Rule 31: It's the small things that are great

Oldies

Still alive everyone; just dealing with some new medical issues for Wash and myself.

I am beyond stressed and angry and frustrated these days. Dealing with our insurance and trying to get some-any-benefits right now is just draining me. I love getting to the point where I have to go "Co-pays/non-insured medication or gas and car insurance?"
/rant

Sorry.

Sample of my day; 66 miles driven so far and this;
One of Wash's (new) doctors says, "Where do you want to see yourself in 3 months?"
Wash, "I would just like to be alive in 8 weeks! I just want to be able to talk about my funeral with my family. I want them to know this is serious..."

Fun times my life. Fun times.

I'll post details later, cause there is nothing like being impoverished to make you open up your life in the off-chance of hope it might do some good. Anyone out there who wants to "adopt" a bill for us?

Here's a very quickly done and basic month for us... the math is quite scary, eh?

Income- $841.00

Food Stamp allocation/month $238.00 (This was just lowered as of Jan 2011- thanks budget cuts!)

Expenses

Rent $750

Power/heat $70 (winter average) to $300 (summer)

Cable/internet/entertainment $136.00

Mobile (primary) phone $65 (taxes move this by $2-4 per month)

Groceries $350-400 month (Chemo means Wash has to eat certain foods)

Gas and Car insurance (no maintaining counted) $140-180 month

Wash's and my medical co-pays and non-insurance covered medication $400-500 month

Sundries (hygiene items, clothes, cat food, stamps) $50-100 month

So, I'll do the math for you; we take in just over $1000/month in "benefits" and to die living the most basic life with almost no outside entertainment (we have Netflix. We don't "go out" anywhere that's not free) costs at minimum $2041.00

Per month. That's more than a thousand dollar gap to figure out how to close every month. On top of every other worry about Wash I may have.

It could certainly be worse. That's still a metric shitton of stress on not even 25 year old me.

So.... anyone want to "adopt" a bill to pay for us?

Any Santas out there, kind hearted folk, well off and healthy... Robin Hood?

To not leave this off as a really horrid down post, I am happy that my mum will finally get to meet her first grandson (eldest bro's) in March. She's very excited and so am I. I'm recording some videos and books for him to be able to hear our voices too, as I hope to meet him someday too.

He just turned 2. His cheeks are so gorram edible it's envious. Happy thought of the day, a grandma getting to meet her grandkid for the first time. That's pretty special.

Best of a Bad World

Today was not what I expected when I woke.

Wash got through his fasting and ultrasound ok. He was really excited for this evening and our family Taco Tuesday. Planned on watching some Dr Who and maybe getting a game of "Chronology". That was not to be.

All in the timing... as we were driving to my mum's place, my brother passed us on the way to Taco Tuesday dinner... and in the 20 second lead managed to get hit, T-boned, on the way.
I mean, this was literally Wash going "Isn't that your brother?" as the car goes by, we wait to turn and drive one block (20 secs) to see that he was hit and his car might be totaled.

Really not the Taco Tuesday any of us were intending. Gotta say though, my mum stepped up and helped him through the whole thing; from the cops arriving on scene to driving him at 10pm to get a rental car.

I'm sad for him, and I know how hard it's going to be for him to have his routine fucked with.... and yet I'm also very glad it wasn't us.

No one was hurt thankfully.
Insurance will cover everything- or at least it should, and eventually life will get back to normal for him.

I feel bad for him, and at the same time, it could still be worse. It can always be worse.

Tomorrow will be a busy day around the house; cleaning to do, laundry, shopping, cooking, dishes, the tree needs to be taken down and put back away... however, slowly my house is coming into a little bit more order. Cancer fucks with my ability to keep order, but I do strive.

Hoping all of you were accident free today, dear readers.

Simplicity

Hatred is NOT my Arizona.

Arizona weeps tonight.

I pray when the sun rises it will come up over an Arizona ready for PEACE.

"We all live together, or die together."

Now What?

No I haven't updated much.

I'm honestly still just processing what I'm doing now, and Wash too. He's still getting the effects of his last round out of his system and dealing with the fallout physically from more than a year of pouring poison into himself.

We went to the docs today and he's going to be getting checked soon to rule out if his spleen has been damaged by the drugs. I hope not, and probably not, but they want to rule it out.

His appetite has been off for a couple weeks now and he's losing weight again. Just when he was getting above 150 with regularity.

I worry. Too much. What else do I do? Can I do?

Worry about money. New drugs, more co-pays, more bills... always. And even off the chemo now I'm still struggling to find the money for all his medicines. But I doubt that is what you want to really read about.

