Glass Bone Woman?

Left foot has torn ligaments by my ankle, and a sprained ankle. This alone is 6 weeks of bed/foot rest. Waiting on the X-ray results to see if it is broken as well; from the exam I could have upwards of two breaks in the long tarsals and 1-3 toes might be broken as well.

Let's see;
*Very high intelligence/ Genius
*Picked on /few friends growing up
*Knowledgeable on several subjects, including outbreak/virii paterns
*Had the love of my life, and soulmate die a young, horrid death
*Health issues/ radiation exposure

I just need a crap-ton of money and I'd be a villain right out of a graphic novel!

[or, that is the pain meds talking. who knows?]

Really? Really??!

Full disclosure, I am on pain meds writing this.

So, Fri after services, I was walking to the Pharm that is near the Synagogue and my house. With some awesome friends.
I'm walking down a curb, and my old-ass shoes that literally have the entire treads worn down/through slips. My left foot falls about 4" and I land on it and roll my ankle. I did not fall down though, like I had when I broke my right foot.

So, I was hobbling to the CVS less than a block away at that point, and by the time I got inside was feeling VERY hot.
Next thing I know, my friend is calling my name and I'm on the floor. The adrenaline wore off and the pain made me faint.
Managed to get home and spend the weekend on bedrest, icing my foot.

My doctor knows about it, and I am beyond thankful my nurse was helpful and sympathetic. I still cannot believe this happened again.

I have a full set x-ray of my foot, toes, and ankle area to be done tomorrow. Then, I go from there.

I also know what to look out for if it get worse and I have to go to an ER. I am hoping it will not get to that.

Either way, I already do not have funds to pay for rent, or electricity for this month (due on the 5th) and now I'm adding more medical bills I have no way to pay for on top.
I literally do not even have a credit card to my name to "float" myself for this.

I am worse than screwed in so many ways if I do end up needing surgery. As it stands, looking for work while (best case) I'm in (and WHEN) a walking-cast is going to be even worse than it already is with my 3 year *non-paid* employment gap.
Arizona being a "Right To Work" state and all. And hating sick people, or people who may or do need insurance. Or hating women, and even more so women who want to work.  (Maybe not all of AZ, but certainly the vast majority who is in charge)


I wish this was a great joke being played on me. It's not.


Little acts of kindness I am thankful for:
*My friends coming from another state to visit, even if it had to be cut short
*My friends who are willing to drive me as I don't have a car, or working feet
*My friends who bought me groceries so I could eat this week
*My friends who bought cat-food so the kitties can eat
*My friends who donated a CVS card to me so I could cover the cost of a few needed prescriptions
*My friends who love me unconditionally
*My friends who like spending time with me, and do it. 
*My friends who make me laugh. Who also make me feel safe, if just for a moment.

*Memories of how much my husband loved me and would care for me, attend to me, and love me when I was ill


Without the Hope of something, what is there to hold on to?

Best case, I have complete bedrest this weekend.

Worst case; I broke my right foot again last night/a few hours ago.

I'm not certain if my doc has someone to run the X-Ray machine on the weekend. So, I might have to hold out til Mon. Or, get someone to take me to St. Joes downtown to their ER, rather than spending two days in the waiting room of Tempe St Lukes.

Yeah. I know.


I'll have to talk to my doctor regardless about my bone density.

Everyday there is a new terrible hit to my horrid financial situation.
And I should be easing my stress, not increasing it.
So, shit.

Good not-broken bone thoughts please?

Foot info

So, some good news from all of this is that we do have extra help, ALTCS [part of Wash's AHCCCS insurance] is covering 8 hours per day for at least a full week, and depending on how I'm doing and what my doc says by the end of the week it could go on, he has the option then for Respite care outside our home, or I might be able to go back to doing most things by myself. Not really sure at this moment, but I made myself and Wash promise not to talk about that until after his birthday, just so I can get through the next few days with less distractions.

I did hear back from my doctor yesterday. She sent my x-rays off to a separate radiologist to check it out. My break is an abnormal one, an incomplete fracture of my 5th metatarsal on the right foot. The swelling continues each day even though I have a "soft cast" wrapping on it for the weekend. My ankle is also turning purple/black. My lovely blue iris foot tattoo is all misshapen from the swelling and miscoloured from the bruising.

It hurts, but the doctors are right and it won't heal if I don't keep to my bedrest and stay off it.

My left foot is still technically "broken". I broke it 3 weeks ago, and tried to push it this week, like I was back to normal. I tried to do too much, carry too much weight, make too many trips in one. So, I guess I should not be that surprised that my left foot gave way under all that stress; my foot gave out and I fell with all my weight and the trash on top of my right onto my right side foot hitting the concrete sidewalk.

I'm quite happy that I had a follow up already scheduled this week, so I got to go right in and have my doc give me x-rays instead of a more expensive and long ER trip. Wash was worried and did want me to go to the ER, but it was about 6pm and there was no one to look after him. My doc says seeing me before 24 hours was up was just fine, and as it was not a compound fracture I did not do any additional damage by waiting a few more hours to see my own doc to check my foot.

