Moment of Silence

I saved my "ExtraBucks" from CVS lately, and bought myself a scented candle last night when I picked up my 4 new scripts. That brings my total for the month of May at 9 scripts. I always *love* (sarcasm) spending time deciding if I need to buy electricity or medicine each month.


But. I splurged and bought a $3 candle.
And my room smells nice. Relaxing.
Reminds me of the candles Wash would buy for me/us. Reminds me of the small signs he cared.

As I was walking home from the pharmacy last night, I realized with some quick math that Wash and I had walked that same stretch at least 600 times together. Probably closer to 800.
I could see the changes, like small photographs being flipped together. Winter, summer, seasons changing. Building being torn down and built up. The first few hundred walks, and then a Ghost Rider bicycle on the corner appears on 10 May 2010.
There are flashing lights, sirens. We are escorted to the other side of the street, and decide to walk home instead of further down the street.

It is now cooler, almost "cold" for Arizona. We are walking, hand in hand as always, Wash to my right side. He is wearing his "GEEK" black knit hat. He is laughing at something. His beard is thick, and I can see all the colours in it. Reds, blondes, browns.

It is a spring night. I am holding his hand with my right, and a bag in my left carrying Ginger Beer for us. He is walking slower now, but still laughs. There is a slight breeze, carrying the spiced scents of the Thai restaurants towards us. He is excited about his upcoming Stand-Up show.

It is summer now, and hot. Blinding. No more shade. Even the birds are standing in a single file row in the 4" of shade cast from a light pole. Wash is at home, no longer able to walk with me.

The photos blur faster. Rewind. I am out of breath pushing him in his wheelchair. We are trying to get early to "Wicked", our last anniversary present. Wash is angry and yelling, I am stressed and tired. Everything feels uphill at that moment.

Backwards. It is late fall. I am tired from work and moving. Wash is tired from moving, work, and school. He stops me from my load of laundry and pulls me outside. It is November 2008. We are on our first walk through our new neighbourhood together. His hand holds my right one. He is pointing out the styles of the apartments, townhomes, brownstones around us. He is wearing his work/welding boot and walking with large steps. I have to remind him to slow down, I cannot walk as fast.

Time ceases to be linear in my mind. It is past and present at the same time. Blank spots for the future. Images imagined of what could-have-been, what should-have-been.

He throws his head back, his neck long and scruffy with red tinged hair. He laughs. He smiles.
He leans closer and kisses me. I am flush with warmth.



I am home. The street is dark. The trees and front flowerbed across the street are gone, along with the kind older woman who tended to them daily, and spoke often to me about plants and gardens. The lights in front of my complex are different, installed a few years ago. The tree in our front yard is missing the large branch that a storm blew into my neighbours' bedroom window three winters ago.
Everything is different, and the same.

But I am now walking alone. The feeling of Wash holding my hand fades.


I walk inside my home. No longer "ours". He is gone. His welding boots are still on the shoe bench by the front door.

I light the candle. The scent takes me back in time again. I eat, I take my pills. I try to sleep.
I snuff the candle, but the smell hangs in the air, light, and comforting.


I am awake now. It is dark, still nighttime. I am hearing shadows of voices. Male? Female? Faint, but untraceable. My house is empty save for the cats and me.
I go back to my dark bedroom and hug Hoban tight. It is faint, but he still smells of Wash. The stuffed bear hold many hugs, and a small stuffed heart kissed by my Love when we had the bear made.


For the first time in weeks, I sleep.
I sleep, and I am thankful I do not dream.


The room is silent now, save for the typing and fans. My candle is lit again.
Tears are falling while I write.

There is a sense of emptiness. The last exhalation before a gasp and holding.
There is Silence.

I am Alone.

There is only physical self. Gaius-Wash is silent today.

Short Takes VII

He's been sleeping most of the day.

He'll wake up for a couple of minutes, then go back to sleep.

I'm letting him just rest.

He's under the blanket his Aunt made for him.

So far, today is much more calm. No Police, no Crisis Response Team today. No Hospice check.

Just his Aide and me.

