Sighs

I really really dislike having to tell DES (again) that Wash is (still) dead.
Nope, has not come back. No awesome miracles like that!

I cannot understand why if I tell them I am widowed, and sent them copies of the Death Certificate about 2 weeks after he passed, they still have to ask me and verify he's dead.

WHO IN ARIZONA HAS DIED, GOTTEN A DEATH CERTIFICATE  AND THEN COME BACK TO LIFE TO APPLY FOR  MEDICAL BENEFITS?

I'm assuming this had to have happened to someone because I just cannot imagine why the state would like to traumatize people who have lost their spouse/child/dependent.


What annoys me even more is spending a crap-ton of phone minutes I can't really afford to talk to someone at DES and for 3 straight days get nothing but a busy signal. I call about every 10 minutes to check. From 8am-5pm.


So much to do, so overwhelmed, and so distracted.

I would also note to them that the asthma I have had for 16 or 17 years now has also not "cured" itself. That would be the "chronic" part of "chronic asthma".



Too much going on. I'm riled up.


I'm scared and nervous to leave, and at the same time, I cannot wait to be gone- even for just a 6 week term- from Arizona.

Speaking of, briefly, I'm about halfway to my needed goal to cover costs for Israel! My scholarships are helping out with some things, but I'm still doing the majority of this upfront out-of-pocket. But, I want this, and I know I'll be in a different place when I am done there for the summer. I don't know if it will be a "good" or "bad" different, but I know that I will change. I need some change. I need some personal growth time, some time not defined as "wife" "caregiver" "widow", but as "Tashi". Time to look at my future and maybe see something there for me.
The future hurts. Every day hurts. Every minute and second. It hurts to live without him. It hurts to know he is gone. It hurts to try, to have to remember who my love was; instead of knowing because he lives.
My thoughts, my hopes are that in a new place, around new people, a place defined by my own self- not "us"- thinking and looking at my future won't hurt as much.
It will always hurt. I know this. I knew it before.

But maybe, maybe, it will start to hurt less.

The largest appreciation

Last day the fundly donation site is open. 
I still have so many medical bills from Kevin, and so many more of my own from my broken bones last year and my own health issues. 
If you can donate anything, it helps. 
If you can share the link and our story, it helps. 
If you can give prayers or good thoughts, it helps.

I'll be filing for bankruptcy due to medical bills this year. Again, anything my caring friends, family, or those touched by the story of AZ driving a young widow into utter poverty can do; it all helps. 

Thank you all so much. 
I was Wash's (Kevin's) caregiver for more than 3 years.
Now the people who care and love me are helping to give care to me, so I can continue on with my life. 

My husband did not survive against brain cancer; but with the love, help, social, emotional, religious, and other support from my circle I can survive this next part of my life as a Widow.

ECCC episode IV: A New Hope

There is too much for one, or even two posts from the last week. I will have to do a poor job of just summing it in brief.

I was happy. I was happy this past week, in a way I had not been since 4 years ago when Wash and I took our little trip to Vegas and got married.
Those few days of, and the two days of 'Honeymoon' we had after were my happy moments. The happiness in his face, our joy, and our utter faith and confidence that we (might have some bad and good moments) would be together from that point on, for decades, until we both died in our advanced ages- hopefully together.

That is really the only thing I could ever be mad at him for; he broke that promise. He promised, he swore to me he would let me die first.
I cannot be mad though, as he did not ask for it. He did not ask for cancer, and he did not ask for an early death. He did not ask to die before he ever saw 30 years go by.


So, it was a difference. 4 years without really having a smile, sustained joy. Excitement.

Meeting new friends was more wonderful than I think I'd felt it at any other time in my life. It is like an emotional puzzle with other people as pieces, all coming together to create a feeling of 'completion'.

Seeing some "old" friends was a true joy as well. I had a chance to bond and become much closer to someone Wash was quite fond of, and cared for. Well, he did that with all his friends, true, but I recall him saying many times over how much we all had in common- he expected us to be the type of people to remain close and good friends for our adult lives.
Having had a longer chance to meet and talk with her, his lovely Brother, I have to agree.
It was a feeling so lovely, so happy, so light!, to be able to talk to someone else who knew my Wash BEFORE the cancer. Who knew him as the person/man I had fallen in love with. It was easier to remember the happy times we had BC and to share them, and mostly to laugh.

It was good for me to see his friends and the other people he adored/loved who carry on his passions. Who love certain parts of architecture as he did.

Perhaps that is one reason why ECCC was so comfortable for me; instead of utterly terrifying.
It was a giant center filled with people very much like myself, and even more like my Wash. There was familiarity there. A sense of remembrance; not having ever been to Emerald City ComicCon, the exact layout was not familiar; but the people, the CosPlay, the games, the booths... all images that I recognized.

I went down at one point to the lowest low convention room/basement/lower basement.
Also known as the "Gaming Rooms".
..........
[Insert Table/Card/Dice/LAN gamers growling at yet again, being stereotyped even within the 'geek' Subculture, and thrown in the 'basement']

One person I spoke to suggested, perhaps only partially joking, that the elevator button just have a sticker with "Dungeon" put over the Lower Level/Basement button.

However, I wanted to see if I could find anyone who way playing Warhammer [40K or Fantasy] or a table-top game, since I play a bit myself. Mentally, it felt like Wash would also kick my ass or haunt me if I was at Con and did not check things out.
I am glad I did.
I met a exhibitor there who introduced me to a new Table-top game [Fanticide] which my friends ended up buying for me.

It is a pretty cool game to begin with; but more so, it is compatible with other TT sets. You can buy specific models for the game, of course, but you can also use anything else you already have/own.
For me, this is really the best I can ask for.

