Tzfat Journal 2July

So, Monday we had a great class on the Tanya in the afternoon which was intense, but really challenging in a good way. Dinner was light, but good: salads with potatoes (sweet potatoes boiled in an oil based pepper sauce) and chicken. I went out after out last class of the night which was an impromptu class on balancing the good and bad intentions and urges we all have to become closer to G-D. I went walking first with another girl, and we did a circuit of the whole top of Tzfat, then I came back and reviewed notes with two of the other girls. We discussed some things from the weeks before I got here, so I learned a bit more background. After that I went out with 3 other girls and we hit the "foods street" and had some pizza (sauce was VERY sweet, but the cheese was soooo good) and just talked. I learned a lot about some of my classmates, and I had a good time opening up about my own past. We then stopped to get some ice cream (Parve for everyone not me, because I did not eat meat, so no need to wait on dairy!) and I tried a few flavours-all good- but settled on "Israeli Coffee" which was a mix of espresso and cardamom.
We did another long walk to help digest and burn some calories and ended up checking out a little store (pretty much like a tiny Circle K) down the block. Ran into some really... pushy/flirty Israeli guys, but thankfully we just stayed in the store until they left. Nothing to worry about.
I ended up back at MA a bit after midnight, and only read until 2am or so. An early night for me!
Today (Tues) we were supposed to leave for a local tour at 9am, but our guide was running late. So, we ended up actually heading out after 10. We stopped by the grave of Rab. Y. Ben-Cairo and stayed to pray there. It was a moving experience for me. It was unlike any other meditation I have ever had; I felt so still and so able to focus my entire mind on just one prayer, one thought of Peace, and I felt so quiet on the inside. I hope to repeat this again before I leave. From there we went up a local mountain (really just a bit further up than the main city of Tzfat) to Yavnit Mount. It was like being in Northern Arizona. Pine forests. The smells up there were just so wonderful and clear. There were flowers blooming, and birds, and so many butterflies today! We took a long hike up to a few different vantage points and were able to see the valley below Tzfat, the hill that borders the Sea of Galilee, and the hazy south part of the Golan Heights where the Israel border ends. Further on the walk we were able to see into Syria, a portion of Lebanon, and just past a bit of mountain; Jordan.
We ended by visiting the graves of two local Tzaddeken who are buried in a cave more than 2800 years old. There is still a portion of the retaining wall left up from the Roman invasion in 70-74CE. (I have plenty of photos I will send along, do not worry.) The cave was not terrible deep or long, but very cool temperature wise, and was lightly maintained by the Israeli Antiquities Department. It was a truly hard to describe event. Standing in a place that people had visited to pray at for almost 3000 years. Mind blowing.
We also saw the border guards' station (in front of the retaining wall are the IDF barracks) which has been a defence outpost for almost 2000 years straight. Currently it is managing the "iron dome" which protects the border and border cities like Tzfat from missiles. Our tour guide told us about the bombing going on over the last 20-30 years: including having a SCUD missile land in her backyard! Literally. Blew out parts of the kitchen, left huge holes from shrapnel, and shattered 22 windows and the frames. They had a shelter and her children were all playing in the front yard, so no one got even a scratch. I cannot even imagine the moments of terror that would produce.
The last class before lunch today was on the "Song of Songs" and how even those who have just begun to study are blessed by G-D; it is the fierceness of the heart to learn Torah, not just the actual studying. Pretty interesting. We have another class on the same topic on Thursday.
For lunch today we had grilled eggplant/aubergine with a sweet turnip/potato like vegetable. Also a salad of quinoa and mixed fresh vegetables with a tasty vinegar based dressing. I went across the street and also picked up a plum, nectarine, and mango to munch on for today/tonight. The fruit seller is quite nice and knows all the "girls" at MA and is quick to speak English to those of us not fluent in Hebrew. The foods there are just so varied and amazing; it is like the Farmer's Market across the street from my home! They also have prickly pear cactus pads and fruit, but it is called "paddle cactus" here. No saguaro, of course. The fruits are all in season and grown in the country. I saw a bunch of fields as I was coming in to Tzfat at the end of last week: corn, sunflowers, wheat, and of course, lots and lots of grapes.
Classes this afternoon will be more Torah reading then another Tanya class; which I am really loving so far. The same Rabbi who teaches us Tanya also teaches one night in the evening at a local synagogue, so as far as I know plans are for about 6 of us to go to the "extra" class he teaches on Wed evening. It is very dense material, with so much meaning in every single word, not just the overall sentences and stories, but I find that type of challenge to be something my brain really feels good about thinking on. Then after dinner tonight we have another Farbregin (Jewish joke- we will Far-Bring-It-On!) which will go from about 8pm to perhaps midnight or even later. I will likely call it an early night though and try to get a bit more rest after doing so much physical work in the last day and so.

