Awesomesauce i get to have macho night with wash tonight! . . . Bringing in the cat sir boom boom

Starbuck: Good Morning Sir.
Admiral Adama: Good Morning Starbuck, What do you hear?
Starbuck: Nothin' but the rain..
Admiral Adama: Grab the gun and bring in the cat!
Starbuck: Boom boom boom...

And the Good

I don't think my day got better yesterday until I saw Wash in the pm.
BUT.... I was able to get to 6 things as opposed to only finding 3.

1. WASH IS DRIVING AGAIN!!!!! Dr's gave him the all clear and he felt comfortable yesterday doing it, and I think he's taking the car again today.

2. I slept a full 8 hours. Blessings.

3. We got our notification from SSI at last saying they now believe that Wash is disabled and dying so we should start to get regular funds in March! Huzzah!

4. Volunteering pays off. I put a call into my city councilman's office who I helped to campaign for and now the city is putting us on programs to get our utilities paid and half our rent each month too. Blessings.

5. I had a 10 minute long conversation with my mother yesterday that was PLEASANT. No fighting, she called, and just listened to me. Wonderful.

6. It's currently raining again. This isn't from yesterday but it still makes me happy.

7. Wash ate a whole half pizza by himself and slept through the whole night no nausea!!! That deserves a fracking happy dance.

I am going to go give a prayer of Thanks now. Because I can at least for now see the things to be happy to live for.

Bad days

My docs keep adjusting my meds, so I've been feeling more fucked up lately.
Yesterday was a very bad day.

There was nothing specific really to spark it per se, but I had the depression hit mid afternoon and it hit hard. I came home, Wash said something to me- most likely "hello" or something I don't even remember but it set me off to crying and bed.
I went and stayed there til almost ten pm. Not really sleeping, or always crying, just trying to not exist.

I have been feeling very confused and lost lately. I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't have a future- a career, a degree yet if ever, my old love now makes me sick (forensic anthropology) , we have no children and I lost the only one we could have had- aside from bringing home some money and driving him everywhere what am I here for?
I don't have an answer anymore. Wash wants me to talk to my therapist and psychologist about this.
When we married it became Our Life. When he got sick, We got cancer. But- the horrid thing is this will take him first- and I can't go. What's left for me here?

I passed out after 1:30. Woke every hour til 4-5ish, then finally got up so I wouldn't keep waking Wash up.
Aelphie slept with me yesterday / last night. She used to do that all the time as a kitten then over the last few years she seems to only do it when I really need comfort. The Egyptians and the very old religions would say that cats were guides sent from Anubis in the underworld to guide the souls safely down. I can get that.
There's something to me about her green eyes, soft fur, purr, and smell, that just hypnotizes me in a way to a calmer state. I remember more things when she is around, I remember me.

I prayed last night. Honestly prayed- one of the few times in my life so far.
Praying for strength today too.
I am so scared about the future. Pray for that too, Tash.

Burns

Well, there's still a second degree burn on my thumb but it's down to an area about the size of a dime, so I can use my hand again mostly.

Yays.

Got Wash a MedAlert tag yesterday. Should get it in the mail next week- I got a year of coverage. Basically if something happens to him and he can't talk or there is no one with him this has his medical info and a contact number that will reach me and his doctors to access his medical files.

I feel TONS better knowing soon he will have this.

This will also be a busy social week for me. *sigh* I'm scared. Lots of people.

Tuesday night is dinner with my cousin- and two other couples we don't know. Thursday is my brother coming over for dinner [unless he bails again]

Thursday lunch I meet up with one of Wash's friends to just talk.

Friday I have a psych eval and then that night we are doing dinner with another couple we met who live in our neighbourhood. They are games people too. 

It's a lot- for me. I'm also getting way way way exhausted from being the chauffer all the time. Wash is ok to drive again if he feels ok, but so far has not. Maybe he's scared? 

Still busy fighting government entities for money so neither of us, you know, die. 

My next issue to battle is my insomnia. It's getting worse. At least the night terrors have mostly gone away for now, but I'm not getting to sleep until after midnight or 1am now and I'm still waking up between 3-5 am almost every day. It sucks.

3 hours left in my busy day today.

I want to go home and play a game with my husband tonight. 

Sad thought of the day- what happens when his smell is finally washed off the last of our shared clothes? 

I also really actually prayed yesterday. I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

Learning

And come the end of the day, no matter how emotionally trying it was, I love my husband, he loves me and we were blessed to have one more day together. I am thankful.

stay in love

typing with one hand now- big power storm last night, lost power- thought the rain and wind might take us away!
i set up various candles in one room so we could at least play cards or something together and ended up giving myself a nasty 2nd degree burn on my thumb/palm.
the kind with nasty big blisters? yea, that bad.

this is going to make things interesting today for sure.

yesterday was the first day my medication seemed to be adjusted to me and worked "all day" with no crashes in energy or emotion.
i do it for him.


AND WE HAVE FOUR WHOLE WEEKS WITH NO CHEMO OR RADIATION!!! WH00T!!
Try and make the best of them.

Forest? Trees? Kettle? Pot?

There is so much to get out, to write, to say.
Can't do it all in one go.

Right now, I am most angry that the family and friends we need MOST right now - they are all fighting with me, or him and me or infighting right now.
Why? Because they all know the best care for Wash.

.... except for something.
No one has asked my husband what he wants. How he wants the rest of his life to go. Where he wants to live. With whom. Doing or not doing as he pleases.
Wait, they did ask once. And then promptly ignored his answer and tried to impose their own will over him.

Funny.... the way I see it Wash's opinion is the only one that matters. He is the terminal cancer patient- not the other way around.

When I married my husband I swore to love, honour, and respect him. Even if I don't like how he wants to spend his last days, it is his fucking decision not up to anyone else.
And his medical care? How many times he goes through treatment?
Well that's up to him too.

Wash is still a person- a living human being who deserves to have his voice listened to and his wishes respected.
Goddamn. I wish some people in their 30s/50s/60s would do well to grow the fuck up.

This is beyond wrong.

Shit on the Fan

So learned today we are no longer receiving financial support for us to live. It is the 19th of the month and I have no idea how rent will be paid.

Social Security and Disability won't start til March if then.

I have no idea what to do.

Someone help me. Please. I am 23 taking care of my disabled 25 year old husband with terminal cancer.

What am I supposed to do here?

So they fraked up and yet again on one to see me for two weeks wow it seems i can only get help if kevin was already dead or i was on my way there godsdamn