So, since it is broken, I will have a harder "cast" type of thing put on my foot and I'll have a 'walking cast' type boot [DAS BOOT] to use with my crutches for at least 4 weeks. Knowing my history and my doctors, they might tell me 6 weeks to make sure I don't break anything else/re-break it.

I have a follow up x-ray at 3 weeks to check the healing and make sure it's correcting on it's own/ that I won't need surgery. At this point, it does not look like I will need any surgery, but the doctor can't guarantee it, and a part is on me to make sure I am being medically compliant.

Wash did most of Helm's Deep LEGO set this week, and I did an Orc/ Uruk-Hai kit last night to complete it. He's out of "new"/un-built sets right now, so I'm not sure if he will be playing with them, mixing the LEGO sets with his Warhammer 40K stuff, or if he'll disassemble it to rebuild.

I had my mum get him the 6th Ed Rulebook for Warhammer that came out this summer for his birthday.

There is something I want to get him, but it's going to be complicated to do without getting out of the house. Maybe I'll have a chance Sunday before his birthday. I am not certain yet if we're having some friends over tomorrow. We're doing Tacos on Monday though for his birthday. It will be a nice low-key thing with my family.

I'm including pics of my feet because I'm weird like that and I like to share my pain.

That's about all I can remember for now. Thank you all Dear Readers, for being so kind and supportive during this. My own brain is guilting me up bad, but my brain can suck it sometimes. I'm doing my best giving him care 7 days a week (outside of my 9 hours per week as "break") and I my body can only give so much for so long before it tells me to slow down.

I'm off my feet. I'm slowed.

Both reached for the

I have a hairline fracture on my left foot; right along the line where I have broken the toe before.

I think if I had not broken it in the past, it might have just been a bad sprain.

So, I'm supposed to stay off the foot as much as I can, no taping it- still too swollen, but ice and elevation.

3 weeks of a cane or crutches and it should be fully healed 6-8 weeks.

Thank you to everyone who is sending us love, postcards, and (for Wash) LEGO sets. He LOVES them. (Thank you!!)

He's playing with them now, much calmer and happier.

Last night was something truly terrible. This week has been a challenge for him. From the cat incident, to the falls. He just got SO ANGRY that the people around him can't "cure" him. That he won't get better. This is in his brain.

Seemed to just hit him all at once, and he just overloaded with anger and sadness and depression.

He would not take his medicine. He would not calm down, he was restless.

Said I needed to keep the cats upstairs because he did not trust himself around them or me.

We slept apart. It doesn't happen often in our marriage.

Hospice said I had to try to respect his wishes as a patient, because he was so clear and mentally present at the time, to be alone. To let him be downstairs without me watching him. He has a right to not be "safe". It's a hard thing for me to get used to, but they are right.

It was not easy to sleep without him by, wondering and worrying.

He was better in the morning. He wrote some last night, and also yelled for about 2 hours while he was downstairs. I have no idea if he was conscious he was speaking aloud, let alone yelling.

I got my X-rays this morning, he had S. as his aide/caregiver. Also gave me a chance to get by the post office to pick up some nice Star Wars LEGO sets that were sent to him. He will offer up to the nurses, "I know I'm regressing, but it makes me happy, and they're just so FUN." At this time I'm not worried about him choking on a piece, so I don't mind a million pieces around the house because he enjoys being able to still create and control in his little LEGO-land.

He needs that, and I'm glad I have the help to give it to him.

I do have a script for painkillers for the next little while that my foot feels frakkin' awful. I apologize if this later makes no linear sense.

We're going to watch "Treasure Planet" tonight, Wash has actually asked me. Like he's taking me on a "home date". I'm going to do my best to stuff down my emotions and show him I'm enjoying it, even if I'm in pain. He doesn't really understand anymore that other people hurt and feel physically and emotionally. It's all about him, all the time. That's ok. That's brain cancer.

But, he won't understand and doesn't understand when I tell him "No, that hurts me."

So, I have to smile tonight for him, because he needs some love and a memory of a smiling wife.

Rise above the pain to give him that.

It rained last night. I had a hibiscus blooming this morning. I hope it helps the tomatoes and the watermelon plant. It will be a little bit before I can water my own garden again.

So close

Here's to hoping it's not broken!

Wash tripped/ lost his balance and knocked his foot against one of our floor fans.

He did not think it was hurt too bad when he went to bed last night, but this morning it is purple and very very swollen and so far even with meds, still painful.

I called Hospice and am following their nurses' advice for him, but depending on the next few hours, he might have to go down to the ER for an X-Ray to confirm if it is or is not broken.

God-damned Cancer.

It would be a very small thing to a healthy person, but ultimately, Wash is not "healthy". So, we will wait, be in contact with Hospice, and just hope very hard he sprained it not broke bones.