I am sleeping very well, and I have 3 or more girls who are all taking turns to help me learn to read and speak Hebrew. I plan to go down to a store tomorrow on my break and get some "kid" workbooks to help me practice. The food is good, and I am trying to eat something new/different each day, and saying "yes" to one new thing each day too. I am often getting out of my comfort zone, but that was a reason why I came. I might be scared or nervous, but I am here to do and learn and experience as much as I can in the time I have here. I am getting more used to the schedule, which means it feels like the days are starting to pass a bit faster. I am not sure yet if this is a good or bad or neutral thing.

I will be sending along photos from the hike today, and when I am back I will go over them all in detail. I also took a short "panorama" movie today too; the view was just too beautiful to leave to still photographs alone.

More To Come

Well, there are a few logistical issues to take care of, and a few scholarships to apply for, but it looks like with some help and luck, I'll be in Israel this summer for a college programme.
I am aiming for 6-8 credit hours to earn, and as my school is in the North part of the country, I also hope to be able to visit Jerusalem while I am there.

There is a lot I need to get done, and a lot of support I will need to get through this, but I am excited to be back in a learning environment. Learning and knowledge make me happy.

Thank you Friends, for all your support, prayers, wishes.
I'll have more information in a few days to share.

Afterwards

There is always love in the world.
Even if it does not know you by name.
Even if it does not come with your image.
Even if it travels from around the globe, or across the city.
Love comes from family. Friends. Partners. Soulmates.
Children can love with freedom and enthusiasm that sometimes fades as we age.
There is love for the newly born, and those departed.
There is love for the past, and for the future.

There is love in the smallest of kind acts, and love spread across millions or billions.
There is love from religion, and love from science, and atheism.

It can be hard to see the love around, sometimes. Often when we cannot hear it given directly to us.
But it exists. As surely as there is human capacity to think, reason; there is also the deepest capacity to love.

Happiest Pi day of my life

ECCC episode IV: A New Hope

There is too much for one, or even two posts from the last week. I will have to do a poor job of just summing it in brief.

I was happy. I was happy this past week, in a way I had not been since 4 years ago when Wash and I took our little trip to Vegas and got married.
Those few days of, and the two days of 'Honeymoon' we had after were my happy moments. The happiness in his face, our joy, and our utter faith and confidence that we (might have some bad and good moments) would be together from that point on, for decades, until we both died in our advanced ages- hopefully together.

That is really the only thing I could ever be mad at him for; he broke that promise. He promised, he swore to me he would let me die first.
I cannot be mad though, as he did not ask for it. He did not ask for cancer, and he did not ask for an early death. He did not ask to die before he ever saw 30 years go by.


So, it was a difference. 4 years without really having a smile, sustained joy. Excitement.

Meeting new friends was more wonderful than I think I'd felt it at any other time in my life. It is like an emotional puzzle with other people as pieces, all coming together to create a feeling of 'completion'.

