Find You

I have been trying to hold on to the good hours, moments, or even a day at a time now. I'm getting better at it, to a degree.

I made it through Hannukah, and had a really nice Shabbos this past week with my cousin cooking and singing.

As it gets closer to Christmas though, I keep thinking about the few we had together. All the ones we had imagined we would have in the future.
How much I suspected but dreaded that last year might have been his last Christmas and winter holidays with me; and how true it was.

I keep trying to remember the happy moments. How the awesome folks at ThinkGeek were to send him/us those gifts; they gave us his last Christmas.
I've been thinking about them lately, how kind they were to him, and us. My grief takes my words now sometimes, so I cannot figure out how to describe how thankful I am to them. Still.
His last one was a happy one.

I take comfort in that, though it still brings me to tears.

The house seems so much more lonely. I have been keeping the television on downstairs because just hearing a bit of extra noise makes me feel a bit better right now.

I took down the inflatable (twin) guest bed, and Leto is not happy about that. Somehow in the last few months he has outgrown the catbed I bought a bit ago for him. It is comically small compared to him even when he sleeps in the smallest ball he can. He's been sleeping on the guest bed at times over the last few weeks and I believe seems to have thought that was his new bed.
He lies down in the same spot in the room and will squeak at me.
He has been giving me a lot of comfort these past days/weeks.
He feels like a part of Wash that is still living.

The house gets emptier. Boxes to go out to be mailed to friends, or donated. Still so much more to go through. I manage so far to get through it in spurts.

It's putting me back in that state of shock I felt shortly after his passing; these holidays.
My mind hurts and numbs at the thought of waking up Christmas Eve and Christmas Day without him next to me.
No making coffee or special breakfasts. My family is suddenly so much smaller, that my mind just denies the idea of a "family" gathering without him. I keep trying, but the very act of just trying to imagine what that day will hold, what I would say, do, feel; becomes so overwhelming my brain just tells me it is not true.
I fear being around people who are happy at this time. I fear being the one to "bring them down". To be the reminder now of mortality. To have any of my true emotions come through, to still grieve, while others might be trying to celebrate. So many fears.
My brain says "Would it not be better for everyone else to just stay at home, out of sight and mind so others can have their normality?"
I do not know the answer.

I know there is something to make me smile that day; a nice surprise sent by friends. I will find out in two days.

It is a small thing, but I have a bit of Hope that after the New Year I will have the intense bereavement tide down, with less reminders of the big life events not to happen.

How has a year passed already?

How is it that it will be four months in a few weeks since he passed?

Time seems to be more bendy for me lately.

It passes fast, it creeps by, it stalls.

I've gone from living the last three years of my life in the moment, day to day; never knowing when might be his last with me. Never really being able to have any sort of long term plan; at all.
Now, I have to go back, so far back, and start again.



I am so tired.
So uncertain and scared.

I barely recall what it is like to wake up alone these days, end of December.
Mostly cold.
Full of longing.

I dislike night-time of late.

To Teas

I've had a lot of emotions going around inside myself lately.

It is odd; this mixture of feelings I am having. So very lonely at nights, when I should have my love and his warmth next to me.
Twitching at the Silence inside the house, only the cats and artificial sounds abound.
Enjoying the small moments of having both cats cuddling with me. When friends come to visit. Trying to find myself again in whatever way I am strong enough for.

Steps forward and back.
I'm finding it easier on some days to just put on a mask and lie (I consider it lying, at least) and smile and nod and say "I'm fine. I'm doing ok. Let's talk about _________."
Some days, it is not a lie, and I can care. I do care about my friends and their lives.
Some days, it is hard to smile to see someone I love celebrating what I lost or never will have.


I am doing best to move at my own pace. There are some influences in my life (no comments needed, please) that think due to some reason... (age? length of marriage? ??) I should be doing certain things by now, taking certain "steps", walking a certain path.

That's not really what I feel entirely though.
I might have been following a trail once, but it veered very much off the track. I might have been following steps of others who had their trails veer from the paved, smooth road, but it had long since been covered up by circumstances.
Bush-whacking? Is that the term? Trail-blazing?
Some days the walking is easier; the ground level, the air dry and wind calm.
Some days... headway can be measured in inches or centimetres not miles/kilometres.

I get overwhelmed still, so often. At some predictable things I am learning to avoid until I can learn to deal with it. Surprises however can not be that entirely prepared for. I can prep as much as I have learned in my life, but there might still come up some new problem to solve that my wits and skills alone cannot win.
Those days are the ones I fear lately.

A lot of it with the holidays, a lot of it with memories of sadness at holidays past.

Thank you to everyone who has been sending me holiday cards. They do help.

I still have not quite figured out what to do for Christmas eve or day next week.

I am starting to become functional in some ways, but mentally, it is so hard to just make a decision. There are always variables to consider and I am compelled to consider them all.