I can have a (new) game to play with some of *my* W40K sets and minis that I kept, and the local Games Depot took Wash's old stuff to be donated to their game room, for all others to play with. [Outside of what he Willed for his friends to keep]. I can go down, play on the terrain that Wash and I made, but not the *same* game that we played. It will not have those same memories, which are mostly keeping me from doing any W40K playing myself. It is too hard, when all I can think of is him as a missing partner.
With a new game however, I am excited to learn the new things, to build on the knowledge that Wash gave me by teaching me these kinds of games [slightly different than the D&D stuff I did a LONG time ago].
I'm excited about playing this new game.

I know that Wash would have been pleased beyond words at that.
I'm pleased with myself for feeling I'm doing this more for myself than just for his memory.

Highlights I will address in future posts; meeting specific people/celebrities, panels, Con commentary.


*****************************************************************

I am back home now.
My cats have calmed down, some. Aelphie does not wish to let me out of her sight (like she did as a wee kitten) and if she has the chance, will crawl into my lap.
She is not a lap-cat, either.

Leto has been chirping a lot more, and running around- pretty much acting like a kitten. At 3 years old for a male Maine Coon, technically, he still is a kitten. I am pretty certain he just missed having someone around- all.the.time.
That has been his only life really; as a companion. To Wash, every day for more than the first two years of that cat's life, he was with Wash. Then, me.
I think if Aelphie would tolerate it, he would play with her. She does not, alas.



This has been a very changing week for me. Though I have had a lot of fears, I have learned that I can get through them. Not all the time, or even with 100% consistency, but I can. More so, I tried. I put myself out, I lived as Tashi; and I let myself experience life as Wash would have (wanted).


The past week opened me up to trying again. To See.

There are times still to just be Going Through The Motions, and now I also feel ready to try living again.
That spark in me of love, and life is gone. I know that. He is never coming back. I will never feel that same lifebeat with anyone else.
But I still remain.

My heart still beats.
I still breathe, even when it is hard or I've forgotten how.
My blood still flows, my mind and body; still connected to each other and the world.


Brain Cancer- Glioblastoma Multiforme took my husband, my love, my life, my Wash, our future.
It took from me too, so much I perhaps cannot even list it all.

But I still remain.

I cognate.
I see.

I remain. 

There must be some way out of here

I think it has been long enough that I'm not spoiling this for anyone, but on the chance you have NOT seen season 4.0 or 4.5 of Battlestar Galactica and you even think you might want to; stop reading now.


I'll be at Emerald City ComicCon this weekend.
I'll be visiting with some very wonderful friends, some people who are supportive, caring, and people who love me and wanted to see me happy, do something nice for me.

This will be my first trip alone since I married.
This will be my first trip alone since I was widowed.

This will be my first 'Con alone, or without Wash.

I'm still planning probably on Friday going as Yves from TLG. Sunday, I'll be hunting Walkers in the convention hall.
But for Saturday (maybe Fri as well) I'll be going as Kara "Starbuck" Thrace.
Late series Kara.
Married Kara. Harder Kara.


When we were still hopeful about having a child, 'Thrace' was a middle name we both adored.
Our various electronics are named after Cylon models; we have Boomer, Athena, Anders, Leoben, and Tigh.
Wash saw the ending before I did. I was not caught up yet, and he wanted to see it when it was broadcast.
I remember him sobbing. I did too.

For different reasons now.

Kara had Anders.
I had Wash.
Kara watched as his brain went out, as it ceased to be 'human', more Cylon then.
I watched as the bits of humanity were slowly taken from Wash, his memories. His life.
We had the same kind of "goodbye", though on different circumstances.

I could not go to 'Con as Zoe Washburne. That still, is much too close.
Too many memories for me of hearing a wry laugh, "You nicknamed me in 2008. Did you know back then?"
Hearing my Wash play A.T. and keep asking me, "Tashi, why does my script for Serenity end on page 88, and yours goes to 130? Guys? ....?"

No, too much.

But Kara? I can be Kara. I can be strong like her.

*********************************************************************

Some day, I will attend a 'Con (or two) where I can meet Jane Espenson, Joss Whedon, "The Grand Moff" [as Wash would call him] and Ron Moore and get down on my knees and thank them.
I can thank them for creating something so wonderful it not only brought me to meet my husband, my soul mate, but gave him comfort in the last years of his life, dying of brain cancer.
When my husband could not remember what day of the week it was, he could still recite lines from BSG and Firefly.
When he could no longer run, I helped him to walk. When he could not walk, our friends rallied to help him crawl. When he could not even crawl, it was the worlds of Science Fiction; his favourite shows and characters that carried him home.
From "Firefly", he knew I could still fly true after he was gone.
From "BtVS", he knew we could both fight; hard, strong, and with heart.
From "BSG", he knew I would be there by his side. Imprinted on each other.
From "Doctor Who", he knew it was ok to let go, to leave, and to begin his next adventure after 'life'.
To explore.
To regenerate, but not as my Wash.

He loved the Cosmos, and the infinite possibilities that it contains.
And he loved the way that Science-Fiction brought together all those wonderful ideas, possibilities, worlds, characters, music, colours, shapes, creatures and beings.
That gave his life meaning.

So, I'll be looking out to thank people.
Perhaps, if you, Dear Reader, have the opportunity to meet one of these great creators before I do, you will also say thanks on behalf of my Wash.



'Never give up, never surrender!" - See you at 'Con!

One Day

Thank you to everyone who was able to make it out yesterday to remember the *life* and the love of Kevin.

Thank you to everyone who could not be there, but held him in your own light. 

Thank you for helping me remember his spirit, not his cancer. 

Thank you.