Seeing some "old" friends was a true joy as well. I had a chance to bond and become much closer to someone Wash was quite fond of, and cared for. Well, he did that with all his friends, true, but I recall him saying many times over how much we all had in common- he expected us to be the type of people to remain close and good friends for our adult lives.
Having had a longer chance to meet and talk with her, his lovely Brother, I have to agree.
It was a feeling so lovely, so happy, so light!, to be able to talk to someone else who knew my Wash BEFORE the cancer. Who knew him as the person/man I had fallen in love with. It was easier to remember the happy times we had BC and to share them, and mostly to laugh.

It was good for me to see his friends and the other people he adored/loved who carry on his passions. Who love certain parts of architecture as he did.

Perhaps that is one reason why ECCC was so comfortable for me; instead of utterly terrifying.
It was a giant center filled with people very much like myself, and even more like my Wash. There was familiarity there. A sense of remembrance; not having ever been to Emerald City ComicCon, the exact layout was not familiar; but the people, the CosPlay, the games, the booths... all images that I recognized.

I went down at one point to the lowest low convention room/basement/lower basement.
Also known as the "Gaming Rooms".
..........
[Insert Table/Card/Dice/LAN gamers growling at yet again, being stereotyped even within the 'geek' Subculture, and thrown in the 'basement']

One person I spoke to suggested, perhaps only partially joking, that the elevator button just have a sticker with "Dungeon" put over the Lower Level/Basement button.

However, I wanted to see if I could find anyone who way playing Warhammer [40K or Fantasy] or a table-top game, since I play a bit myself. Mentally, it felt like Wash would also kick my ass or haunt me if I was at Con and did not check things out.
I am glad I did.
I met a exhibitor there who introduced me to a new Table-top game [Fanticide] which my friends ended up buying for me.

It is a pretty cool game to begin with; but more so, it is compatible with other TT sets. You can buy specific models for the game, of course, but you can also use anything else you already have/own.
For me, this is really the best I can ask for.

I can have a (new) game to play with some of *my* W40K sets and minis that I kept, and the local Games Depot took Wash's old stuff to be donated to their game room, for all others to play with. [Outside of what he Willed for his friends to keep]. I can go down, play on the terrain that Wash and I made, but not the *same* game that we played. It will not have those same memories, which are mostly keeping me from doing any W40K playing myself. It is too hard, when all I can think of is him as a missing partner.
With a new game however, I am excited to learn the new things, to build on the knowledge that Wash gave me by teaching me these kinds of games [slightly different than the D&D stuff I did a LONG time ago].
I'm excited about playing this new game.

I know that Wash would have been pleased beyond words at that.
I'm pleased with myself for feeling I'm doing this more for myself than just for his memory.

Highlights I will address in future posts; meeting specific people/celebrities, panels, Con commentary.


*****************************************************************

I am back home now.
My cats have calmed down, some. Aelphie does not wish to let me out of her sight (like she did as a wee kitten) and if she has the chance, will crawl into my lap.
She is not a lap-cat, either.

Leto has been chirping a lot more, and running around- pretty much acting like a kitten. At 3 years old for a male Maine Coon, technically, he still is a kitten. I am pretty certain he just missed having someone around- all.the.time.
That has been his only life really; as a companion. To Wash, every day for more than the first two years of that cat's life, he was with Wash. Then, me.
I think if Aelphie would tolerate it, he would play with her. She does not, alas.



This has been a very changing week for me. Though I have had a lot of fears, I have learned that I can get through them. Not all the time, or even with 100% consistency, but I can. More so, I tried. I put myself out, I lived as Tashi; and I let myself experience life as Wash would have (wanted).


The past week opened me up to trying again. To See.

There are times still to just be Going Through The Motions, and now I also feel ready to try living again.
That spark in me of love, and life is gone. I know that. He is never coming back. I will never feel that same lifebeat with anyone else.
But I still remain.

My heart still beats.
I still breathe, even when it is hard or I've forgotten how.
My blood still flows, my mind and body; still connected to each other and the world.


