Friday, October 1, 2010

Updating the Carbon

It has been so NICE to just.... disconnect this week.
Wash and I have just spent a lot of time together. Reading and talking.
It was disconcerting at first, but quite honestly as much as I did miss talking to a few people the time he and I have had together from this was just so wonderful. We read a lot to each other. And had good time for good talks. About possible futures and ends. Decisions and ideas and wishes. All those things people who have the luxury of time and health to not worry about or want to speak of. What they forget and choose not to celebrate we tried to remember and enjoy. For some parts it felt like we were dating again. It was wonderful to be able to make him laugh that much, to giggle, to enjoy hearing him expound on Jupiter and its orbit this week or my passion about learning of ethics and religion. I don't mean to "bogart" him per se, but I do not regret time spent with him and even some time apart. He has his own projects to work on this month.

Now, I do also have news. I got accepted into a small local History and Ethics class (2 credit hours) but this is the first time since before Wash's diagnosis that I've thought or tried to go back to school. I am scared shitless but also excited. It's been ages since I've been in a learning environment like that. I cannot wait to be learning, reading, writing, discussing. I have homework again, and assigned readings and work. I love that part of school. I am nervous to be around students again though. People my age seem so different to me now, and I suppose I am quite different from them. My identity has changed and not really settled in yet, so when asked to speak about myself or who I am, it's hard to properly articulate myself. Since it is a small class though I am hoping to mitigate those issues.

Wash starts chemo again on Mon and there's now 25 days to go until my birthday and the 1 year anniversary of his giant gran-mal seizure that led to the discovery of his tumour and cancer.
He cannot understand why I am nervous or worried about any type of "party" or the like this year.
Is it irrational to have a fear of him getting ill again? Perhaps. But then again him getting stage 4 GBM at age 25 was pretty gorram irrational as well.
I didn't celebrate about 10 years worth of birthdays. I kept having bad accidents occur around and on my birthday so I decided if I did not celebrate or mark the occasion nothing bad would take place. Oh how young and naive. Bad shit happened. It will again at some point.
I don't even know what material things I'd want- there's one new book out I ACHE for. C'est tout. My basic *needs* are mostly met. The rest is what?- want of material things? Who has time for that? I do not, so I don't spend much time thinking about wanting things- just always and forever more time.
And the other thing I want and cannot have- a child with him.

I've been allowed/encouraged by my health insurance (now with even MORE cuts! yay!) that I can go down to once a week PT for my knee. Honestly and actually it is getting better, but I quite resent the insurance getting to tell me when to stop rather than say my doctor or physical therapist.
I blame Jan Brewer and Joe Arpaio directly for this. Fighting, mismanagement, and flat out robbery of State funds that takes care directly from Wash, me, and other NO INCOME families and spends it on lawsuits, or dress suits, or Honduran Holidays.
I think one of the few things I have to keep me going and alive after Wash eventually goes will be my suit against the State of Arizona and its players in my husband's death.
The debator in me, the State ranking Speechie, the Aspie who studies law in me... they are ripping for a fight, and gorram it, it will be a doozy of one.

But enough of the shite of the world. That's why I took some time off. Focus on the love and care I still have sitting right next to me.

Still here and still fighting y'all.

OH! And of note, to the no longer Anonymous reader who has been shit-talking me? Reading comprehension is your friend. I laugh at the blatant and childish lies being passed around. I will just sit back and let my other readers armchair guess what is wrong in the psychology of someone who lies about a terminal cancer patient.


  1. Glad you spent some quality time together, and the class sounds fantastic.

  2. Wait a minute! Someone has been shit-talking you?! I'm going to want a name, and then I'm going to want an alibi. Grrrrr. One does not know what type of wrath they incur when they attack me or mine. (I have dubbed you and Wash mine, btw. <3 !) Tashi, if you would like this particular dragon engaged to make toasty marshmallows of whomever dares to talk smack to you, do let me know. Hugs!

  3. Wonderful entry.. feels like a breath of fresh air to read... I'm getting a very optimistic yet realistic vibe from it. :)

    Congratulations on getting into class again. Can't be anything but a positive, I think.

    I like that you've got the fight in you. Good for you!