Thank you as well to my friends for helping me to not be alone to kindle the first light of Hannukah last night. This is the photo I have of Wash's last Hannukah in 2011. He always loved that holiday. 

Spoilers, Sweetie

Kevin Pratt-King came home today; for the last time.

As per his wishes he will have a part of himself shot off in rockets(details to come); the rest he wished to travel in his custom made TARDIS urn.

Only Kevin "Wash" knows how much bigger it is on the inside, or how big the pool in the library is, but he is where he wanted, and hopefully starting amazing new adventures.

Thank you to everyone who has shared his story.
Thank you to everyone for your amazing show of support for his family.
Thank you to his fellow Browncoats for carrying him, and thank you to his Whovian brethren and fellow geeks (and CF4L) to help make sure his final wishes would be carried out.

His energy was only in this form for 28 short years, but his love touched the world.

I'm not sure what his next regeneration would look like (he'd hope for Ginger too) but I know he'd tell me, "Shh, Spoilers."

You are now a Leaf on the Wind Wash; we will watch how you soar.

Wash...He did Abide

Lovely little eulogy prepared by a friend (Chalupa BR)

You...You were Fantastic!

"Death cannot stop True Love; it can only delay it for a while."

"I love you, Wash."

"As you Wish, Tashi."

Thank you all for your kind words.

Wash was a Saganist and a Doctor Who lover.

He knew he came from stardust and atoms, and he knew he was going back to that.

His energy is not gone, or destroyed. Just... wibbly wobbly a bit away from MY linear time.

Wash is the only person I know who made it almost 3 decades of life... with not a bad thought or word to be said about him. He was beyond special. Beyond unique.

He was more than my 1 in 6,000,000,000.

He resonated in my soul. He kept my heart beating.

And I know he would think it is no greater honor than to introduce all of you to the wonders of the Whoverse and Science Fiction.

His fraternity brother made the comment, "He was a geek evangelist!" ... he was.

He wanted everyone to love his shows and movies with the same passion he had.

Right now, every time I see a TARDIS... I tell him I love him.

Somewhere in Time and Space, he is out there now.

Sharing the Happy Moments

So much of the last few days has been filled with stress, unhappiness, and sadness.

That got to change today.

Epinephrine

So, one of the downsides of Wash's brain cancer is that every once in a while he hallucinates. Sometimes it is visual, sometimes auditory.

This means that often Wash will ask me to verify if he is hearing/seeing something correct. This also means he will wake me up randomly in the night to ask if I heard the "sound" he did. That's a bucket of fun.

But, sometimes he's not hallucinating.

So, for a day he heard buzzing in our kitchen. I said it was probably one of many things we have plugged in and the motor is making a sound. I was wrong! The next day we both saw 3-4 flying things in the light fixture in the kitchen. Since I will die if stung, I freaked the fuck out and ran outside. We called for backup and Andy* came by and he and Wash fought a brave battle that rages between 4 creatures 1" long with wings, and two fully grown human men with a can of RAID that shot a 20' spray.

The Men came out Victorious.

And I promptly called my doctor for an Epi-Pen refill and my landlord to get some Pest Control workers out here.

So, they came today, sadly with little warning. Which led to my last minute harried-ness this morning. We had help on Thursday and Wash actually told his aide NOT TO HELP HIM. So, the place was left a frakkin' mess. I am not upset at the aide, she was listening and caring for Wash, he just kept insisting her to leave things for "him" to clean "later". [I was having a long talk with the Social Worker out of the house at the time] So, Friday my house was a mess, and I was so busy and tired I couldn't do everything. And Wash was just happy because he was seeing a friend, and going to the Avengers movie, and getting to eat dinner out on top! So much fun stuff! For Wash, he cannot do more than one task at a time, and he forgets things. So, all his stuff he was going to pick up and clean, he did not.

Since I knew the kitchen had to be cleaned/cleared out for the pest guys to check, I ended up waking after less than 3 hours of sleep yet again this week (no naps for me, either!) to clean all the things Wash said he would have taken care of.

I know he needs to say these things to make himself feel useful, to feel needed, but all it does is add stress to me. Every time he puts something off- which is 99.999999% of the time, he never comes back to it. That's how his brain works. But, if I just do it for him, or if I do it after he says "I'll do it later" he turns his anger to me- "What, you don't trust me? You know it's your fault, really, you tell me I'm not allowed to do things when I want to!"

So, I just could not handle all the chores and work to do today, watching him and dealing with any help or issues or anger at me, dealing with the pest guys, and no sleep. It's all too too much.

I called my mum. Thankfully, she and my (step)dad agreed to watch him for a while today, let me work and rest a bit.

Wash was not really happy about this. He was confused, and angry and so mad that I "would not tell him where I was leaving him!". I had already told him calmly twice that he was going to stay with my mum today so I could work. He just literally could not remember even as I told him. So, he was pretty confused and angry when he left. He seems to think often that when he goes out for a day with someone else, I'm "leaving" him, "abandoning" him or the like. He just cannot grasp otherwise.

That's painful to see and deal with.

I did at least catch his mother up on things, so his parents really know. I just was not able to lie, to hold back, to be kind about it. He's not doing well. Things have changed, they are getting worse, and they very very likely will never get better again. So.

I cried a LOT this week.

Back to the pests, though! That was my histoire du jour.

Cleaned for 3 hours, and got Wash safely to my mums. He even got treats and snacks to go along with his sketchbook and ses 3 of "Fringe" to watch.

The pest guys came over, poked around a bit, checked outside, looked at my place and my 2 neighbours West of our unit, and came to a verdict of not Wasp, not African Honeybee (several colonies found locally in the last couple weeks) but Carpenter Bees.

