Thursday, March 3, 2011


I want to write, to express about this past Tuesday. It is hard to put it into words, even harder to share, but when I started this blog I wanted a place where I could be totally honest and free to record it all, to get things out where I can work on them.

This past week Wash has not been getting all of his meds as needed; we had the funds, they just took an extra few days to transfer. I love that about America, every month I'm given the choice to give my husband life-prolonging drugs or keep our electricity on. (As an aside, I have decreased our winter power bill by more than 40% over last winter. I'm vigilant about turning shite off and unplugging things when not in use. Wash is not, but my hyper-attention balances it out)
So, he has been feeling "off". He is not really eating, he is awake for less than 12 hours of the day and his energy went from 4 hours to maybe an hour of being "up" before he crashed out. Vomiting and insomnia. Cranky. Slow.

It's been fun over here. <--- Sarcasm. This all came to a giant head for us both on Tuesday. I was impatient all day with him and he was just wrapped up in himself. We had a long-ass talk. He's been trying to "escape" lately and now has decided to re-focus on me and us as a couple, instead of more towards what he could have been, which is where his mind has been lately. I meanwhile got the chance to finally have his complete focus... this combined with the sheer emotional weight of everything meant that I was crying/sobbing for about 6 hours. Hard. All the stuff I normally keep locked away in the back of mind (or another organ that slowly rots like my old gallbladder) came out in large sobs and gasps of truths, though admitingly unfair.
Wash crashed out for about 3 hours into it, leaving me to my mind and nothing else. At that point in time it was the most horrible feeling.
I was so alone. The cats don't talk back. Wash was asleep. I tried to distract myself and the only thing that my mind was able to hold onto, the thing I could not let go of then was the thought that though Wash gets to (hopefully) die just as he wishes (even if early) with me, in the place he loves, settled... the things that I am fighting so gorram hard for him to have ; a peaceful and good death are the very things I will be denied. I could only see death in my wake, no friends, close family... I could see my own death, alone and destitute probably in a state facility somewhere with no one to hold my hand when I die. That felt like a burning and heavy stone right on my chest smothering me.

Wash woke up eventually and I was still crying. We talked and I vented more. He finally got me into a place where I could just relax and let go of all the pain, at least for a time. I managed to stop crying. I could breathe.

Wednesday I tried to rest and get things organized and ready to go for us at the Wild West Steamcon. Sadly in the midst of a better day- a good friend came over and spent some time with us and gave me wonderful hugs- there was some sort of tragedy right across the street.
We have a neighbour who we love. She's an older woman who also gardens and we always greet and wave to each other whenever we see her.
Towards the end of the day I heard sirens approaching our street; 2 firetrucks/ med trucks. And a police car. Then an ambulance... that left without anyone in it. The firetrucks left and four more patrol cars showed up along with our city's Crisis Response Team.
I know enough to know that is not good at all.
I plan on leaving a calling card for her on Monday. I guess we just have to wait to understand this one.

We went to bed early on Wed and got a full nights sleep. Wonderful. I feel renewed. I feel lighter. Wash and I are ok as a couple and back to making jokes and laughing and looking forward to our "weekend away"- Wild West Steamcon! We're having a couple friends stay over to cat/kitten sit this weekend (it was not that hard to find someone to enjoy our kitties and cable) so I am not that worried about leaving them alone. It will be a good test run for our week "honeymoon" in April. There is still plenty to do, but I am more relaxed about it, able to shake off my stress just a little bit better. For me though, even a small amount is still something wonderful.

I might not write much the next few days but Wash wants to give you readers some video and such reporting from WW Steamcon so keep an eye out.

The hardest thing was really admitting it to myself, saying it all out loud. Sometimes it helps keep the monsters away.


  1. Oh, Tashi, I'm so sad that you felt alone. Out here in the ether, I'm thinking about both of you.

  2. Are you not with Hospice? In my state, insurance issues aren't an issue. Seems like you and Wash are prime hospice candidates.

  3. Also sending you hugs from Toronto. I've been reading ever since Roger Ebert. I'll hang in here with you as long as you do. :) (Just a lame joke, I know it's not what your poor overtaxed heart longs for ...)

    It's been my observation that people who know how to love and be loved (as you obviously do) are never without love in their lives for very long. I'm sure that there will be love in your life in one form or another.

    Thinking of you and Wash.