I think I've slept about 6 hours in the last - however many days it has been since Wed or Thurs last week.
I hear things. Doors and cupboards closing. It's not in my house, and I can't tell with certainty if it is coming from the neighbour's place.
Leto has been trying to be helpful. I wish I could sleep easy like him.
I wish my brain would stop showing me the worst moments of my life, when I want and need to rest.
I am tired of constantly re-living the trauma. But I can't make it stop.
Everything is wrong.
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Oh sweetie. If you're not getting help, you need to, now. And if you're getting help, you need to get more of it.
ReplyDeleteAnd "help" doesn't necessarily mean professional help. It means letting the people in your life know that you need their support even more. It means setting up a schedule for people to call or drop by and get you out of your own head. It means asking for help in a way that probably makes you seriously uncomfortable, but it something that needs to happen now. You are isolating yourself, and that's not a good idea.
I promise you, you will be surprised by how many people are just not sure how to reach out to you, so they're doing nothing for fear of making things worse for you. And that's not fair, that you have to make the first move, but that's how these things work, unfortunately.
And making the first move doesn't mean having long involved heart-to-hearts if you don't want to. It just means letting people know what they can do. It can mean "I am not doing so well right now, and I would really like you to call once a week (or drop by, if they're in the area) and pull me out of my head." Give people specific jobs, and spread them out among a few people, and you won't feel like you're a burden on any one person. (Because I suspect that's part of what's preventing you from asking for help.)
If your friends and family are far away, ask them to call you once a week, or Skype, or send an e-mail. And if you can tie those things to a specific schedule, that will help you order your days and weeks. If you know you're getting a call every Monday, that makes Mondays different from every other day, and it gives you something to look forward to.
And if this seems like too much, go ahead and deputize something else to do arrange this for you. It's okay to tell someone, "I can't do this myself, and I need help, and I need YOU to help me set it up."
Trust me, people are out there. It's not fair that you have to make the first move, but as you know so well, life is really not gorram fair.
Do you have access to safe and healthy treatment? Even, if nothing else, a medication to help you to sleep? Benadryl/Sominex comes to mind as an over the counter that is often safe with other medications (but may not be in your individual case). And of course, there are the prescription medications. .
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for what you're feeling and going through. There are times when I wish I'd not been there when Mama MB took her last breath because of the monster cancer. I wish at times I'd missed that. But then again I wonder ... What would I feel like then? Regret?
ReplyDeleteHow can I help you, Tashi ? May I email once a week and send you a picture of something different from what you may be seeing in your head? You don't know me but I met Grief five years ago when my sister was struck by a pulmonary embolism and gone in 15 mins at 49 y ears old. I haven't been the same since and will never find my old normal again. I may be able to help a bit-let me know...
ReplyDeleteTashi - like Lynda suggested - I could also do something... send you an email, a photograph, something small, once a week, so that you at least have something to help you count the days.
ReplyDelete