Today I am feeling rather worthless. Valueless. Severe self hate.
From a biological standpoint, I purely fail. I should just take myself out of the system, using up resources that could be allocated to those who can successfully breed. Not me.
From a culture specific socio standpoint, I also fail.
My value placed on me from birth up by my family was to continue the name, pass the genes, raise kids, propagate the cycle. And for a long while, I didn't want to. Then I fell in love and got married to a man I thought would be a wonderful father. We wanted to enjoy each other, then expand as a family. We thought we had the time to wait.
Right now I care for Wash. 24 hour a day everyday. Dear, reader, this is something I've actually been doing since June 2009. With no breaks, time off, holidays... Since Nov of 2009 I've been caring for him as a husband and cancer patient too. I don't get a 'weekend'.
I'm not able to create future taxpayers. I'm not able to contribute now to taxes, as I don't get paid for the work I do. No one considers the person keeping someone alive to be "work" unless they're not related it seems. I cost money. Merely to exist.
With the medical debt and trashed credit score from Wash's incidents when he had the tumor I cannot afford to go back to school to finish my degree- or any. So, that cuts out education. I now have the start of a nice looooong gap in my work resume which I'm sure will be helpful if I ever can go back and do some work some where. I doubt I will ever get a high enough clearance to do some of the other work I once dreamed of.
The family that I tried to start with him will die with him. And there's really no one else. Most of my family, it's as if we don't really exist.
By opening up to the idea of a love; I've lost half of my heart to cancer. Attempting to succeed at "life"- to have something average and at least something good, has just led to utter failure.
Sometimes I am so jealous of him. To have no idea what it is like to have your entire value put not on your mind or heart, but honestly, from just between your legs.
If I was living in certain parts of India or Iran there'd be a 1 in 20 chance Wash's family or even my own would burn me to death after he died. Not useful anymore. It happens a lot more often than I think a lot of Westerners are aware. And it's horrid.
Rational truth is not always compassionate.
The pondering I have is this, every human life has the possibility of life changing value... but for how long?
Does a time ever come when we can admit to ourselves there is no more use in life? Do humans?When one consciously looks back and forwards at their situation and societal surroundings and says, "I have done my part, made my mark, now it's time to go."
Could someone decided when they wanted to go and just will their heart to stop? Physiologically- perhaps?
How does one determine worth if every marker you fail at?
I don't have a 'happy place'.