Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Get what you need

I saw the sun come out this morning. 
For the first time in some days I didn't wake up angry or scared or just numb. I woke up trying to just Try today. Not just giving into what I "have to do" and going my automotan ways.

Wash and I had some long talks. He will play by the rules now. Or, will try, at least until his treatment ends.
We've both compromised. He can still go out some, but I will always know ahead of time now and don't have to worry too much about him getting into trouble or hurt.

I still wish he'd wear a MedID tag of some kind.   Maybe he can get tattooed when he heals up well enough.

Got lots of people coming in to see and visit with him soon. That's good. It always cheers him up. He's a friendly cheerful, social person to begin with. That's why I really do understand his frustration at not being allowed outside the home [with some exceptions]. 
Me? Fuck, I've been housebound for years before and I wasn't even sick! But, I don't like people or socializing so that's me.

Still no headway as far as my family goes. My mom told Wash she wants an apology from me. I'm not sure what for? For me going to Christmas morning at her place when I wasn't invited? I'm all kinds of confused by her ways.

Everyone thinks I need new / different therapy myself. 
I would agree, BUT, what's the long term benefit here? Hell, what's the short term? I cannot think of any "pros" except - It gets them off my back for still being depressed.

I'm still puzzled by this. My life has been drastically altered in a very short amount of time. I've had no time to really adjust to this and with this disease the continuation is fairly predictable but not on a perfect timeline.
Meaning even if he goes into remission after he gets done in Jan we have no idea how long it will help.

I've cancelled all long term plans. I've stopped making new ones. It's both too hard, and too painful for when things don't come to fruition. 
How "fast" should I be "getting through this"? 
Fuck them. 

I find my soul mate- the one person I have ever found who makes me happy and gives me peace. Something I have been searching for since Forever. 
And I am told to watch him die a very hard, painful, and soon death.
How is anyone supposed to "take it"?

Day by day, hour by hour. 
That's how I have to live now.

I guess I'm still scared today too.

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