Sunday, April 14, 2013


I'm writing this more for me than anyone else.

I don't know how to cope with my feelings and grief on a few issues bothering me right now.
I've decided to avoid weddings for the time being, which helps in a small way.

It just hurts to see the people I am friends with, the ones in my social circles, the ones I've grown up with .... grow up.
Buying houses.
Graduating. Finding a career. Or even a paying job.

The worst right now though, is the fertility.

The babies. The bumps, or pregnant friends.
The ones now "trying". The ones who have been "trying" for 2-6 months and complain.
The mothers who reassure. The message and chat boards I am afraid to even look in; because they are all filled or for people who want children.
Who want to be pregnant- and have more than the 0% chance I have.

I don't know how to deal. I don't know how to be happy for person after person after person going for and getting what I wanted.
What I tried for. What I almost had. What we almost had. What could have been.

The names written down by Wash, that I still have. The ones he wanted circled.
The sketches for the nursery that never was, never will be.

I don't know how to mourn him, and mourn the loss of the family we wanted, we tried for, we almost had, we could have had.

I don't know how to grieve when others are so happy and celebrating all around me.

I don't know how to be a widow, 26, and childless- not childfree.

Timing is never ideal. It would not have been. It might never have been.
But I wanted it.

Every image of society tells me there is something deeply wrong for it. And I did want it. I wanted it with him. I wanted to look at what we could have created. Seen some part of my love, even if merely chromosomes, live on.

I love my friends who don't want kids. That's absolutely their choice. I'll support that.
I love my friends who do want/have kids. That is absolutely their choice. I'll support that.

But when it's wanted, and lost, and then lost forever... it's a pain worse than a hole in my heart. More than a septal valve defect, it is a physical pain, a pain of the mind, body, and heart.

I just don't know how to deal.

I feel like I lost my family-with my husband, my larger family, his family almost wholly, and the future family I should have had with Wash.

I don't know how to cope with this pain.

I only feel better that I can at least put this somewhere besides my own mind.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. You are not alone in all your feelings, in your avoidance of weddings, in your avoidance of those expecting or hoping to expect. You are not alone in feeling depressed about that family you will never. I feel the same, knowing I'll never have a family with the man I love too yet my grief doesn't compare to yours.

    You have sisters, dear Tashi, those who are childless not by choice and those who are childless by choice. Many of us feel those pangs regardless of the reasons why we don't have children.

    the only word of advice I can offer is to confide in those you trust and can share with this. If that's a close friend, so be it; If it's someone on the internet.. so be it. Whomever.. when I was grieving most intensely, it was a bunch of college and high school boys on a makeshift Brony-themed Minecraft server that were my outlet.

    You can find support anywhere.. Lots of love to you, Tashi.