Brain Cancer- Glioblastoma Multiforme took my husband, my love, my life, my Wash, our future.
It took from me too, so much I perhaps cannot even list it all.

But I still remain.

I cognate.
I see.

I remain. 

There must be some way out of here

I think it has been long enough that I'm not spoiling this for anyone, but on the chance you have NOT seen season 4.0 or 4.5 of Battlestar Galactica and you even think you might want to; stop reading now.


I'll be at Emerald City ComicCon this weekend.
I'll be visiting with some very wonderful friends, some people who are supportive, caring, and people who love me and wanted to see me happy, do something nice for me.

This will be my first trip alone since I married.
This will be my first trip alone since I was widowed.

This will be my first 'Con alone, or without Wash.

I'm still planning probably on Friday going as Yves from TLG. Sunday, I'll be hunting Walkers in the convention hall.
But for Saturday (maybe Fri as well) I'll be going as Kara "Starbuck" Thrace.
Late series Kara.
Married Kara. Harder Kara.


When we were still hopeful about having a child, 'Thrace' was a middle name we both adored.
Our various electronics are named after Cylon models; we have Boomer, Athena, Anders, Leoben, and Tigh.
Wash saw the ending before I did. I was not caught up yet, and he wanted to see it when it was broadcast.
I remember him sobbing. I did too.

For different reasons now.

Kara had Anders.
I had Wash.
Kara watched as his brain went out, as it ceased to be 'human', more Cylon then.
I watched as the bits of humanity were slowly taken from Wash, his memories. His life.
We had the same kind of "goodbye", though on different circumstances.

I could not go to 'Con as Zoe Washburne. That still, is much too close.
Too many memories for me of hearing a wry laugh, "You nicknamed me in 2008. Did you know back then?"
Hearing my Wash play A.T. and keep asking me, "Tashi, why does my script for Serenity end on page 88, and yours goes to 130? Guys? ....?"

No, too much.

But Kara? I can be Kara. I can be strong like her.

*********************************************************************

Some day, I will attend a 'Con (or two) where I can meet Jane Espenson, Joss Whedon, "The Grand Moff" [as Wash would call him] and Ron Moore and get down on my knees and thank them.
I can thank them for creating something so wonderful it not only brought me to meet my husband, my soul mate, but gave him comfort in the last years of his life, dying of brain cancer.
When my husband could not remember what day of the week it was, he could still recite lines from BSG and Firefly.
When he could no longer run, I helped him to walk. When he could not walk, our friends rallied to help him crawl. When he could not even crawl, it was the worlds of Science Fiction; his favourite shows and characters that carried him home.
From "Firefly", he knew I could still fly true after he was gone.
From "BtVS", he knew we could both fight; hard, strong, and with heart.
From "BSG", he knew I would be there by his side. Imprinted on each other.
From "Doctor Who", he knew it was ok to let go, to leave, and to begin his next adventure after 'life'.
To explore.
To regenerate, but not as my Wash.

He loved the Cosmos, and the infinite possibilities that it contains.
And he loved the way that Science-Fiction brought together all those wonderful ideas, possibilities, worlds, characters, music, colours, shapes, creatures and beings.
That gave his life meaning.

So, I'll be looking out to thank people.
Perhaps, if you, Dear Reader, have the opportunity to meet one of these great creators before I do, you will also say thanks on behalf of my Wash.



'Never give up, never surrender!" - See you at 'Con!

Complete the Circle

"Everyone goes through hardships. The challenge of being a person, with compassion, is to pass that help along to the next person who needs it."


Friends, you all have done so much for Wash and myself.
You've helped to keep us in the home he wanted to die in. You are helping me to stay here right now, where I can still feel Wash around me.
You've helped us pay for food, and medicine, and cool air in the 119F heat of summer.

You helped buy clothes for Wash when the cancer changed his body shape, more than once.

Right now, I am living off of your generosity. When Wash died, our small Disability stipend stopped, so it's literally your kindness that keeps me in this home now, helps me to get food, to visit the doctor and get meds to help me cope after Wash's passing.
You are helping me to have the funds to have the memorial for Wash he did want.

