Thinking good thoughts for my friends right now in Japan. Most if not all of my family over there is down on the South side of the mainland or on one of the southern islands; but a lot of my friends from school-age days are still up North.
Births. Bris. Weddings.
I want to feel happy. I try to. For the sake of the people I love, I do. I adore and care about my friends and I want so badly to just enjoy their triumphs in life.
At the same time, I feel like I'm walking around at these social engagements with a giant black "W" on my chest. I don't know people, I'm not an extrovert; that was Wash. That was his job, he would socialize or help me interact.
I feel lost.
It felt bad enough as someone with AS, not knowing what to say, when to speak, or what is appropriate (apparently discussing anything related to medical work/dead bodies/bones is NOT "dinner talk") and now I feel like no one knows what to say to me.
I've noticed now that pretty much no one talks about Wash anymore. They don't speak his name. They don't ask me how I'm doing. Maybe it is just assumed or obvious to others and not me?
Or, they've just moved past thinking about him. Which is ok for them. People die. People die who are not integral to one's life, and their memory or need fades.
It's not "starting over". That presumes I've only been moved "back" to a starting point I've been to before. I'm not.
I've never been here. I've never dealt with the loss of my husband before.
I've never had a 3 year employment gap.
I've never had my entire life and future I've dreamed and work towards since I was 12 suddenly vanish.
I hate that term, 'Start Over'.
I can't start over. Starting Over presumes a world without Wash ever in it, which would put me in an entirely different place. That's not what happened. Just because he is dead does not mean I will ever forget he was alive. He was a part of my life, he was a part of me.
This is not a JJ Abrams story. There is no "re-boot" halfway through, no change to another Universe, no extra Wash falling into this world, and no way to erase him from my mind.
He lives in my brain because he used my brain for 3 years.
Too many emotions. I've been crying too much lately.
I see all around me in my friends and family all the dreams I wanted that I will never have now.
There is no way to escape it.
Grief sets its own rules.