure will be helpful if I ever can go back and do some work some where. I doubt I will ever get a high enough clearance to do some of the other work I once dreamed of.
The family that I tried to start with him will die with him. And there's really no one else. Most of my family, it's as if we don't really exist.
By opening up to the idea of a love; I've lost half of my heart to cancer. Attempting to succeed at "life"- to have something average and at least something good, has just led to utter failure.
Sometimes I am so jealous of him. To have no idea what it is like to have your entire value put not on your mind or heart, but honestly, from just between your legs.
If I was living in certain parts of India or Iran there'd be a 1 in 20 chance Wash's family or even my own would burn me to death after he died. Not useful anymore. It happens a lot more often than I think a lot of Westerners are aware. And it's horrid.
Rational truth is not always compassionate.
The pondering I have is this, every human life has the possibility of life changing value... but for how long?
Does a time ever come when we can admit to ourselves there is no more use in life? Do humans?When one consciously looks back and forwards at their situation and societal surroundings and says, "I have done my part, made my mark, now it's time to go."
I wonder.
Could someone decided when they wanted to go and just will their heart to stop? Physiologically- perhaps?
How does one determine worth if every marker you fail at?
I don't have a 'happy place'.
Posts
I've hesitated to say this since I first started reading your blog, but I think it's time. Please, please don't hate me. Here it is:
ReplyDeleteAt some point, this is going to end. And it's going to be awful, and the period after it is going to be awful. But then time is going to pass. And it's going to get a little easier. My father spent ten years caring for my mother while she died, and it was a nightmare. I know it changed him forever. But eventually, it ended. Now he has a new life. Not the one he planned for, or the one he wanted, but it's still a life. And he's happier now, and I know he never expected that would happen again after he lost her.
I know that losing a spouse after a long life together is nothing like losing one so early, but it's still true: This isn't what you wanted, or what you planned, but it's not the end of your life. It just feels like it. But someday, you'll come out on the other side.
It's dark now, and you are very tired, but things will get better. Also, please know that there are a lot of people out there who care about you. Try to absorb that love and good energy (if that isn't unbearably hippy-ish) if you can.
ReplyDeleteI just got an e-mail from Cecily at http://www.uppercasewoman.com/. I had e-mailed her about your blog, and she's going to mention it today or tomorrow on hers! She gets something like 100,000 hits a month, so your traffic is probably going to go up. :)
ReplyDelete