Thursday, September 9, 2010

Mad World

The house is fairly quiet.

Both cats are still asleep. Wash has taken his pills, taken his anti-emetic and gone back to sleep.

And here I sit down to type. It's been a bit since I've really opened up and not just passed along the inane details of my day to day life.

So, what's up, Tashi? as the saying goes.

The standard family issues. We have someone close to us I will give the moniker "G". "G" has known me for years and years, and knew Wash pretty much from the start. G has not had an easy life either, and when in the past few years he has needed something- an ear, a meal, a ride or 7, groceries, movies... you know the stuff you do for a good friend without a moment's hesitation because ... that's what people do, right?
Well, not G. And now I am not sure if perhaps I have misunderstood someone so close to me, or perhaps they are normal and in fact my Aspie brain is doing more than needed.
See, for me anytime G needed something that I could provide I would. Never a tit-for-tat, quid pro quo, it just was. To me, a close friendship- like a sibling relationship- is something that you love the person in a way and treat them as you want to be loved.
Am I incorrect on that? I tend to take things very literally in my life, and I do recall from age 3 or so on being told to "always treat all people like you want to be treated, and love like you want to be loved".
That's me.

I had one friend years ago back in high school call me "Loyal". I took this as a compliment until he amended himself- "It's not Tash. On you loyalty is like a dog, you keep giving it to people who don't deserve it or abuse you for it. On you it hurts."
I have remembered and held onto that comment for a long time. I have to think sometimes it is true. Is that normal? I don't always have good models to compare and go from on behaviour.

Back to the story. So, earlier this week Wash apparently (I don't monitor his every email or phone conversation) asked for some help. Like, I *need* something can you do it type, a request. Not a demand, and not a "for trade" (help me move, I'll get you pizza) just a request. I assume this is something that Wash thought G would be able to help him with. Now, I am not sure if perhaps Wash was unclear (possible) or if G was just being a dick (possible) but there is some strife and unbidden anger in our house.

The thing about me is that I do not ask anything of anyone that I would not do myself if they refused. I will ask for help, but my understanding of my self is that if they fail it must be something I am able to then accomplish. This is my wiring and has always been.
So, I have never asked any favours of G that I was not willing to do either myself, or right back for him. I assume the same of Wash. Perhaps not.

Here is the issue, G does not feel the need, want, desire to help at all if it is not reciprocated in some way to him. "Why would I go out of my way to do something for Wash if it didn't benefit me at all?"

Alright. My issues with this. I have rarely refused to help G when requested, and usually there was a solid reason why. Wash has been the same and has pitched in a few times when needed. Now, granted Wash was asking for help. But he is G's friend too. And I can understand a friend a time or two saying no. This was not by means an extravagant request- when I asked Wash I learned it was something in fact I have done in the past for G on more than several occasions. So I am just genuinely confused.

Why wouldn't you go "out of your way" to do something for a good friend? Why wouldn't you "go out of your way" for a fracking terminal cancer patient? Trust me G, he has much less time than you.

I just simply do not.get. humans. No matter how much I read about them or history, or watch and observe guided and unmannered behaviour I don't get it.
I guess that's why I never flinched around the murdered and other victims- the capacity for violence and savagery and selfishness of humans is unsurprising, but I cannot say I understand it.

I don't.

I simple don't.

Now, I am not equating murder with refusing to help Wash, let me be clear. But in the same way I cannot understand how a human can murder another I cannot understand how one person can seem to and say they care about someone and literally make it a conditional and not giving type of friendship.

Do you have scorn for other humans Tashi? Honestly, yes. Not all, but many more than perhaps I had imagined as a child. Funny, sad, miserable, and sometimes, vary rarely, absolutely brilliant and limitless- humans.


  1. I hate G already. Here are my random, stream-of-consciousness thoughts about that:

    - People who only do favors for friends if there is something "in it" for themselves are bastards. I mean, really? You get to choose who to surround yourself with, as friends. If you have beloved friends then why FTLOATIH* would you not help them when asked? What about one's own psyche is so broken that they must perceive immediate reward to themselves for the simple act of BEING KIND to a friend? Grrr.

    - Often, it is quite difficult for people to ask for help. It took my sister's diagnosis (goddamn brain tumors!) for me to just relax and let go of any hang-ups I had about appearing weak, or allowing people to see me weak and potentially refuse to help and by doing so *hurt* me. When Ellen got sick I somehow in my mind considered it a "get out of jail free" card. My sister is dying: Please help. I don't know how hard it is for a "normal" human to ask for help let alone someone with Aspie's, but for me it was *hard*. So when I finally do ask for help, for pete's sake if you care about me at all: HELP. Same goes for you and Wash!

    - Um. The terminal cancer thing. Say G is one of those bastards who needs to get a reward for doing a favor. SIGH. FINE. Once the cancer card is in play then *all bets are OFF*. The rules go out the window. I cannot believe that this G person is holding on to the "what's in it for ME" thing given where you and Wash are! JERK.

    I am pretty darn peeved on your behalf in case you could not tell!

    *For The Love Of All That Is Holy!

    Here are my closing thoughts: This is a time in your life when you and Wash are allowed to be . . . dare I say it? SELFISH. You are in crisis every single goddamn day, and nearly every waking thought of yours is how to keep your beloved husband alive and functioning another day. You are allowed to - and NEED to - focus on your immediate and critical needs and how to get them met. There will be time later for gracious thank yous and there will be friends and family who go through their own crises throughout their lives, and you will do your best to help them because Aspies or not - YOU. UNDERSTAND.

    You have my permission and encouragement to spend far less time and energy on G. He/she sounds like a d-bag, if you ask me. :-P

    Rascal and I are thinking of you both and the kitties! And we will help you, goddamn it, however we can, no matter who/how asks! (from Seattle ... sigh . . . )


  2. I agree with everything ZenHappy wrote, and would like to add that it seems like in times of real crisis and need, there always is a "shakeout" of friends. Some people surprise you, and some people disappoint you so much you wonder if you ever really knew them. G seems to fall squarely in the latter category.

    G has revealed that he's lacking a humanity chip and a compassion chip and a friend chip. Just let him fall by the wayside.

    I'm sorry you are having to deal with this kind of disappointment while you are dealing with so much.