I am so thankful for all of you.
I have something else to ask my readers.

I'd like you to smile right now. Chances are most of you have your teeth when you do.
Think of your morning routine, think of waking up and brushing your teeth, brushing them before bed.
Think of every smile you've given before a photo was taken of you. Yes, even the ones where you may have had braces, or a gap, or something in your teeth.

Now, I'd like you to think about my friend Mary O who cannot do that.
Like Wash, she faced cancer. Unlike him she's still around to fight. But it has cost her greatly.
Mary is in her 30s and does not have teeth. She's gone through surgery, and radiation. She has fought.
Medical Care in the US is something I could, and have, written other blog posts about.
But right now, Mary needs some teeth.

So, my friends, I'm asking you to think tomorrow when you brush your teeth.
Think about your $3.00 tube of toothpaste Mary cannot use or buy.
Think about your $2.00 toothbrush she does not have the luxury of being able to use.

I'm asking you, if you can, go to the link. Read her story. Think about your own smile; could you put a value on it? Think about taking the $5.00 you might have spent on your next toothbrush or paste and donating it so Mary can get some teeth.

As always, thank you for helping me continue to learn to Hope for Humanity.

JTOP gets a Shoutout

Wash had a tough week. He was very much himself, which can sometimes be painful for me; he knows how far gone he is, how much he has lost.

The up side to that is he was feeling in control enough to finally go see "Brave" tonight.

It was lovely. We went with a college friend of mine and got to catch up with her for a while after the movie too. We might start meeting weekly to chat and catch up.

My morning was hard. I was crying a lot and trying not to sink into a real depression. Since Wash has been more "present" he asks me a lot of things that make him sad; and me too.

It was a wonderful blessing to get to go out tonight.

We had a packed small theatre, but the kids were pretty well behaved. More so, the parents were super attentive to their children and kept them quiet and were very careful to not interrupt or disturb the other patrons when they had their 6-8 potty breaks. There was even a baby; but ze slept through almost everything and when ze whined a little bit, zher mum took zher right out so as not to disturb anyone else.

Perfect way to do it.

Wash was dancing in his seat the whole movie through. He bumped my broken toe a couple times on accident, but I just dealt with it.

The good part for me was the way he would reach over to hold my hand during the movie. The way he squeezed it at the few scary/dramatic scenes. His smile at the end of it. Then, the best part; during the credits (of course we stay for the Easter Egg!) Wash spotted the name of a Pixar worker he knew and acted with back from the bay area. Apparently, he also had his nickname in the credits, which made Wash literally stand out of his seat and "Whoop" in joy for his friends' success.

That's the kind of person Wash is; he cares and he loves and enjoys seeing his friends and family succeed and be happy.

We came home and saw some friends sent him 2 more LEGO sets. Now he has some Ewoks! He really does adore those blocks, and they do seem to help his cognition. Double happiness.

I started my day with 90s music, good comedy, and Phil Hartman to stop my tears.

I'm ending my night with bagpipes echoing around me, a huge smile on the face of the man I love, and a feeling of love and friendship in my heart.

Hope comes in many different forms to me.

I'm starting to feel some again.

Sharing the Happy Moments

So much of the last few days has been filled with stress, unhappiness, and sadness.

That got to change today.

Mini-reflections

We had a super long day yesterday; about 4 different people (Hospice) came by during the day! But, Wash and I both had a good chance to talk about some issues, and get some tools to really help his life (and mine by extension).

So though he did sleep in until almost 10am today (stress, physical movement, and emotional processing all drain Wash) and was a bit physically slow to start, Wash seems mentally and emotionally "better" today than he was in the past couple days.

He's doing some thinking and my hope is he is realizing that he has a LOT of help right now, and he does not have to feel so "alone".

I had a couple good moments as well.

