nowhere man

it's a pity party day.

so many bad feelings. why doesn't my family care? why doesn't his? why are my friends avoiding me? why are they not there for me- when I have always been there for them come shit-to-fan time?
why the double standard? why is he more special? why is he loved more? what did I do?

life's just unfair. I really really actually realized today that I will never get anything I want or desire in life now.
The only thing I was allowed was him- and the cruelest thing is I end up losing him anyway.
never going to grow old with my husband. never going to have a house together. never going to get to build one. never going to be a family. never going to have our child. never going to have a child. never going to adopt. never going to be a doctor. never get to see our 25th anniversary. never able to afford any new large purchase. never going to have good credit again. never eligible for health insurance again.

who will tell me everyday that I am loved when he's gone?

lords, it's a bad day.