I'm writing this more for me than anyone else.
I don't know how to cope with my feelings and grief on a few issues bothering me right now.
I've decided to avoid weddings for the time being, which helps in a small way.
It just hurts to see the people I am friends with, the ones in my social circles, the ones I've grown up with .... grow up.
Graduating. Finding a career. Or even a paying job.
The worst right now though, is the fertility.
The babies. The bumps, or pregnant friends.
The ones now "trying". The ones who have been "trying" for 2-6 months and complain.
The mothers who reassure. The message and chat boards I am afraid to even look in; because they are all filled or for people who want children.
Who want to be pregnant- and have more than the 0% chance I have.
I don't know how to deal. I don't know how to be happy for person after person after person going for and getting what I wanted.
What I tried for. What I almost had. What we almost had. What could have been.
The names written down by Wash, that I still have. The ones he wanted circled.
The sketches for the nursery that never was, never will be.
I don't know how to mourn him, and mourn the loss of the family we wanted, we tried for, we almost had, we could have had.
I don't know how to grieve when others are so happy and celebrating all around me.
I don't know how to be a widow, 26, and childless- not childfree.
Timing is never ideal. It would not have been. It might never have been.
But I wanted it.
Every image of society tells me there is something deeply wrong for it. And I did want it. I wanted it with him. I wanted to look at what we could have created. Seen some part of my love, even if merely chromosomes, live on.
I love my friends who don't want kids. That's absolutely their choice. I'll support that.
I love my friends who do want/have kids. That is absolutely their choice. I'll support that.
But when it's wanted, and lost, and then lost forever... it's a pain worse than a hole in my heart. More than a septal valve defect, it is a physical pain, a pain of the mind, body, and heart.
I just don't know how to deal.
I feel like I lost my family-with my husband, my larger family, his family almost wholly, and the future family I should have had with Wash.
I don't know how to cope with this pain.
I only feel better that I can at least put this somewhere besides my own mind.