I miss company as well though. I miss companionship. I miss watching a movie in the evening after dinner with someone, talking maybe even laughing, and going to bed warm, touching the person I love who loves me. I miss the sounds around the house; doors closing. Kitchen sounds. Talking and laughter. My own laugh often sounds so odd to me now, though it does come more often.



I try to be thankful for those who loved us and helped us throughout the years, especially around the holiday times. But, that puts me in the past; such bittersweet memories.
At what point I wonder, does it hurt less to remember? Does it ever?
Perhaps like all grief, it truly varies from one person to the other.


Some times it is the most simple of actions, the littlest of things.
Someone to bring me tea in the morning.
Hugs. On a daily basis. More than once a day even.
Kissing.
Having my hair stroked by him. The way he sometimes would wrap his fingers in it as he slept, keeping close to me.
Hearing my name.
Being told "I love you".  Knowing it is meant when it is said.

The world does go on, yes.
My friend put it very well in some correspondence with me:
"Making friends as a young adult, the way we mostly do it, is easy. Most people have coworkers or fellow students, so their friends are handed to them on a platter. You've got a triple-whammy situation happening, in that you're much older than other people your age (not just because of Wash; I think you started out that way), you're not in school or working some crappy job, and you've seen a whole lot more than most folks do in a lifetime.

There is no way to overcome those barriers that does not disrespect what you've done and who Wash was, so I won't even suggest that you not talk about him or hide what happened.

You must not allow this to make you brittle. You *must* not. Even in the worst moments while Wash was dying, you reached out to other people and were beautifully flexible and loving. Most people don't manage that in a happy life. 

That said. . .these next few months will hurt. I wish there were a way around that, but there's not. You've essentially lived a life already, at 26, that most people don't have until they're 80. Now you have to go through birthing pains again, to be Tashi. It's going to suck, and it's going to feel hopeless at times, and there will be moments when you're glad for the absence of feeling, as opposed to actual pain. You'll end up as Tashi at the end of it, but you'll wonder sometimes if it was worth the price."

I do expect pain. I do expect more misunderstandings, and more patience needed on my part and every one around me. I don't expect it to be perfect or happy, or even an end. Life only ended for him, not me. I somehow how to keep more than breathing, to keep working to find myself again, who I am now, re-defined.

Without him as an 'active' part of me. Only part of my history and my shaping as a human. As the person who taught me what "unconditional love" meant on my own part; not just others'. 

The long journey really begins now. We've done the Kilimanjaro of brain surgeries, the Rockies of chemo and radiation over and over month after month, and now I am left alone to go up Everest. 

The Hope in the allegory being he trained me to do this. I have to trust myself. 

That is the next step. 

If doing this helps the next ones to follow in our path, perhaps my pain will mean something. 

I have to Hope. Some days that is all that is left. 

Midnight worries

I worry about what the cost of his (willed) cremation will really end up costing me. I had to pay upfront for it, and I still have not received any benefit money from Social Security.
I worry about the memorial.
I worry about rent, and other things, little and big.


I worry about how I will feel when more of his things are gone after this weekend when they are taken home by the people he wanted them to go to.
I worry I might enjoy having more space, and a chance to start to put the house the way I want.
I worry if I enjoy it, it means I am not missing him as I 'should'.

I worry about the week, and once my friends leave and my family too (temporary though it is) how lonely I will feel.

I worry about trying to find the right words for Saturday.

I worry about paperwork with DES and for my insurance.

I worry a lot about being poor.

I worry about my debts, and my husbands, and how they might effect me when I decide to go back to a school. I worry about working so hard, paying taxes, and still having to file for medical bankruptcy next year; depend on what the lawyer says.

I worry about the holidays, and feeling alone without him.

I worry about how much pain my heart hurts for this time right now; living alone for the first few years was a choice I made on my own. Living alone now is not by either of our wish.

I worry about waking up Christmas morning in a cold, empty, quiet house.
I worry about having no one to celebrate Hannukah with. I remember Wash working so hard to learn the Hebew prayers.

I worry about saying good-bye to him in a symbolic and final way.

I worry so much about my life is both the same and so unstructured; yet I'm not ready to change myself yet.

I worry about trying to communicate with the ones around me, and either not saying something that can be understood; or saying the wrong thing altogether.
I worry about how many people I will still have in my life next year.

I worry it is not acceptable to find moments to try to laugh.
I worry it is not acceptable if I don't laugh "more" now.

I worry about how confused I am that all I'm hearing is contradictions around me; specific advice on what to do at "this point"; specific advice to listen to no advice but my own wants.

I worry about the memories to come this week and month.

I worry about facing everything.

I worry so much about what will come next.

I worry how confused I am to feel so aged and mature, and so scared and young at the same time.

I worry how much I might forget about him.

Always worries.
Sometimes saying them lets them go. Sometimes not.

Problem Solving

Friday my mum took me shopping down the street while Wash was napping. Got some nice ingredients, and then poured myself into my kitchen.