My Social Worker, Dave*, shared a little of his background with me over the past few days and it is - it feels like I have a solid foundation now, I have more confidence in certain parts of my life and needs, and I feel stronger to even ASK for help now. We spent a little while talking and reminiscing and I had such a nice moment when we both realized that individually people from our lives had asked us the exact same questions and we gave almost verbatim answers.

Mark over at Trouble Blogging; http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/ I think would appreciate it as well. Certain things married/partners understand. Certain things you can't even imagine until you become a Caregiver to the person you love and were intending to spend a long life with. [This blog is GLBT*Q friendly. I wish every consenting adult who wanted to pledge their life to another consenting adult could, legally. I don't care if the term is "partner" or "husband" or "wife" or "lover". They are the person you love, care for and about, and want to spend your life with. That is enough for me. A Government refusing to recognize your status as the partner does not negate the loss any. /Soapbox]

I also wanted to take a moment to remind myself to thank and remember how awesome our friend Andy** has been through this.

He has his own shit in life to deal with, and his own grief.

But, he has been such a steadfast and loyal friend and I could not do it without him. In the past few months, half year or so he has been trying very hard to make sure he comes over at least once a week (and in the past month or so he tries to come over several times) to spend time with Wash. Sometimes he takes him out to do "guy stuff", sometimes he just "sits" for Wash so I can get away for an hour, and a lot of time he does what almost no one else does; he acts like a frakking normal friend to us both. He doesn't care how sick Wash is when he is over, he simply understands. He talks to Wash, plays with him, laughs, and makes stupid jokes. He helps Wash to forget he is a "dying" guy and instead, he's just "Wash", Dave's friend.

I want to write down how much it means to me to see Wash still have that last little bit of "normal". To have a friend who wants to see him to hang out, not just "check in".

I know not every one of his local friends can do this. The great friends we have close by we tend to see weekly, and even that cheers up Wash.

But, Andy? He's special. I will be forever grateful for just how well he has treated my husband. For how GOOD of a friend he has been, and I hope he will be.

For every asshole I meet who says something about Wash "deserving" this cancer, or that it is "Gods' Will" for him to be this sick and dying, I have awesome friends like Andy and others who prove that there ARE good, kind, and caring human friends out there.

No drama today, just a day to rest and smile.

*Dave is not his real name

**Andy is not his real name

Stress

Wash has his EEG tests and his Epilepsy meeting today. I'm beyond worried- mostly that they might not find what is causing Wash to have these episodes. He is not happy right now, and his quality of life is not where it needs to be for him.

I'm consumed by worries.

I dug out $4.25 in change, and I have to hope that that is enough to get us to the hospital and back home.

I have to pray the co-pay is low enough my bank balance still can pay it, or that it's big enough they will work with me and not expect instant payment (like the specialist who charges $150-760 per visit and who I am still trying to pay back from August appointments on) which we can't come up with.

I'm hoping that my cell phone service is not turned off yet- I'm waiting on more of my own doctor appointments to be scheduled.

I'm hoping I'll be able to find money or some way to keep our electricity on after Wed.

I'm hoping I'll have money to pay for Wash's medications this week.

I'm hoping that the $51.66 I have left on our SNAP (food stamps) will in fact be able to last another 9 days. No, sorry, 10 days.

Outside of that all consuming worry that the world I've tried so hard to keep going for Wash (at least until he dies) might come crashing down, we had a few good moments this weekend.

I trimmed the tree on Sat and hung lights and other decorations. Wash had a few episodes on Sat and was not really co-operative with anything I suggested, so Sunday I tried very very very hard to be super patient and just get him engaged with the world instead of sad in bed. We had a good day, I hope to write about it later.

God-damn.

I wish I could fucking just think about how to best care for my husband and give him the happiest days he has left, instead of just being worried worried worried about how I'm going to pay for him to live here, eat, have medication, have power....

Fighting cancer is so much harder when you have to fight poverty first.

Poverty is fought before his cancer.

How fucked up is that?

I just can't do it all.