Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Roll the Dice

Short entry for now, I will come back after a good nap to write some more. Have been fairly busy the last few days getting events lined up, things timed right, errands done, 5 loads of laundry wash, dried, and I folded every.gorram.bit.
Lots of stuff. I'm a little behind on my written correspondence but I will be doing that shortly. It's important to me not only to keep in touch with a few people and start sending out my thank you notes from birthday cards, but I have a friend who lives now completely across the country. And I really consider her a friend. And I miss her a lot, and the conversations we had- she's brilliant- and I really just want the time to pass by so I can see her and hear about all the wonderful and great things she's been up to. So I've tried really hard to send her a card almost weekly. And I've lapsed a little, so I am going to make myself do one tonight.
Speaking of, I've been thinking and reflecting on my birthday, and the various anniversaries around it. Not many outside my family know but my grandfather (Saba) whom I was very close with shared my birthday. I was a bit early- maybe two weeks- and I like to think I just really wanted to 'crash' his party and share it as well. It certainly gave me a bonding point with him that aches every year as well.
Wash is trying very hard to do something good and nice for me. I know this. I wish for myself to be able to let issues go so I can enjoy and be thankful for his effort and work and not just fear the whole episode. Irrational fears are the worst, as I base so much of myself in reality and the literal.
It's hard to write of the daily pain of striving for some status quo, some level of 'stability' in a world where there is total certainty of a short (hopefully not too painful) death around the corner. It is hard to convey to others that when eventually he goes a part of me will die too. Some days I fear it is too big to keep going after. If a Time Lord can't really live without two hearts, can I survive when I lose half of my one? Questions, always questions. Does the madness spread inwards until I destroy myself, or will it fan out burning out all of humanity, the world?
These are things I do not know. These are hypotheses that may not even come to pass. But the ideas are still there none the less. They stay swimming in my head, submerged in low water floating and treading until the still of the night, or a calm moment when they chose to rear up and bite into my small amount of self security.
How does one describe that the worst day of their life is every single day since then- that the day replays over and over never changing always that idea of fear, that dry and almost salty rusty taste in the mouth with the memories of the choices and the consequences?
Does English even have a word for that?

Leaving that aside for a moment, we have a friend in town this week and it's kickass. We actually need to show her that one. She came in for a business meeting but is seeing and visiting us in the time in between. It's beyond wonderful really to have someone to talk to, to listen to. She's someone who's been personally effected by a loss to brain cancer, so she can really appreciate the unique situation it places on people. It's a sad feeling to have to realize and know that perhaps without a death we would not really know of each other, but there is good in that as well to know that friendship and help, and positive things have come of the end of a life.
It's great to talk and play and see other total geeks out there like us. Honestly, I thought watching Caprica last night was even better with another friend on the couch.
So, I have her for a few more days, then Wash gets his benefit, the weekend ends and it's my birthday.

I will get back to that idea later.

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