I "hosted" a Sedar last night for the first time. I've watched my family and cousins host them for more than 2 decades, but with Wash being so physically weak and tired right now, I knew there was no realistic way he could last through any standard Haggadah. I found a nice one we could pace through with lots of breaks for him too.

I also pulled together a 5 course vegetarian meal in about 2 hours.

We had salad with fresh peas and tomatoes, matzoh ball soup with carrots, deviled garlic eggs, Rosemary (from my garden) and mustard potatoes, and for dessert Apple slices with cherries cooked in a honey and brown sugar sauce (lighter than a caramel).

Wash ate it all, even tried the eggs, which he normally hates. We had a good friend of Wash's (he was the Best Man at our wedding!) come by for a few hours while I cooked, so they had a good time and I got another taste tester.

We finished our service around 11pm ish, but we took our time and I made sure to have Wash rest.

I'm still a bit tired today, but very thankful I made myself wash all the dishes last night. I only have to clean out the Elijah's cup today.

I need to write more today.

The good, bad, and great

This will be a short update as it is late, has been a LONG day and I just can't type that much, my wrist has been hurt a bit. More details and photos to come for everything.

The good; Wash's parents and brother came in for Christmas and it was a really pleasant trip. He only had one night of sleepwalking since they have been here and has managed to stay on top of his naps and meds, despite the distractions. He got to spend some good time alone with them, and we all spent some nice time as an extended family doing Christmas and Hanukkah stuff. We did some small gift exchanges and spent time catching up and even getting my backyard and garden sorted out. It was an encouraging trip and I know Wash really enjoyed the time. I know he has been missing his parents and also been really wanting to see his brother, so it was so good for everyone.

The bad; I made a mistake past Friday and went driving without proper ID. We were stopped and I was handcuffed and detained by the police for about an hour. I was only cited for one thing but they towed my car since I did not have proper documents to drive. So my car is in impound. I'll go into details later; I was sober, it was 3 blocks from home, no one was hurt, I was not arrested. I made the mistake to drive the few streets without my purse that night, though I do have very strong negative feelings about being handcuffed as I was not posing any threat or hiding my identification at all, I just did not have the "proper/acceptable" form. I'm going to court tomorrow and with luck will have my car back. This will cost me.

Speaking of cost, also part of the bad got the/Wash's MediCare statement for Sept-Nov. We owe about $550 in costs for doctor visits for him. That's the uninsured part. It's still shocking to me that these are the costs when he is not even on active chemo. These are his mostly "healthy" costs. I've been talking with my mum, I think when he goes on full time Hospice help I'll have no other choice but bankruptcy. Adult pants.

The great; So my In-Laws helped to spend a couple hours in the backyard cleaning and clearing away the crap and making it tidy again. They helped to transport some new plants I bought with my birthday money (Home Depot gift cards, my friends know me) and then I spent more than 3 hours working and planting and transplanting and moving the garden around. There are a bunch of flowers now- I even spotted a hummingbird today! I put in a few more vegetables and seeds, and bulbs, as well as bought a large mature tomato to replace my 3 year old one (destroyed). I also invested again in jasmine and gardenia bushes. The small porch has been cleared and soon we will have our little chairs out to sit and enjoy. I also put in the solar lights I got for my birthday from my mum around, and it looks amazing at night. I cannot wait until the spring.

The other good part, to which I also have photos is that we got some WONDERFUL holiday cheer from www.thinkgeek.com today. Apparently some of the "worker monkeys" read my blog here and know how HUGE geeks Wash and I are (as if his name did not give it away). (Hi friends! You guys rock!) and wanted to do something for us- they did "something" alright.

We got so many wonderful geeky things! New shirts! Chromosome towels! Adipose toys! Mad Scientist building blocks! Toys for my nephew! (he is going to LOVE his food-heavy machines and the jet plane bib, his dad is a pilot) We're going to give the Neuron Plushie to Wash's neurologist when we see her in about 2 weeks. (I bet she will laugh, she has such a sense of humor) I am keeping the Ebola plushie, I frakking admire filovirii, plus it's cute. They also gave us the Blue Sun 'travel' poster SET, which I cannot gorram wait to frame and put up. Nathan Fillion's giant head in our Serenity poster should be jealous. They also sent a treat for the furry legged ones in this house; a 'Cats Attack! Cityscape scratching post. I will have to get a video of Leto attacking it.

We love www.thinkgeek.com and have for years. I've been treating myself and my (step)dad to their toys for years. It's a great company and now I am even more so convinced. Geeks are a special breed and I truly love and admire how they (we) come together as a community. Our season would have been a lot less jolly without their intervention. I cannot even fully articulate yet just how thankful I am to them for this - the gifts and the moments it gave us. These are two happy and so thankful Browncoats.

So, more details and photos to come, but there's the last few days for us. I hope all my Dear Readers have had a safe holiday season, regardless of family, distance, or geekery.