So, our downstairs was treated, the outside, a crack in the wall between units filled, and the wooden fencing in my backyard treated too. Same for the neighbours.

Now it's noon, been awake for 5 ish hours, and have a few clear hours without Wash to try and rest this afternoon.

I think my biggest challenge will be to actually rest right now, today, and not use the next 4-6 hours to just clean without a Wash following behind me, or messing right up the things I just cleaned.

Thank you all, Dear Readers for your comments, support, and good wishes. I know, even though it's painful to face the truth, I'm coming into the final stretches with Wash.

I'm just going to do my best for him, and my best to be vocal about my own needs right now.

Unworthy

Wash's TARDIS custom urn arrived.

It's everything he dreamed of.

The smallest way we can say thank you;

But which one sings?

It's been a busy few days for sure! Monday was one of the best days I've/We've had in weeks. Wash was VERY present. He was himself, he was nice and sweet and even though physically he was not up for much, I got a good cuddle in with him, some nice hand holding and really, just some good moments with my husband.

Then, most of him left again. He tried very hard this week to compensate, as his parents were in town for a couple days, but he was looking for brain and energy that did not exist. He needed some long naps, a lot more Xanax this week, and more patience than I had.

Caring for my 27 year old physically, but mentally .... not, husband is a lot like a grown human's body, the endurance of a newborn, emotions of a 4-6 year old, and the memory of a 20 some odd year old. It's a lot.

He gets mad at me when I have to explain something a few times, or phrase it differently so he understands. He is cogent enough to know he doesn't understand, but not enough to really grasp what he knows he has issues with.

I think it was hard for his parents to come and really SEE him this time. I'm glad they did, he is too, and happy he was able to be honest for the most part with them. I'm personally sad, I am not sure if he will have the relationship with his brother he wants, but on that; Wash's bro wants a (probably, I'm not Wash, so I can't say for certain) well deserved apology, but Wash is NEVER going to be able to do that. He doesn't remember they fought, let alone what over! Any apology is truly meaningless. But, I don't know if Wash realizes either that his brother has to work through things as well and "just because" he *is* dying, it does not mean that everyone he wants is going to be placing Wash as their top priority. As sad on either part as it might be.

But, Wash was able to say some things, his parents were as well, and my personal hope is that all parties have begun to move forward again towards acceptance.

All the rest is just drama that pisses me off, and I've had far too much of that this week.

Thank you to the several awesome folks who have sent us Girl Scout Cookies. Wash's steroids have been up for a few weeks now and he is MOST appreciative. I have a nice Thin Mint stockpile which should last me through the summer and winter. Since we're in AZ a wonderful treat I've loved for decades is freezing Thin Mints and having them out on the porch on hot summer nights when the sun goes down.

I've been hard working in my garden to make sure that option will be a nice one for Wash this year. My fruits and veg are doing great, with the exception of the melon which is not taking. Boo. However, lots of bean and peas, lots of carrots, tomatoes, my strawberries just starting to come in, so we have a few ripe once a week or so. I've got all my solar lights up, and at night the flowers look great and it usually smells like basil and wet rosemary now. My gardenia has also finally gotten over transplant shock from Dec and the first bloom opened this morning! I love the fresh smell, bringing the blooms inside.

Wash has lately begun to spend the mornings outside with me and while I water, weed, and garden he usually takes Leto out to play with grass and he has begun to "read" the daily newspaper. He asked me last week to start getting the paper; it's too hard for him to try and keep up online with the news now, too many distractions. So he kinda skims the paper daily, and if he seems something he wants to read or know more details about he asks me. I have noticed we do have some more things to talk about, but there is so much bad shit going on, Wash tends to get angry like me at certain news.

I try to check the news the night before so I know if I have to censor it. He's asked me to remove traces of a few things; some certain architecture things, anything to do with Taliesin/West, and Earthquake reports by his hometown in CA. Not a large list, but we've learned from hard lessons those things will trigger the shit out of him, and he gets very depressed or worse. It's a little more work for me, but it makes him happier.

Mornings have turned for us as well, he needs to go VERY slow, and usually needs some other help to tide him over for the hour or so he is awake before his pills kick in. I have to have extra patience during this time. He's not fully awake, aware, conscious. But, he tries to be. There's a lot more work for me every morning. I want to try though. I have to try.

His Hospice check-outs were pretty good this week. He is having some medication side effects now, he does have the standard "Chipmunk" steroid face. A few people had mentioned to me he was looking swollen, but I thought it was just his winter beard left over (see pic from Sunday). However, he shaved down Mon and Wed and as the photo above shows, it's not beard, he just has more swelling. He is slow GI wise, but still normal, though he is physically changing; his legs are getting skinnier and his muscle is wasting a bit. His belly and chest are getting more barrel shaped though; meds and just the inevitable path of cancer. He's still not eating like he was last year, but he is eating a little bit more on a daily basis. It's hard for him. He forgets he is hungry easily, and he won't eat unless he is being helped and reminded. He can feed himself, but he won't remember to eat on his own. That's hard to watch.

I will put this out; if anyone wants to contact me to help me get him a properly fitting UtiliKilt I would be beyond grateful. He loved his UtiliKilt from the day he got it, the day he was married in it, even some of his early chemo sessions he went in it. But, starting around last summer, he lost too much weight and could not wear it, then gained it back/ had it go to his belly. His old one does not fit anymore. It's what he wants to wear when he has a Living Wake. Should I try and see if the company can alter it for him? Get a new one at this point? Any advice or help I would love.

