Monday, April 22, 2013


This will be short for now. Thinking and focusing my eyes kind of hurts.

I have not been sleeping well. I've been able to get some 1 or 2 hour naps in, but I'm not sleeping at night anymore. I also have to keep more distractions around me before I can sleep now too.
Too many bad thoughts. Memories. Flashbacks.
I see the clock hit 1am, 3:14am, 5am, 7am onward.

I can't find a good spot to sleep in anymore. His pillows barely smell like him.

Cuddling Hoban or even a squirmy Leto helps some, but not the way I want or need.

There are moments of utter fright now. Terror for myself. It's been years since I last felt that.
Noises at night. Murder on the local news.

I've felt very numb. In the last few days. Except, when I try to sleep.
Not neutral, numb.

The numbness makes it easier to pass off as "normal" around other people though.
Wash used to hate that. Me going numb.  (sotto voce) but he's dead now...

My heart feels nothing, but my head hurts- aches.

I had an unsettling conversation in my head with GaiusWash about math.
I miss having someone to talk to.
I miss holding hands.

My head aches.

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