He's stressed. And dealing with depression. And grief. Dying in your 20s is just... hard. Even with the most well intentioned people out there. It's still hard. Living every day, finding a reason to is hard. I have to stand in for that for him most days. Sometimes just the kitten will do. Some days... I'm not sure. I'm not sure what he thinks about all the time anymore. It hurts me that I cannot fulfill, cannot give him what he most desires. It hurts me too that I have to stand back and watch it all. The good, the bad, the scary shit your pants moments, I see them. And it's unfair, but it's the only thing I can really leave for him. I can honour his request to uphold his dignity- unless it's Wash himself laughing.

He doesn't want people- his friends or family- to see him suffering, or in a bad condition. He wants time with them while he still remembers them and himself. It's hard, but I intend to hold up for his wishes.

For the next month I'd guess it's just a game of waiting and recovering. See how he does off the chemo. See what improves or doesn't. See what grows back or doesn't. Then, we move on.

I'm just not sure to what. I'm hitting this 60 years too soon. How do you spend the time left? A couple years if he is oh so very lucky. Maybe a few good months or a year. No income. I don't know if he has a "2nd" plan, what to do?

Always, the verb, Doing. Not Being.

I am scared to just let myself Be.

Words of Wisdom, would you Whisper to me?

Can't Stop the Signal

So, a few years ago (before we met) Wash went to Comic-con.
He then ended up in an auction for some Serenity/Firefly props and such. He had his sights set on a movie theatre poster for Serenity signed by the whole (most) cast.
Final auction comes down and it's my Wash going against Harlon Ellison for the poster.
Wash won it.

There's a larger story there, but it's his to tell, and I don't know all the details.

This thing is like... his pride. And he's been crushed because it's so big and needed a custom frame. For the years since he won it it has been sitting in a tube safely tucked in the back of my closet. I had looked and looked and just could not find a frame that wasn't a custom several hundred dollar thing. So, it became one of my "At some point I want to do this for him" project.

Well, today when I was out I spotted a HUGE frame that was "damaged" and being sold for under $10. The 'damage' was a bit of paint that flaked off the top of the frame. Perfect size. I grabbed that frame.

His poster is now hanging in the bedroom. Summer Glau is staring down at us and it's only missing Alan Tudyk's sig. My Wash is beaming.

He keeps staring at it. It makes me laugh to see him this happy. Firefly and Dr Who are his biggest fandoms, aside from his Steampunk stuff.

It might seem like a small thing, but for Wash, he thinks of himself as a Browncoat. Fighting the fight he/they can't win, but know it has to be fought anyway. This is a way to keep him going, keep his ship flying. This poster even has the tag "The Future is Worth Fighting For". I love it. I love how much he loves and values it. I love how it motivates him to live.

He wears a Browncoat wristband and has since he came out of the hospital. He likes to imagine himself fighting against everything wrong, making a difference. I like to agree. He's my own Captain Tightpants. His love keeps me going too.

Fuck Cancer.

Nothing in the 'verse can stop us.

Troubles and Tribbles

I feel physically sick.

For a month the new neighbours have been playing an amped guitar/drums/vocals at odd hours loudly.

We live in townhomes with shared walls. Sounds travels. Their unit specifically was just renovated with all tile; so sound is even louder in that particular unit. Really not the best place to be "quiet" nor the best place for "band practice".

For a fucking month I have been getting courage and going over and over to ask them to turn it down after 10pm or when it knocks the paintings off my wall with loudness.

They started in again tonight at 10 ish. I went over to be nice, to not be a bitch, and asked them again to turn it down.

"We gotta play sometime!"

"My husband has cancer, it's after 10 on a week night, please just keep it down."

"That's not my issue"

Then they closed the door on me and proceeded to play extra loud for about 30 mins.

I'm going to have to talk to our landlord tomorrow. I can't live like this. I don't pay to hear my neighbours' shitty attempt to play the same 2 chords for an hour. It's stressing me out way more than I thought. I'm fairly sound sensitive, but these guys are just being dicks on top.

Do I say anything else to them? What do I say to the landlord?- "Hey, just want you to know that the police are going to be here every day that my neighbour plays his music loudly. I've asked him for a month to keep it down and now I'm just going to call the cops. " Is that incentive for the landlords to do anything?

Arggh. So stressed. >:(

Never Forget

It is 38F here. (Not a contest)

Why, yes, I snuck out of bed to go throw our pj's into the dryer.

Why yes, wearing super warm clothes IS a great way to wake up!

Also, today marks the first day where Wash would be taking chemo- but he's stopped.

I'm kinda still in shock on the whole thing I guess. It's been 14 months of keeping him alive and happy, and now I have to consciously just work on the "happy" part, come what will.

I am thankful to have him. I am lucky.

But I can still hate cancer.

Cannabis Talk Time ep 5