Also, in the photos above you may notice a new kitty; the kind, awesome, cool, inspiring, (positive adjective) folks at www.thinkgeek.com sent Wash a singing "Soft Kitty". We (ok, me.) named her Zazzles. We are in agreement she's a girl. Wash calls her his "Soft Kitty" though. Leto is just in LOVE. He keeps snuggling up to her where ever we place her on the bed. She's about Aelphie-sized, but unlike big sis Aelphie, Zazzles just sings. Does not hiss or try to fight Leto. He even fell asleep on her last night.

We're both pretty darn happy, and I am very thankful for the kindness; I smile when I see him cuddling his new plush and happy. So again, thank you.

I know there's more to catch up and talk about, but Wash needs me to cut a bagel for him.

Thank you, Dear Readers. Always.

Fluffy Days

So much to do today, I don't have much time for an update.

Someone from the long-term care side of Wash's main insurance; AHCCCS is coming over today for another medical evaluation. Sadly our social worker can't come til tomorrow to explain things, but I am just going to write down every question that I have today with the new 'case manager'. I got some paperwork from ALTCS a day ago (finally!) but it is 9 pages of financial reports that I just do not comprehend. I cannot tell if we were approved or denied again! At least they were correct with our reported income; $26.00 in the bank. Hopefully the Social Worker will shed some light on the papers tomorrow.

Wash had an interesting day yesterday; He woke up very confused, was not certain really what day it was or the things he needed to do, even after looking at the schedule on the board I put up for him. He was just getting so mixed up and a little scared. I called our Hospice nurse, who spoke to him for a few minutes. Since he was not aggravated with his confusion this time, she asked us to check in again in a few hours, see how he was then. He was not angry at all, just a sad and confused.

My mum came over in the afternoon to help us on a couple errands, and Wash was feeling a bit better when we went out at first, but he was tired and dropping by the time we were done with the first thing. Poor guy. I had him sit down in a chair but he was still just so tired. I think I should have just put him in his wheelchair yesterday for going out.

We took him home and put him to bed while I went out to finish my errands as he slept.

He had a 2 hour plus nap and was a bit more lively when he woke, and a lot less confused at that point. I called the Hospice Nurse back, she spoke to Wash again and seemed to agree that resting did a good job of helping to "clear" his brain.

It was a busy day on top of taking care of him.

I'm doing my best to catch up on emails and such, I ask a little patience.

So, we have the entire afternoon blocked off for Wash's medical stuff and then recovery time for him, and then it's the last Shepard's Pie Tuesday for the "winter" so I am looking personally to my [step]dad's cooking tonight. He makes some wonderful vegetarian meals for me, and I love so much that he does it with love for me.

AND THEN comes Wednesday and my happiest hopeful moment of the week; my older brother is coming in from Japan! He's only in town for one night, as he was hired to fly some folks in for a Spring Training game and fly out tomorrow, but I am so excited to see my brother! He's about 12 years older than me, so we are not *super* close, but he is my older brother, and I love him like I love every one of my siblings. {Step or bio}

I want to also take even a minute and just write out a thank you to every single one of you. Everyone that has stopped by and read my words, or heard Wash's wish, or spread our story, or felt moved to help in some way, thank you. It is every single one of you who gives me Hope for us as humans, who give me Hope that we as humans can in fact come together.

I will be hoping for a good day for us, a good day for Wash, and I honestly hope that every one of you, Dear Readers has something good in your day too.

I hope you know that you are loved, and thanked, and appreciated just as much as Wash and I feel today from all of you.

As befits a TimeLord

I suppose I should be more shocked at the response we've gotten in the last few days. Geeks and lovers of specific shows bond hard it seems.

I'll get to some questions in a moment.

Wash has been holding steady the past few days. Physically he has been a bit more run down for some reason, we were not even going out on a walk to the mailbox together, he's just been physically tired lately. I did get him and Leto outside to watch me garden the other day, but he was too tired to even read out loud then, just watch and look at the green oasis I have made in the back.

I did later last night get him out for a small walk around the block. His first real physical activity in about 3 days. He crashed out before midnight and is still in bed now, trying to disappear under the covers.

Mentally he has been fairly present and even this week, though again, I've noticed him not reading words as much- he's switched over from some short novels to a comic series now. I notice these things, but I'm not really sure how aware he is of them. This is the unpredictable portion of the predictable cycle of brain cancer.

And speaking of, to every single one of you who has read our story, shared our story, or donated in some way; thank you. I literally could not give him the highest quality of life *I* can without all of you.

As to the TARDIS; we actually DO have a TARDIS cookie jar! I got one for Wash for giftmas back in Dec of 2010. We tend to keep Jammie Dodgers in it and it frequently is moved about downstairs. Wash does not want the plastic, or the memories we have of the cookie jar fucking me up after he's gone.

We have received about a dozen offers so far from folks willing to do a ceramic urn for Wash; he is trying to look through portfolios and decide which idea he likes the best. It is his decision, and I will do my best to thank every offer we have received personally- a small thank you for all the wonderful woodworkers who have reached out as well.

We are in touch with April from Regretsy to choose the final urn, and Wash again thanks every single artist who has offered to help give him his wish of a resting place.

It can be overwhelming sometimes to be this young and thrown into a situation like this, and I would not have made it this far and long were it not for the oftentimes unconventional support.

Wash and I are Browncoats too, and I think he has really seen just how many people he has around to carry him when he can't even crawl.

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Wash also says if anyone wants to or can get in touch with The Grand Moff [Stephen Moffat] or Nathan Fillion he would be happy to get some kind of dying-geek shout-out from his idols.

[Thank you to R. for the most excellent photoshop on the pic. I frakkin' LOVE it. Someone tell Wil Wheaton we're saving Wash now, not Ferris]

3.14159

My husband,

I love you.

Happy 3 years of living our vows, every day.

We've gone through the shit, and we have had a few glorious moments which I can hope I will never forget.

