Monday, December 28, 2009

Day's Night

Today turned into a Bad Day real fast.

He broke one of our [mine] House Rules. He went out without telling me info about it.
He has memory issues and doesn't /won't wear an ID bracelet. He's not allowed out unless someone is with him or I'm aware of where he's going, when, and when he's back- and a couple more details.
Didn't get them today.
Didn't get a lot of information I needed from him today.

We had to have a "Come to Cancer" meeting. Yes, his memory is affected. Yes, he has had seizures. They won't be considered medically "under control" for another month. So, no, I don't like him going out on his own whim. Too many variables. Not to mention if he gets so much as a cold right now it really could kill him.

And we fought about it. Really, I think our first real blow out fight since he came home from the hospital without the tumour.
I just can't figure out how to tell him, the right words to make him understand.
I can't be the one legally responsible for him if something happens 'cause he won't listen to me. I will not restrain him physically unless I absolutely have to- that's a bit of a difference between me and a Home. Or with his father. I just try so hard already to keep him safe, it cuts me to the bone when he begs me - "Please Tashi please it's Death to make me stay inside."
I know it must hurt him so to stay inside and not get to "do" things and experience everything, but right now, while he's in treatment with Chemo and Radiation I have to. Because that's how I can keep him alive. It doesn't do much for his spirit though.
I hate this. I hate having to watch what this does to him on all levels. Physically he's changed, his whole biology. He's lost some sight too. He's not as strong. He can't think as fast. He just wants to do what he can with the time he has left. I really do understand it. I think he forgets there was a time when I was quite sick as well. I hate how I'm the "bad guy" now too, because I won't let him use this as an excuse and slide.
There's just always so much to be done.
So much pressure. Never time or thoughts for me.

He said, "When was the last time you were even happy?"

October 24th. That was the last 'happy' day I had I can recall. Or, at least one where I was not waiting for my pain to end.

Watching him is just pain.
I can't imagine how to live without him, where I would even go, but it gets painful some days to come back home.
I love him.

I hate this..... disease/cancer/tumour/surgery scars/chemo effects/brain changes


I miss the days where I wasn't thinking about his death. Death was my job - not my Husband.
I miss looking at him while he was sleeping and thinking- 'He's so handsome'
Not every night when I watch him sleep wondering if he will be awake come morning.

I NEED him to hold me together.

What am I going to do...?

1 comment:

  1. I am new to your blog & while I know your sweet husband is gone, reading this post tears at my heart. My husband is my glue & knowing that I would one day be without him would be so hard. I am so sorry for your loss.