Sighs

I really really dislike having to tell DES (again) that Wash is (still) dead.
Nope, has not come back. No awesome miracles like that!

I cannot understand why if I tell them I am widowed, and sent them copies of the Death Certificate about 2 weeks after he passed, they still have to ask me and verify he's dead.

WHO IN ARIZONA HAS DIED, GOTTEN A DEATH CERTIFICATE  AND THEN COME BACK TO LIFE TO APPLY FOR  MEDICAL BENEFITS?

I'm assuming this had to have happened to someone because I just cannot imagine why the state would like to traumatize people who have lost their spouse/child/dependent.


What annoys me even more is spending a crap-ton of phone minutes I can't really afford to talk to someone at DES and for 3 straight days get nothing but a busy signal. I call about every 10 minutes to check. From 8am-5pm.


So much to do, so overwhelmed, and so distracted.

I would also note to them that the asthma I have had for 16 or 17 years now has also not "cured" itself. That would be the "chronic" part of "chronic asthma".



Too much going on. I'm riled up.


I'm scared and nervous to leave, and at the same time, I cannot wait to be gone- even for just a 6 week term- from Arizona.

Speaking of, briefly, I'm about halfway to my needed goal to cover costs for Israel! My scholarships are helping out with some things, but I'm still doing the majority of this upfront out-of-pocket. But, I want this, and I know I'll be in a different place when I am done there for the summer. I don't know if it will be a "good" or "bad" different, but I know that I will change. I need some change. I need some personal growth time, some time not defined as "wife" "caregiver" "widow", but as "Tashi". Time to look at my future and maybe see something there for me.
The future hurts. Every day hurts. Every minute and second. It hurts to live without him. It hurts to know he is gone. It hurts to try, to have to remember who my love was; instead of knowing because he lives.
My thoughts, my hopes are that in a new place, around new people, a place defined by my own self- not "us"- thinking and looking at my future won't hurt as much.
It will always hurt. I know this. I knew it before.

But maybe, maybe, it will start to hurt less.

Chaz & Roger

Today my heart is with another cancer widow.

It is a horrid beast, to take the ones we love indiscriminately.



Roger, I will miss you for so many reasons.



It is my most sincere hope, if he believed in some afterlife, that he is there now, happy with Gene and access to every movie ever made.



You can read Jo's wonderful post on Roger from 2011 at the link.


Roger? Gene? Grab some popcorn, relax, and now enjoy the show.

Ranting

I can think of over 2,000,000 reasons why I dislike/hate (policies) our Insurance Company. The State run, "for the poor people" company.

Cause in our state, even the companies run by the Government are "profit" centered, not focused on giving the BEST healthcare to the Citizens of this state. It has focus on the CHEAPEST care.

AHCCCS does not cover my CAM Boot/cast [DAS BOOT!]. Apparently they only cover casts or walking devices like that if the patient is under 21, or a diabetic. I am neither.

I also now need $209.86 for said Boot. [I spoke with the guy who owns the medical supply place, he's willing to deliver and fit it for free on me in home because of the situation with Wash, but I still have to pay for the boot the insurance won't cover.]

So, I either go without and let my bones get worse and need surgery, or I need an additional $200 from a non-existent income.

THIS IS EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH PROFIT BASED HEALTHCARE.

Remember

It's a very very bad day to wake up as a woman (or as a human who cares about women) in

Arizona. Even infertility doesn't spare me the pain of Brewer's reach.

There's something about having personal, human, biological rights taken away from me, as a

consenting adult that help me to really remember come Voting time.

Hard work; I'm coming for you, Jan

So much going on and I've been trying to spend my free time with Wash, not really writing.

DES and our Insurance company is fucking with us again. I had to "renew" back in Dec and I had sent in all the documents they needed- by their own electronic system. Since there was no mailing address, no physical office they could say would accept my paperwork, and the fax number on my documents to them was given as "000-000-0000". Really, I could literally only submit these documents electronically. I have the confirmation they got the documents! (12-19-2011) So, now they are saying I never sent in anything. Liars.

They say Wash is not signed up for the "ALTECS" system (long term adult care) when I have a paper from the DES office dated 12/09/2011 that confirms he was in fact accepted into that program.

Today, they say they need copies of documents from 2010- 2 fucking years ago! Also, they HAVE these documents, as I sent those in back in 2010 and Wash would not have had coverage if I hadn't sent them in! Logic fail!

They have also made our Hospice Social Worker wait almost 3 hours for a meeting, then cancelled on him. I am beyond pissed at how we are being treated, but he tells me to stay calm and let them handle it. Wash is on Hospice, it's not like his cancer has been "cured"!

They've stopped our Food Stamps as well during this. The last funds I received for food was Dec 6th. Everything since about Christmas/New Years has been out of my own (empty) pockets. (Hospice is bringing us a food box tomorrow. I had so hoped I would never have to take another.)

I have saved every receipt from Dec on in a little pile. I have decided once we are back on with services, I'm going to sue. Most likely in small claims, but I'm taking DES and the State of Arizona, hell, Brewer too if I can (she might be protected from a suit while she's sitting in office, I'll have to check) to court. I'm past my breaking point. This is our Quality of Life that has been impacted in such a negative way. Today, I'm out for blood.

Plans within plans, my plans will put the Bene Gesserit to shame.

I feel like I am on the edge, tipping back and forth.

When I was growing up, starting to come into my teens, my , well, let's say "friends", they would say I was one bad relationship, one lost love away from destroying the world. I was only a "bad" accident away from being that "evil genius".

I think I get what they were saying back then now.

I am not able to cure this cancer. I'm not able to save my own love, my husband, my best friend.

But, I can be the change, the cause to make sure no one else has to suffer like we have.

If I set myself to it, I could change the whole face of healthcare in my State, perhaps further.

I have this voice in my head that tells me when Wash does go, it's going to be one of two things happening to me. I'll either fall into a depression that I will not be able to ever pull myself out from. Or.

Or.

Or I grow stronger. I find a sense of self and Justice and make that into reality. I take my papers, my writing, my voice and I make noise and actions until the Change happens.

We were both born in America. The country that only a few decades ago was the ideal for "making dreams come true".

We both live here, in the land of declared Democracy.

And he faces dying destitute for circumstances of merely being alive for 25 years before a tumor grew in his brain.

In America.

Land of the Free? No, not for us.

I can't fight the cancer in his brain, turning his healthy brain cells into cancer or mush. I can't fight that.

But I can fight the system that says his value is a defined number.

But I can sure as hell fight the system that says after two years if he's not dead they won't pay for any more help.

I will never forget the day a Judge in my own state, the state I have paid taxes on every job I have worked since I was about 16, told me Arizona could and would do NOTHING to help my husband live and to "move to Canada".

I love the Canadian country. I love my Canadian friends. Someday I would love to see their beautiful country... but I live in America. I'm an American citizen. So is my husband.

He should be able to live and die in the only country he has ever known, and wants to.

I am still quite tired. I could fall asleep and never wake.

But I don't think I will ever really rest until I know that others will not be hurt or punished in the way we have been. Being young and terminally ill should not be an excuse for the Government to forget and deny your existence, your Right to Live.

I have to fight.

I can't leave this one up to Hope. I can't just "hope" someone else will take responsibility. I can't just "hope" the people at the top of the Government- Jan Brewer- will do the 'Right' /Moral/Human Responsible thing. I can't just "hope" for policy to be changed.

It has to be me.

Get ready Arizona, the Gathering Storm is approaching.