No help

I just don't know how to cope.
I don't know how to be happy for others.

I don't know how to let go of the pain of my own life.


Another friend is pregnant. And I'm happy for her, the part of me that loves her is so happy she will have this joy.

But the bigger part of me just sobs. Sobs over the unfairness.

I have to watch my husband die.
I have to lose my best friend.
I had to miscarry our child last year.

We will never get pregnant again. I will never be a mother. I will never have an option to adopt, and we cannot afford to spend tens of thousands of dollars upfront for sperm bank help.

The world, life is just so unfair.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I never thought that working around death as my life would be literally my life.

There's just nothing to hold onto after he goes.
I don't know how to deal. I can't make peace.

I am just so hurt, and angry, and confused. Why?
Why when I want a family does that mean I have to watch everything I do and could ever love die? Die fast on me?

I should have 50 more years with him.
I should be able to have children.

I should be able to have a life, to live.


Why?