I am thankful beyond words for my friends.

Pic is of Wash standing in his TARDIS (bathrobe) before his shower the other day. The swelling from the steroids is pretty intense, but he is smiling.

[Robe courtesy of www.thinkgeek.com Thank you Geeks! ]

I had a terrible day. But, it passed. Today is new.

I am doing my best. Honestly, I am.

Alarm

Who's got 2.5 thumbs and 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night?

This gal!

Wash was out for 10 hours. The new pills seem to be helping.

Busy day, we have a "day team" Hospice Evaluation today, hopefully it will show Wash and I both need more help.

A few friend visits scheduled, maybe even a Warhammer 40K game for Wash.

I'm hoping for a good day.

Little smiles

Sharing something happy;

Wash and I are watching "Harry Potter 3" (I've never seen it) and went out for a walk earlier to the farmer's market across the street.

Later I'll be making artichokes with lemon butter, fresh corn on the cob, (fake) burgers and chicken breasts to go on my indoor grill, and a caprese salad with fresh tomatoes, basil, and soft mozzarella and a aged balsamic vinegar dressing. We also have cake-pops for dessert with red, white, and blue sprinkles.

I feel hopeful today will be a good day with some happy memories for me.

Epinephrine

So, one of the downsides of Wash's brain cancer is that every once in a while he hallucinates. Sometimes it is visual, sometimes auditory.

This means that often Wash will ask me to verify if he is hearing/seeing something correct. This also means he will wake me up randomly in the night to ask if I heard the "sound" he did. That's a bucket of fun.

But, sometimes he's not hallucinating.

So, for a day he heard buzzing in our kitchen. I said it was probably one of many things we have plugged in and the motor is making a sound. I was wrong! The next day we both saw 3-4 flying things in the light fixture in the kitchen. Since I will die if stung, I freaked the fuck out and ran outside. We called for backup and Andy* came by and he and Wash fought a brave battle that rages between 4 creatures 1" long with wings, and two fully grown human men with a can of RAID that shot a 20' spray.

The Men came out Victorious.

And I promptly called my doctor for an Epi-Pen refill and my landlord to get some Pest Control workers out here.

So, they came today, sadly with little warning. Which led to my last minute harried-ness this morning. We had help on Thursday and Wash actually told his aide NOT TO HELP HIM. So, the place was left a frakkin' mess. I am not upset at the aide, she was listening and caring for Wash, he just kept insisting her to leave things for "him" to clean "later". [I was having a long talk with the Social Worker out of the house at the time] So, Friday my house was a mess, and I was so busy and tired I couldn't do everything. And Wash was just happy because he was seeing a friend, and going to the Avengers movie, and getting to eat dinner out on top! So much fun stuff! For Wash, he cannot do more than one task at a time, and he forgets things. So, all his stuff he was going to pick up and clean, he did not.

Since I knew the kitchen had to be cleaned/cleared out for the pest guys to check, I ended up waking after less than 3 hours of sleep yet again this week (no naps for me, either!) to clean all the things Wash said he would have taken care of.

I know he needs to say these things to make himself feel useful, to feel needed, but all it does is add stress to me. Every time he puts something off- which is 99.999999% of the time, he never comes back to it. That's how his brain works. But, if I just do it for him, or if I do it after he says "I'll do it later" he turns his anger to me- "What, you don't trust me? You know it's your fault, really, you tell me I'm not allowed to do things when I want to!"

So, I just could not handle all the chores and work to do today, watching him and dealing with any help or issues or anger at me, dealing with the pest guys, and no sleep. It's all too too much.

I called my mum. Thankfully, she and my (step)dad agreed to watch him for a while today, let me work and rest a bit.

Wash was not really happy about this. He was confused, and angry and so mad that I "would not tell him where I was leaving him!". I had already told him calmly twice that he was going to stay with my mum today so I could work. He just literally could not remember even as I told him. So, he was pretty confused and angry when he left. He seems to think often that when he goes out for a day with someone else, I'm "leaving" him, "abandoning" him or the like. He just cannot grasp otherwise.

