Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Bad days

My docs keep adjusting my meds, so I've been feeling more fucked up lately.
Yesterday was a very bad day.

There was nothing specific really to spark it per se, but I had the depression hit mid afternoon and it hit hard. I came home, Wash said something to me- most likely "hello" or something I don't even remember but it set me off to crying and bed.
I went and stayed there til almost ten pm. Not really sleeping, or always crying, just trying to not exist.

I have been feeling very confused and lost lately. I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't have a future- a career, a degree yet if ever, my old love now makes me sick (forensic anthropology) , we have no children and I lost the only one we could have had- aside from bringing home some money and driving him everywhere what am I here for?
I don't have an answer anymore. Wash wants me to talk to my therapist and psychologist about this.
When we married it became Our Life. When he got sick, We got cancer. But- the horrid thing is this will take him first- and I can't go. What's left for me here?

I passed out after 1:30. Woke every hour til 4-5ish, then finally got up so I wouldn't keep waking Wash up.
Aelphie slept with me yesterday / last night. She used to do that all the time as a kitten then over the last few years she seems to only do it when I really need comfort. The Egyptians and the very old religions would say that cats were guides sent from Anubis in the underworld to guide the souls safely down. I can get that.
There's something to me about her green eyes, soft fur, purr, and smell, that just hypnotizes me in a way to a calmer state. I remember more things when she is around, I remember me.

I prayed last night. Honestly prayed- one of the few times in my life so far.
Praying for strength today too.
I am so scared about the future. Pray for that too, Tash.

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