Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Catch 69? [at both ends]

It's all about smiles and telling everyone I am fine now.
This was made very clear to me last night.
His are the only feelings that matter at all. I am not allowed to have negative feelings- which are all I have these days.
So, no feelings or emotions for Tashi.

I can't be upset, that's being a bad wife. I can't be resentful of anything as that's being a bad wife. I can't do it all, or even do parts right according to his "night of hard truths" but I'm not allowed to feel like I have failed, even when people tell me I have.

I slept alone last night.

He says he did not sleep much either. But, his lack of sleep is directly my fault as he can't sleep without me now he says. So, I have to stay unhappy and uncomfortable all night with a smile on face now too.

At least UC get paid for this kind of immersion work. I just get to watch my losses mount up.

He still doesn't understand that though "we" are infertile now as a couple, it's only me who is feeling it.
I am being asked at 23 to give up ever having any kind of modern, free, or happy life- and I MUST be great-full for it too!

I really have no idea how to get through the next hour or to-day.

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