That's painful to see and deal with.

I did at least catch his mother up on things, so his parents really know. I just was not able to lie, to hold back, to be kind about it. He's not doing well. Things have changed, they are getting worse, and they very very likely will never get better again. So.

I cried a LOT this week.

Back to the pests, though! That was my histoire du jour.

Cleaned for 3 hours, and got Wash safely to my mums. He even got treats and snacks to go along with his sketchbook and ses 3 of "Fringe" to watch.

The pest guys came over, poked around a bit, checked outside, looked at my place and my 2 neighbours West of our unit, and came to a verdict of not Wasp, not African Honeybee (several colonies found locally in the last couple weeks) but Carpenter Bees.

So, our downstairs was treated, the outside, a crack in the wall between units filled, and the wooden fencing in my backyard treated too. Same for the neighbours.

Now it's noon, been awake for 5 ish hours, and have a few clear hours without Wash to try and rest this afternoon.

I think my biggest challenge will be to actually rest right now, today, and not use the next 4-6 hours to just clean without a Wash following behind me, or messing right up the things I just cleaned.

Thank you all, Dear Readers for your comments, support, and good wishes. I know, even though it's painful to face the truth, I'm coming into the final stretches with Wash.

I'm just going to do my best for him, and my best to be vocal about my own needs right now.

Back to basics

Wash's med adjustment has left him more tired lately- common side effect. I've been feeling more tired lately, feeling like I have to do a lot more, worry more.

I spent a good chunk of time cleaning fish tanks this weekend. Scrubbing algae and cleaning water, protein skimming... Wash spent 6 days putting off cleaning the cat boxes and then almost 2 hours bitching before he cleaned them. The meds seem to make him a lot more whiny in the mornings. I've been switching to having him do his (like, 3) chores in the evenings.

I've also been trying hard to make sure he/we are getting out every day for some kind of a walk. I feel so lax on my exercise lately, and Wash won't get out of bed unprompted, so it all falls on me to be my own motivator and his. Hard stuff some days.

I've been trying to drive a little more lately to make sure I get over my fears/trauma of the tire blow out. I've noticed that I've become a lot more sensitive about night driving as well, which I haven't been since about '05 when we had the Baseline Rapist/Killer (s) out. I partly also wonder if my vision is getting worse and perhaps that is contributing towards my hesitation to drive. The weather is calming down some but not enough yet for Wash to really get to spend a lot of time outside.

We started to watch 'The Sopranos' this week; we're about halfway through the first season (neither of us has seen it before) and so far I find it hilarious. I imagine it might have some darker plot lines coming, but to me watching it now, there's just a level of humor at the writing I can't deny.

So far I've managed to go halfway through October without a major pinkwashing/cancer mental break. I'm happy and proud for that. I've separated off contact with a few people who I know would say some stupid shit this month and I have a core of good friends around who 'get' how the Pinkwashing makes me feel. All cancers suck, true... however it is brain cancer that is going to take my husband and I wish it would get even half the attention/awareness.

October also marks my birthday- coming up at the end of the month.

I always seem to get (extra) depressed around then. I don't think it is seasonal as I love fall and winter and spend time outside. It is just clockwork since I was about 6 or so that the 2 weeks or so before my birthday I just feel more depressed, less social, more anxious...

I just want it to be over. I am always expecting something horrid to happen, and honestly almost losing Wash on my 23rd was beyond no fun. Breaking my arm for my 8th. Having a family member forget my 16th. Being vomited on by someone on my 10th.

I don't have a real good feeling relationship with my own birthday.

I'll be 25 this year. Young, it was how old Wash was when he was diagnosed and given less than 2 years to live. At the same time, I've lived lifetimes in as long as I have been alive, I feel this absolute divide with my youth now. Somehow it is all done and wrapped up, no more 'kid fun'. I feel robbed to a degree. This unfairness of life, which cast me so mature so very very very young has yet again found a way to toss me to the side of what society tells us is 'success'.

Some things in life change, mature, grow. Some things stay static. Both can be good or bad or even both.

I just don't know where I am anymore.