I can share in their happiness. I can take comfort in their joys and be proud of all they do and how far they go and grow.
And yet, every time I hear of another friend getting married I feel like my heart is just ripped out. I don't get a "happy ending". My vows will come to an end much sooner than their own. When my friends tell me they are expecting, and I see daily new photographs of a foetus, or hear progress of a child, I feel like my own stomach was kicked. There is something else I want with all I have, that I will never reach.
And, honestly, where I have grown up, my family, my history... I wanted kids. We wanted kids.
Then we would settle for a child. Did not even have to be our own biologically.
I don't know how to deal. I don't know how to make peace with the fact that I as a human pretty much have no value on Earth. I cannot finish my schooling and I don't ever know if I will. My wonderful and large and very very very curious brain is set to waste. And I fail in the most basic and complete sense as a woman. I cannot have his child. We cannot be parents. I cannot pass along any biological traits I may love of myself or of him.
I feel like I should not even have my uterus anymore, it causes me nothing but literal pain every month with a painful reminder of what I will never have and that I have failed as a woman.
It's all lost.
I don't know how to not feel pain when I see family, friends going out on vacations, buying thousands of dollars worth of disposable material goods...
when I cannot even figure out how to find a few hundred dollars each month so we can have electricity and internet. And yes, both are essential, and if you do not think so imagine living in 120F weather with no way to sweat/regulate your body heat. And you are dying, trapped inside a place with no AC in the heat and you have no means to entertain yourself.
I will say again, men condemned on Death Row do not even live like that. But the Federal, State, Local Government, friends, and family will all watch this happen to myself and Wash and not help or intervene.
The only thing he "didn't do right" was getting cancer in America at a young age. But not young enough to qualify for help. And not old enough to either.
I hate all this negativity and unfairness. I don't understand it, I don't forgive it, and I honestly do not know what to do to change it.
I have begged family and friends. He's talked to his frat alumni. We've had a small story on the TV news, we've had a feature story in a weekly that I have tried to spread around.
I feel so gorram useless. Every good thing that happens to others I know seems to underline all the bad shit that keeps plopping on us.
People say they are "sorry". So "sorry" for my situation. So "sorry" about Wash. So "sorry" this happened to me at my age. A litany of 'sorry'. I'm sick of it, honestly.
Sorry does not solve or accomplish anything.
Sorry does not help me, only points out you have not been where I live.
I need publicity. I need food. I need my electricity bill paid, my cable bill paid, my car insurance- or I can't drive Wash 14 miles each way to his hospital. I need money for rent and my phone bill.
That's what my life is, figuring out the very very basics- and a measure of comfort for at least Wash, cause, you know, he's dying- and trying to cover when the stuff slips between.
Like when I have to make an emergency run to the drugstore at 4:17 am for $40 worth of OTC meds for Wash, or gas for the driving I have to do going to all the doctor visits.
I need someone who can and is willing to help us to stand up. Someone to notice that this is just beyond unfair and is cruel to watch a government and community turn their back on a dying man.
He's not just a lost cause, he is my husband. He is the man that makes me laugh and smile. He's the man who has designed elementary schools to help children learn in a friendly environment. He's the great friend you can always count on. He's a wonderful, learned, and caring Fraternity member.
And I wish, I wish so hard for someone to step in and help make his last weeks/months/year worthwhile as a human. There will not be a cure. I am realistic. I have medical knowledge.
But I can still hope that there is someone out there who has money and cares for a fellow human to see him, to see us, and step up.
Maybe I fail at being human, helping the living not just the bones, but he doesn't. He is the best example of what kindness and caring and patience and courage is.
And it hurts me so much that all the character is taken away from him by this disease. People see Cancer, not my husband. They see a Patient, a Number, not my love.
I just don't know how to deal.