Monday, July 13, 2015

Serenity, Now

I'm trying to get in to have my mental health meds adjusted, but apparently my EAP service switched as of July 1st, so I'm back on a waiting list.
I need Xanax bad, and I've got barely two weeks left of my antidepressants.
I've noticed my Aspie tics are coming back hard, and I have no control over my compulsions.
I'm scared to see someone new and have to tell the whole story again. It fucking traumatizes me more every time I have to go into details with Psychs to explain.

But, I'm really not doing well. I'm going to work, and feeding/caring for the cats. Paying bills. Literally that is it. I'm barely doing laundry, my house is so bad I won't even let my father inside anymore, and I just don't fucking care at all about my appearance or clothing or shit. I'm barely eating even one whole meal each day.

I've outlived Wash. It'll be his birthday soon, and even sooner his Death anniversary.
I know I'm not doing well. I know I need my meds changed, probably increased, and I need way the fuck more Xanax, because I can't fucking cope.

I've outlived him. He did so much, and I've done fuckall. They keep trying to change my job too, so I barely feel like I'm even helping anyone anymore.
I'm just having trouble seeing the point of anything.
I don't have joy in anything anymore. It's all fucking pretend and a mask I wear, and it's exhausting to pretend to be "ok" all the damn time.

I'm not even hanging out with my neighbours much anymore.
Everything hurts. Everything.

It should have been me, not him.

It's all just a waste of time. A wait for time to pass. For nothing. He's not coming back.
I lost my husband, my family, my best friend, my future.

I feel like I am merely existing, a fucking shadow.
And I feel like no one wants to listen.
"It's been 3 years, Tashi...."
No. It was yesterday. It was last hour. It was one minute ago. It is always happening, over and over and over, never stopping the pain.

So, I haven't really been around much. That's why.


  1. Tashi,
    I cannot imagine how hard it is for you right now. You are in such pain that you should not be alone at this time and need help. Please reach out to your family and friends. I was in a similar dark place and the hardest step out of that darkness was making that first effort. You are so strong and made it this far. You can do this. Ive been reading your blog for years and am proud of how you have held together. I admire how you push forward. I believe in you.

    - Richard

  2. Tashi, Oh man, it must really be at the worst right now for you and I know that there's really nothing I can do from this distance but let you know that I am thinking about you and hoping that you get the right help. Having to retell the story over and over has to be the worst way to exist and yet without that is there any way of getting help ?~! Know you are being held up to the Universal Healing Power.

  3. I hope you are doing better despite what seems like overwhelming and insurmountable challenges. Please remember that all of this is not your life. It all is events and occurrences in your life. You will faces them... deal with them... reflect on them occasionally. .. but you will pass them and move forward. You cannot go backwards and stopping only makes their effect worse. Stand up, take that first step then the next and repeat. Even if you seem stuck and is so dark that it seems to be useless effort do not stop. You will find your path and be in a better place eventually. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I believe in you but more importantly believe in you. You did not cause any of this. You do not desrve for all of this bad to happen to you. There is no grand fate or design to drop all this misery on you. It just happens. Even if you get up and fall 100 times you have to keep going. You are Tashi! You are better than all this! You will stand up and push back at all this shouting you will not take this anymore. Remember to believe. Believe it will get better and it will.

    - Richard

  4. I admire your strength so much. One day...some miniscule event will remind you of why you are here, and why you deserve to be here. You have a purpose, just wait and see.

  5. There is no inappropriate length of time to grieve. Grief is different for everyone, and you have every right to be angry and sad. So be angry and sad, and fuck anyone who can't support that. Then one day, you'll be a little less angry and a bit less sad. And this will continue over time to where you'll still have a hole, and you'll sometimes still cry, but it won't be as bad tomorrow as it was today. All the best to you. You are worthwhile, and you will make it through this.

  6. tashi,
    i do not have the words to make you feel better - i guess nobody has. because it fucking sucks where you are right now, because it fucking sucks to loose the best person in the world. i just wanted to say that i send you strength and love and that i agree with what the people before me wrote: please keep hanging in there. you have a purpose and someday you will know that again.
    much love from berlin, germany.

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