so low

I started feeling really bad around lunchtime today. The on/off happiness I had been feeling the last couple days in the weekend just gone, and slammed with just horrid depressive feelings.
I cried in my car for 10 minutes before I drove home.
I stopped a block away, parked, and cried steadily for a half hour before I could go home.

I stopped feeling like a person.
I feel like a "something".
Not allowed feelings, or deep thoughts. Questioning thoughts.
It's literally always about him now, but if I resent that in any way I am horrid myself. He's dying, so I am not allowed to feel this. Only Wash. Tash just watches and cries.

Said today one of the reasons he called his dad to come down and help is that I can't take care of him well enough to make sure he has the basics- like water. Tap doesn't taste as great if I can't get the 5 gal refilled every two days like I used to, I agree. However, I see this as still having water- a basic. He did not.
So if anything happens to him, again, it's my fault.

I either cry uncontrollably or detach hard from myself- which gets harder and harder to put back together.

He's off chemo a week early. I really wish, I wish so much that I could feel happy about this- but when I open up the only thing I feel is pain- so it's pain or numb catatonia.

All through my life death in every way permeated. Still it comes, not at me but again at the one I love. How do I make a future in the wake of this? How do I find hope?
Right now I need my best friend so much. And he can't help me because he's dying and asleep- drugged up nicely to help with the pain of poisoning himself for weeks on weeks.
I need him, and I am so afraid the part I need is really gone forever. That the tumour or the surgeries got to it.

I just have to endure my pain and all he asks of me until I don't wake. That luxury won't come until I watch the man I love with equality to my own soul, dies. And I can hope for a quick one when it happens, but this disease robs most of even that.

The good in my life dies with him.

oh frack.