We have had our days and even short weeks of triumph and an even more precious bond.

You still make me laugh. You still teach me things, every day.

You introduced me into a world of new adventures, new images. You taught me what "Steampunk" was (and was NOT), and you welded me a throne- "For my Queen" you said. I still have it, and will as long as I live.

You crafted me matching Steampunk Goggles to your own; but with all the details for me.

The "something blue" from our wedding is kept inside the Codex you made.

You introduced me to the 9th Doctor, and in turn I showed you the 8th, and who *my* Doctor was growing up. We enjoyed laughing at the humour of Tom Baker together.

After our first real and proper date you had my heart when you said you would be happy to just to watch "Serenity" with me- no pressure for anything more than sharing a love of Joss. We did.

You showed me what the Firefly RPG was. I showed you my film collection and musicals; you had me laughing my pants off at your Jeeves & Wooster collection.

You introduced me to so many mediums of Science-Fiction I did not know existed. We bonded over shared hobbies, and you introduced me to some shows and writers I aspire to be like. You introduced me to strong creative women like Jane Espenson, Marti Noxon, and Cherie Priest.

I introduced you to my favourite female authors like Syne Mitchell and Laurie R King.

You were fine and happy that we proposed to each other.

You loved having a bride who wore a Red, not White, dress.

You wore a kilt for me.

We had two days of Honeymoon looking at Steam Trains. My heart was so big to see how happy you were around those engines and steel and steam.

You worked for me, while you could. You wrote for me.

We shared books, and stories.

You had me read "Watchmen"; and we both took a love story from that. Never knowing then how true it would really be.

You respected how having Aspergers' makes me- different. My "death shadow" never scared you. You were interested in learning about what I was in school for. You were not scared that I was around dead humans. You were proud of the work I did. You told me often.

You made me feel that even though it was often confusing, I could in fact, love that deeply.

You helped me to understand my feelings, understand what the stimulus was. Understand the motivation that falls in line with what we consider to be "unconditional love".

You built me a garden. Twice.

You took me to 'Cons. You gave me the chance to meet some of my favourite actors and idols.

You spent years bonding with my cat, even when she was not nice at all.

You care. My Wash, you care.

You have always been supportive of who I am, what I love, and what I care about.

You give me the motivation and inspiration to always be better, to be patient, to be kind, to be loving.

You are the person I want to touch as I fall asleep every night. You are the person I want to speak my last words to every night, "I love you".

You push me to keep living, every day.

Even in the bad times, you are still my best friend.

I will take happily every day I am allowed to wake up next to you, my love. For however long we get.

Happy 3rd Wedding Anniversary.

Whatever I do for you, I can hope it is a reflection of the love you have given to me.

Thank you for these 3 years of being my husband.

Thank you for being my Wash.

I love you.

School-Daze

To me, if a person reads a truth, a verifiable truth, and takes personal umbridge; that person either has a valid reason for being angry; or they feel guilty for empathizing with the painful portion of the truth.

But, I'm weird.

I'm writing this post as a letter; I won't use names to avoid further mmmm, pain, but I will share the story.

Dear MFW,

I think I would be crazy and unable to care for Wash if it was not for the humanity of Hospice Care. 1 & 2 are driving him sad and crazy all at the same time. I am seeing my husband in so much pain, and it hurts me as his caregiver and his wife to see that. I don't want to see someone I love in pain. Emotional or physical.

Rationally I can understand that shit happens. Things fall apart. Shit happens at a really super bad time, and then like dominoes, the rest fall too. I get that, I do. Truly.

Wash doesn't. He sees hurt and he cannot see the reason behind it. He cannot cognate like that anymore.

I know you are right when you say that they are making his death about them. It sucks and it is painful to say but it seems to be the truth. Denial is painful for those around.

Hospice has been so helpful though. As hard as it was to make the decision to call them in, I think it was one of the best things I could do for Wash. He is able to speak to others to gain emotional and physical support. And relief. He can talk about 1 &2 without feeling guilty about even admitting he has problems with them. He can speak about the pain they cause, and hear from a professional that perhaps 1 &2 cause him pain because they cannot face the pain the truth would bring to them. As hard as it is to understand, it is easier to hurt Wash than it is to face the painful truth themselves.

We are taking your advice and trying to enjoy this week instead. We are trying to focus on his happy and high level of Quality of Life and giving him the best life possible while he can still enjoy it. While he still knows who he is and who others are that love him.

I do not know how long it will take him to get passed this. I hope soon. It's hard to move past something you don't understand, and with brain cancer the real truth is he just does not understand everything anymore. Sometimes I fear we are too far passed when his "best" time would have been. The longer the wait the worse he does get and the more he does not understand change.

I feel more hopeful not that I can change this, or cause someone else to move past denial, but I feel hope that I have support; Hospice and a few friends have stepped up, some family too, to really make me feel like even on days I "can't" do this, I can. And I will. I feel more hopeful for myself as an individual and human coming out alive after this, after he goes.

I love you, and I could not do this much without you. Without knowing someone is hearing our story, our pain, our small triumphs.

Things will change, he will degrade, but I feel- today at least- that maybe I don't have to die with him. Maybe it will be ok for me to say "Good-bye" and not "Wait up".

I guess I have to fight to live to see.

Pinata

Well, we have internet and cable back on at home now, hurrah! Wash has entertainment again- honestly I don't understand it but he says he's tired of watching "Hot Fuzz" and "The Big Lebowski" with me this week. I put on a new commentary each time! (Thank you for the movies on Blu-Ray, for both of us they are a nice transportation away from real life)

Wash has had about 4 new meds added this week; I've been spending a lot more time watching him and dealing with the short term side effects. I've wanted to write and it's frustrating that my own personal time has shrunk back to none this week. Wash just needs so much care and attention right now, and we (us and our SW) still have not heard back from the insurance about Wash's ALTECS care. (Who pay/cover respite care and such so I can do the things that need to be done outside of the house etc) It's frustrating.

