Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I am really doing my best not to just melt into utter panic and cry over our financial situation.

We were never in a good place to begin with; the small savings we did have was used up when Wash could not work in 09 and then in fall when I couldn't work for a while taking care of him.

I have not had income since the end of April.

He has monthly chemo. And constant medication and needs. And we still have bills to pay. Nothing outrageous. The basics. I even own my own 16 year old SUV. Not a new car or new anything.

It's just so hard to go so long without support. I don't get financial support. I don't get familial support. I don't get emotional support.
How am I supposed to give him a good life, a good end to his life?

Tell me, who among you would like to know that your last days will be spent in your home with no phone, internet, cable tv, new books or music? You have what you own and haven't sold yet a radio and your partner to keep you company.
We don't even do that to men on death row!

But my Wash has to die destitute because I am young, we are poor, he is disabled and dying and since we cannot have a child I won't even be able to get money from SocSec to pay for his funeral.

Is it not enough to be condemned to this life at his age?

I am so mad at life and the world.


  1. I am an avid lurker on Jezebel, and just wanted to let you know that my prayers are with you and that there is a space in my heart where you both reside. You're lucky to have each other, even if that's the only damn luck that exists. Bless you both, and know that you're in this random woman's thoughts.

  2. Sarah,
    I can't begin to describe how I feel about your life and this blog. I can try though. I feel sad that you have to go through this. I feel angry that our effed up gov't isn't doing what it's intended to do - to help those who need it. It's easy for someone on the outside to say, but I truly believe in a few things:
    1) God never gives you anything you can't handle. As much as you feel that there's no possible way you could take on any more or go on any longer, you always find the strength within to do it. I don't know if you believe in God, but I do. There have been too many instances in life that prove to me He exists. In any case, I believe God is always there to help you through these hard times with a hug and an "It's ok. I've got you." And with that help, you discover strengths you never knew you had. I can only remember what it was like to think "oh God, how much more do you think I can take?" And He said "Do you think you're doing this alone? Trust me."
    2) Life breaks us all down but some are stronger at the broken places. There's nothing you can do about the "shit happens" in life. You can only change how you react to them. Wash's case is one of those moments that are pure luck and that you cant' change. The only thing you can do is hang on to the wonderful things in life. I know it's better said than done, but it's worth a try. Try to look at what you have rather than what you don't have.

    I only pray that this too shall pass - that you'll find happiness again despite the difficult situation you're in. Know that you're in my thoughts/prayers.

  3. I am an outreach coordinator for a hospice program in WV and part of my job is letting caregivers know how much help they can receive when their loved ones are enrolled in a hospice program. Doctors, nurses, nursing assistants, social workers, psychological and spiritual counselors, and kind, wonderful volunteers form a support team that will offer assistance physically, mentally, and if you want, spiritually. Hospice can help so much sooner than people think, not only by helping patients control their pain and symptoms, but also by providing practical help to their caregivers. I want to encourage you to call your local hospice and just talk to them about what you and he are going through. Most people don't know that hospice helps dying people regardless of their ability to pay. There are three Hospice programs in the Tempe area - please don't be afraid to reach out for help. My best wishes for the both of you.

  4. So, the comments on Jez are all screwed up, but I needed to add something to that message I just sent you. I read your blog a bit after I e-mailed you, and I wanted to say I'm so sorry that you guys aren't able to have children. It's hideously unfair to desperately want kids and not be able to have them. Yes, they would make your financial situation more difficult, and watching them lose their father would be an extra dose of grief, but it's still not fair. And crappy. And enraging. I'm so sorry.

  5. I am so sorry to hear your story. Well, read I guess is more accurate.

    My best advice is to try and stay positive. My cousin who is a hemophiliac went through a similar situation. Something happened with her liver/gall bladder and she nearly died. (The hemophilia severely complicates any medical treatment and ups the cost tremendously.) Then she was disabled for awhile as she had to learn how to walk again. Her and her husband are not well off. Somehow, they were able to make it through and now are back on their feet again. Mind you they had no support either. (Family drama when I was child severed the ties, and now they are back in the fold.)

    I know the situation is not the same, but I just thought it might give you a bit of hope.

    Thank you also for stopping by my blog and being a follower. That is how I initially found your blog, and the reason I stopped by to say "hi". Especially, with everything going on in your life I'm extremely thankful you stopped by and showed your support.

  6. I follow you on Jezebel and I'm an occasional lurker on this blog. I'm so sorry to hear about what you and Wash are going through, you are both ridiculously brave for finding a way to make it through all of this. Is there a way to send some gently used books/cds/dvds to you both? I wouldn't want to impose upon your financial situation at all, but I have some books that I would be more than happy to share, and it sounds like you could use a bit of entertainment. Please let me know (I'm MayaTheBee on Jezebel) if I'd be able to send some your way.

  7. Would you be interested in setting up a donation account? I know that I am probably not the only Jezzie who would love to be able to contribute something to you.