My birthday is coming up at the end of this month. It will mark the one year anniversary of Wash's day of Seizures and his hospital stay, tumour discovery, and brain surgery. Not a good day for me and certainly not the best memory to have and hold to of my birthday.
So, for me there is great trepidation coming up to celebrate or even mark it again.
This caused some contention the other day when Wash was trying to ask me to decide or give input on what I wanted to do.
"It would be an amusing coincidence for it to happen to me again. Do you really think that's going to happen?"
Well, I have no idea. Maybe. I never thought he would have a seizure in the first place, or get a brain tumor, or have it be cancer, or that it was end stage. To me, suspecting that is irrational. What's not is to understand that if it can happen once, it might again, and if the odds were frakking millions to one for the first time, it could easily happen again.
This is the way my brain works. I look for patterns, repetitions in the world and words and actions. I read statistics, but look at the larger figure as well. It seems to other people- Wash has told me- that it is effortless and intuitive but I am not. I do not read minds anymore than I was really the "witch" kids used to call me in elementary school. It's just that there are always 3 or 6 different trains of thought constantly going in my brain to look for the patterns everywhere, of all behaviours. It seems to be intuitive because my brain is loud to me, but very silent to others. It happens so fast it seems suspicious.
Sometimes when we are watching a new episode of a show- really any show I've seen a whole season of- or a movie written by someone who's other work I am familiar with I will feed in the dialog of the characters before the speak. Correctly.
Do I "read the minds" of the writers? No. I just simple have an almost eidetic memory and a very cursed brain that reads the patterns of what has come before to predict the behaviour or conversation.
Sometimes this really pisses Wash off. I will finish his thoughts and he gives me a stink eye.
I wish I could stop it. It takes a lot of joy away from living when I spend all my time just thinking.
So, my birthday. The start of the autumn/winter holidays. I cannot control my fears. I sometimes give in to anxiety. But despite my love of the rational I am allowed as a human to feel things, to have these irrational and alien feelings. Last night was hard as for a few hours he just would not listen or respect my feelings. Some perhaps are irrational and just fueled by fears. But some are very very real with very very hard consequences, and it just made me so sad and angry to no end that he would not even listen to what I had to say.
We eventually did talk it out, but for me some times are just so hard. I am put in a situation I have not seen, heard, or read before. I do not know the appropriate responses always, or the next step, or how to deal. It's an entirely new situation for me and I really hate those. I know that part is my burden, but we as a couple have to work very hard to understand each other. Sometimes he just cannot fathom the disconnect for me, what comes to him so naturally and unconsciously for me with Aspies takes constant work and concentration. I have to think and process before every response and though I am fast at it, I have to literally think everything out, when he can just react.
I admire how easily he can feel emotions and think and speak all at once. I have to separate myself, pull up my rational part that tends to stay in control. The rational part is the part of Tashi that functions. The irrational breaks down and rocks. Or counts rice. Or cleans. For me it really is two parts that have to work to make a whole. To me it seems that other people, humans, can just be. Exist to both feel and think at the same time. Boggling.
First morning of chemo week and he survived. Hoping the nausea drugs are worth the $54/pill cost. I am thinking though from his slow pace and climbing nausea that he will be in bed for today and I will most likely be reading to him.
I am still figuring out what to do for my birthday.