The good (ish) news is that being treated like this, ignored on a human level, it fills me. It stokes a fiery place in my heart that fills for Justice and Righteousness. It makes me feel like there might be a purpose for me in the world after all; I don't think I am ever going to go back to finish my degree in Forensic Anthropology; Oesteology. Every skull is my husbands'. Every face I have to glue back together is his. It's fucked with me too much.

I don't think medicine is my thing. Taking care of my husband is different; it's necessary. I have never wanted to work with/on living patients, I still don't. I admire like hell the people who do- so far all but one person on my husband's team in the last two plus years has been a godssend. They have been kind, concerned, caring, and dedicated. His nurses, his technicians, his pharmacy group, his doctors- from his Primary to his Oncologist. They show over and over how he is a person, not a disease. If you are involved in the medical field, we might not always say it, but for everything you do for us patients, Thank You.

For me, I feel like I am becoming more of an - activist. Someone who speaks for those who cannot. Someone who works to change public opinion and policy. Someone who can work inside and with the law to change it if needed.

I can try to be a Poverty Interrupter.

A Healthcare Activist.

A spokeswoman for Human Rights.

I'm feeling more Hope for myself when his end comes. I'm starting to be able to be in a place mentally to allow myself to think about the real future; the one without him, where I am still alive. The one where I'm a widow, but I'm living. It's hard and so gorram painful to think, but for the first time since we were told in 2009 he was dying, I can think about what might happen to me after he does.

I want to be the change. I want to help make sure no one else so young like us has to face this. I want to move the country away from having to have thoughts like, "Pay for Food or Medicine?"

My garden continues to come along well. The flowers have all settled in since transplant and the bulbs have almost all come up too. The scent is so lovely. The peas and beans continue to grow by inches every day and I'm harvesting a cherry tomato or three about twice a week. The garlic grows, the rosemary thrives, and the carrots are coming in too.

I decided to treat myself and instead of putting a few dollars away for something I need (I do that all the time. Too much really, but I always put Wash ahead now) that I would grab what I spotted on clearance at Target and got some solar powered string lights for the backyard. We have 12 solar stake lights around the back and garden currently, but nothing to give depth to the fence/border of the back. I'm honestly quite excited and happy with it- the design is pretty and I like making the back into a real happy and comfortable space for us to spend time in. The weather will not hold out more than maybe 2, 3 more months so I have to make the most.

I will lastly just relate our story of being good humans and neighbours; we wanted to go for a walk to the post office yesterday and discovered left on the sidewalk by our yard/Church parking lot was a baggie left with pills. Also a few half drunk Bud Light bottles. We called the local police - it was next to a Church and across from a house with a lot of small children living there- the pills needed to be taken or disposed properly. It only took about 15 mins to have an officer come out and he did a field test on the pills (3 different kinds, about 6 pills and one crushed one) and to everyone's shock- they were all blood pressure control pills! 3 different scripts, but all for blood pressure. How odd! Wash says he wants to write a short story about the pills or something, as it is just so... odd. I guess in this instance someone did really lose their pills!

The officer took them to be destroyed back at the station and we went on with our walk, less fearful for the safety of the local kids now.

Never really a "boring" day here, something always happens.

As someone directly effected by cancer of course I have thoughts on the whole Susan G Komen shitpuddle. But, my friend Lara who lost her mother to breast cancer, and has been fighting it herself has much more weight and connection to this than I. I will ask that if you want another voice on the direct negative impact SGK has caused this week by denouncing Planned Parenthood and ending funding, please hear her voice.

http://getupswinging.blogspot.com/2012/02/race-for-agenda.html

Thank you, ThinkGeek.com for giving us Christmas

To the geeks who work at ThinkGeek.com and the geeks who shop there,

Thank you. My name is Tashi, and I'm a geek. I'm also married to one, I call him Wash. When we met, it was our mutual love of the geeky and nerdy that led us to know we needed to be together. When we moved in together we laughed at the duplicates and triplicate copies of Firefly, LotR (books and films), Whedon series, Dr. Who, and so many Science-Fiction authors. As our love grew so too did our collections of geek memorabilia.

Just a few months into our marriage the world changed and my husband suffered a series of seizures caused by an apple sized tumor pressing on his brain. He was only 25 when he underwent two brain surgeries to remove the tumor. A month later he started on a year of chemotherapy and radiation. Most patients with his cancer, Glioblastoma Multiforme, live only 9-15 months after surgery with treatment. That was 2 years ago.

My husband is now 27. I became his full time caregiver when I was just 23. To say it has been tough would be quite the understatement. We have battled insurance denials and cancellations along with the horrid side effects of brain cancer and chemotherapy. Throughout it all though, my husband has retained his sense of humor and more importantly to him, his sense of being a Browncoat. He knows he is in a fight he will not win- this cancer kills 99% of patients, most in under 3 years. If we are lucky, he might live another 1-3. He knows the hard facts, and yet every day he wakes up and fights to live. He wakes up, and some days he can run. Some days he can walk. Some days he has to crawl, and the really bad days he knows he has friends to

carry him.

This past fall has been hard on him. He has been having more physical issues from the brain damage. There have been a lot of bad days. We've had time to catch up on some of his favorite series (Fringe, Warehouse 13, Eureka, BSG, Big Bang Theory, Dr. Who, Dollhouse, Castle and more) since he spends so much time resting in bed. One of the hardest side effects we have to deal with is the fatigue; as such a young man he is not used to being bed bound, so anything that keeps his brain working in good humor without being too physically taxing is priceless to us.

