What's been missed

Been so gorram busy last 10 days. It's finally going to calm down some, and it's chemo week again.
I will have a bit more of a chance to rest.
So, I pulled off the Surprise party for Wash on Sun with him actually being surprised! Awesome. We had almost a dozen people over, and he was smiling and just so happy throughout the evening and night. We were all dressed up in our 60's/vintage wear and played Bingo, watched Mad Men, and ate Chex Mix.
Great night. He had birthday pie.

We got a gift from a few friends and Wash and I now have a lot of time and oppertunities to go to the movies- all his frat bros gave him "date cards" like to restaurants, movie theatres and such so we could go on dates like... normal people our age.

And then today in the mail we got a card from one of his old friends back in the Bay area; a sweet note and a cheque that will help us cover bills for about a month.
To Wash - and me- a month is a very long time. And to have that chance now to just be able to be a husband/wife for a few weeks... I'm still a bit in shock.

I've been trying so hard lately to be good with Wash, agreeable, and to just stay calm. My emotions over the last two weeks have sometimes felt like they want to take control.
It's been harder to have my internal talks, the way to help soothe my torn psyche. The rational mind that is responsible and never stops, gets everything done... but doesn't feel or connect with Wash. And the Tashi that just hurts to be going through this, the one that just wants to rail and cry and damn the g-ds of a unfair world. But she doesn't really help anyone or anything, just locked away for now, dusty.

The things your grandparents never told you? Love is the most soothing and wonderful feeling- but it comes with the very dark side of loss of that love.