We are geeks. We, of course, read the ThinkGeek catalog. We like to spend time on the webpage looking at the cool toys and gadgets. It is something that brings him such joy, just to see what is out there. We are always short on money, because he cannot work, I am an unpaid caregiver, and his medical costs are astronomical, but whenever we can, we try to treat each other to ThinkGeek stuff.

About a week ago I was contacted by one of your PR employees. He informed me that your company knew of us and our hardships and wanted to help give us some cheer for the holidays. The cheer came yesterday, in the form of a number of lovely gifts.

For some people, such gifts would warrant a thank you, and that would be enough. For us, though, a simple thank you does not cover it. Not only were we able to now "present" gifts to each other, there was plenty to share with some of our family, friends, and even a "cute" Neuron plushie that we will be giving to Wash's Neuro-Oncologist. The material things that we received from ThinkGeek were wonderful. Far more than the actual items, though, is something that is truly priceless. Wash does not have many Christmases left, if any, and to be able to give and receive fun, quirky presents, to be able to spend Christmas without the cloud of brain cancer hovering over us, is something that we could not have expected and cannot possibly express sufficient gratitude for.

I am enclosing some photographs of us enjoying the bounty and our kitties enjoying their new "Cats Attack!" scratching post. We have so much appreciation for your company. This action epitomizes for me what our geek culture stands for; unity and community. My husband has a rare cancer for his age, but he does not feel "alone". He is part of something so much bigger and you have helped to show that. You see your customers as people first, and that is a rare commodity these days.

For making my husband and myself so happy, thank you. Not only do you create wonderful and unique products, you are a company with a generous, giving heart..

With so much appreciation from fellow Geeks,

Tashi and Kevin "Wash" Pratt-King

The good, bad, and great

This will be a short update as it is late, has been a LONG day and I just can't type that much, my wrist has been hurt a bit. More details and photos to come for everything.

The good; Wash's parents and brother came in for Christmas and it was a really pleasant trip. He only had one night of sleepwalking since they have been here and has managed to stay on top of his naps and meds, despite the distractions. He got to spend some good time alone with them, and we all spent some nice time as an extended family doing Christmas and Hanukkah stuff. We did some small gift exchanges and spent time catching up and even getting my backyard and garden sorted out. It was an encouraging trip and I know Wash really enjoyed the time. I know he has been missing his parents and also been really wanting to see his brother, so it was so good for everyone.

The bad; I made a mistake past Friday and went driving without proper ID. We were stopped and I was handcuffed and detained by the police for about an hour. I was only cited for one thing but they towed my car since I did not have proper documents to drive. So my car is in impound. I'll go into details later; I was sober, it was 3 blocks from home, no one was hurt, I was not arrested. I made the mistake to drive the few streets without my purse that night, though I do have very strong negative feelings about being handcuffed as I was not posing any threat or hiding my identification at all, I just did not have the "proper/acceptable" form. I'm going to court tomorrow and with luck will have my car back. This will cost me.

Speaking of cost, also part of the bad got the/Wash's MediCare statement for Sept-Nov. We owe about $550 in costs for doctor visits for him. That's the uninsured part. It's still shocking to me that these are the costs when he is not even on active chemo. These are his mostly "healthy" costs. I've been talking with my mum, I think when he goes on full time Hospice help I'll have no other choice but bankruptcy. Adult pants.

The great; So my In-Laws helped to spend a couple hours in the backyard cleaning and clearing away the crap and making it tidy again. They helped to transport some new plants I bought with my birthday money (Home Depot gift cards, my friends know me) and then I spent more than 3 hours working and planting and transplanting and moving the garden around. There are a bunch of flowers now- I even spotted a hummingbird today! I put in a few more vegetables and seeds, and bulbs, as well as bought a large mature tomato to replace my 3 year old one (destroyed). I also invested again in jasmine and gardenia bushes. The small porch has been cleared and soon we will have our little chairs out to sit and enjoy. I also put in the solar lights I got for my birthday from my mum around, and it looks amazing at night. I cannot wait until the spring.

The other good part, to which I also have photos is that we got some WONDERFUL holiday cheer from www.thinkgeek.com today. Apparently some of the "worker monkeys" read my blog here and know how HUGE geeks Wash and I are (as if his name did not give it away). (Hi friends! You guys rock!) and wanted to do something for us- they did "something" alright.

We got so many wonderful geeky things! New shirts! Chromosome towels! Adipose toys! Mad Scientist building blocks! Toys for my nephew! (he is going to LOVE his food-heavy machines and the jet plane bib, his dad is a pilot) We're going to give the Neuron Plushie to Wash's neurologist when we see her in about 2 weeks. (I bet she will laugh, she has such a sense of humor) I am keeping the Ebola plushie, I frakking admire filovirii, plus it's cute. They also gave us the Blue Sun 'travel' poster SET, which I cannot gorram wait to frame and put up. Nathan Fillion's giant head in our Serenity poster should be jealous. They also sent a treat for the furry legged ones in this house; a 'Cats Attack! Cityscape scratching post. I will have to get a video of Leto attacking it.

We love www.thinkgeek.com and have for years. I've been treating myself and my (step)dad to their toys for years. It's a great company and now I am even more so convinced. Geeks are a special breed and I truly love and admire how they (we) come together as a community. Our season would have been a lot less jolly without their intervention. I cannot even fully articulate yet just how thankful I am to them for this - the gifts and the moments it gave us. These are two happy and so thankful Browncoats.

So, more details and photos to come, but there's the last few days for us. I hope all my Dear Readers have had a safe holiday season, regardless of family, distance, or geekery.